Friday, January 23, 2015

Mechanistic/ Never Let Me Go

Charles comes over.
and XXXX is a real DICK to him...saying...
"so you're the New Babysitter for Dumbo huh...well good luck with that one..'

this time I at least know Charles...Is there to "be" some character...
some love interest.

didn't know that about XXXX
 when I first met him.
didn't know that.
any of it

didn't know it was
that from day one

all of it.
all of them
and didn't know
it wasn't just me

but many

many many born just to be put through some maze

like mice

did they know.?


yes and no


"i'm sure I'll do better with him than you  could," Charles says,'yeah I saw he came back from the hotel with his face bashed in,you're a real lover.Lover"

'Fag," XXXX Charles..

'oh ..uh OK," Charles says...
i'm here I feel like saying.but this isn't true...I am not here...I am nowhere
I have been taken....I walk around ...I don't seem to be in any cage...
my hands are not bound...but I am held hostage
my sense my  body 
  memories. Which might boost a captive inmate who's even been taken to be physically tortured.
are not good to have.
because more and more I see each day
as it was
since I was small.
each foster parent ..each word out of their mouths
a maze .a game. a project.from the day I was born
so my can keep them..
Charles was raised the same way
in many ways worse.
XXXX might have been
he's too stoned to know...he knows something is not right...
all kids born into this project know..
and little by little they are told..
the apps/
the brain entrainment...gets worse.
it's diabolical..
you runs out of ways of pretending's
anything than it is..
we are not human to them..
just studies..
and we're all getting older...weaker...more confused...more ambivalent worst of all
and we all type about it
they just want us to shut up...but they won't let us go..
we'll never be quiet about it...
we can't take knowing they'll do it to other kids..
they kill us off.
we kill ourselves off.
I know I don't have much more time
and that keeps me sane

'to XXXX there are fags and there are homos...XXXX is a homo ...and I'm a fag...get it?"

"No "Charles says.

"nobody does," I say and we go up stairs

"what's his deal?" Charles asks

and I explain. I met him on the street...he was cute...and we hooked up...and next thing I know I moved in with him ...and been here in this house with him on and off ...since than"I explain. Charles knew I used to move around..before what happened in LA.again.Sometimes I think he knows a lot more..He was raised like me.
a second generation Neuronaut...
so whether They set me up with hjim or not....we kinda get along...because we're both 2nd generation..
we sorta look down on XXXX whose just a Level 3...
Cause he's always  on speed...or owe-ing this one or that one money he can't really afford his classes.
He wears his uniform though all the time
..though he's never supposed to be "seen' speeding or high or drunk"while wearing the uniform..
although I don't practice Neuronautics like I should...
I have more respect for the ethics of the group than he does..
and he calls me a Ruiner...
Apps or no Apps if I wanted to...just with the magenite in his fucked up little mind I could
make him
with sheer mind power alone ...screw BCI go out in the road and balk like a chicken.
Lately I fuckin' hate XXXX
as Evan is telling me
that XXXX is manipulating the Enway of the whole house...
and he can sense XXXX's bad Eminations via the interface...

But I graph...that I think Evan just wants me to think nasty shit about XXXX
that Biff shit...really made me turn against "my team"

Charles is 'apped" as well..
I sometimes see him trying not tolook at the stuff they "make"him see and hear..
I know when they're doing threshold tests on him...
and when he's being "punished" for bad eminations..
they pump up his HGH hormone to make his face swollen 2 times it's size..

why? cause they can..that's why...
they've done it to me..
it's what they call "The Reigns".

the things they did to us ..our brains. Are sick
but sicker still the things they did to parts of our nervous systems
to give us Dystonia...rigidity..
the games they had with our hormones..
our GHG hormones..
making us swell...making us ugly.
making us scream sometimes in pain...
.....pressure on our actual skulls.
stuff to our regulatory systems making us sense we were freezing in the summer and burning in the winter
stuff to our endocrine systems...
stuff to our skin...rashes...more swelling ..
and than back to normal.
they had to see....if direct energy could do all by itself what tests done in war camps could
yes and more.


Friday, November 23, 2012

face 'dances"


January 23 2015
"I am not supposed to look back
at what I have written
there is a reason this is getting worse...

I go back
now because there seems no forward...
I saw what they did to Charles

I saw him swell up in front of my eyes
I saw him holding his head in pain in that hotel room biting on a towel I brought him.....
there was no point in going to a hospital
only another's whose been hit with Directed Energy knows the pain.....directed ,aimed pain

Charles said it felt like his scalp was on fire..

I just held him
I knew his Tether knew I was there.
I know they can't feel his pain ...but only give it..

mine as well

I read stories but not anymore by other's made Human Guinea   Pigs
human games.
Roasted Mules
... ...I have  reread...I tell Charles..


switching the subject Charles asks ...what's with XXXX?

"..I think they app-ed him..or maybe he's remembring,"I say
He say he's hearing or seeing anything," Charles asks..
"If he is I'd be the last person he told"I say,"besides he'll just explain it away as Meth.."I tell Charles

"By the way where' dyou meet him" Charles saiys.In an odd way

and the words ,'I met him at the candy store..he turned around and smile at me .You get the picture?
I say..

and seeing ,knowing what Charles will say next .I quickly put me hand over his mouth

,"Don't say anything I say to Charles...."let it pass....just let it pass.don't let them take you ...not like that EVER.."I take my hand away

'what do you do for it?" Charles says..

angry ,I say "well eventually you jump off a bridge...but for just fight it...
 it passed. didn't it../'

"yes,'Charles says....but I can tell he is waiting...for his Mandlers.Our Mandlers to make us "go mechanical..why..because ..they think it's funny that's why..

"would you ever do it ?" I ask him

"do what?" he says
"Be a Mandler?"I say,"man another up a man for sport?"

'just you ," he says kissing me hard.

I can't just switch gears that easy-
 gently I  push him away...he knows why...
I lay with him though and put his head on my chest and just to ward off "our wards" making us go Mechanistic again...
I tell Charles the  story of me and XXXX.....

"years ago when I moved into the house of ever changing roomates  with XXXX,my lover at the time
XXXX explained that to get a lower rate on cable as a group(our "team"of roomates)decided they/we would participate in a Neilson rating-esque pupillary response/facial recognition addendum to the TV that "came' with the "deal"....basically the modified tvs the "group' gave us functioned as Skype (and this was way,way before Skype,facebook and Twitter)..essentially the TV's function was to study how one responds  well to tv....with measurements of one's physiological response...
so they could SEE real,real precis-e like -at what places in a tv show one laughed at....or gaffed at during like chase scenes (oh no oh no will he make it leaping ing off the rooftop..ooooh no oooh nooo!)
also so ,like the tv could see...if you like picked up a newspaper during the show ...which meant you didn't care if the guy made it to the other rooftop.....
in order to "seal the deal" to get lower cable bills all the roomates had to agree to place teeny tiny mics and teeny tiny cams all over the house ....and also these tiny sensors...that recorded our respiration rate...weird stuff..
we also even had to put a tiny camera in the fridgerator   so our service provider could like literally see IF our selection of Food(a small stipend was provided monthly for "key products") was based on programming.
for instance if someone on some program  is or was eating a yogurt ...would you like "need" a yogurt right there and than..soooo much you would leave the tv and get one from the fridge.....supposedly the participation in this study was all about making tv a more user friendly ,user based experience.
Nobody real thought much of it in the house as the discount on cable was substantial...and we got tvs out of it...
I asked XXXX if the tv in our room...back when THIS was OUR room and not just mine...had all the sensors and stuff in it...
and XXXX said ,"Just the ones I'm gonna put in it to tape us fucking around"
it was way back when XXXX and I actually DID fuck around...back when we also spoke to one another without grunting..
For a while XXXX DID set up a video cam in our tape us screwing around...(I don't know why...years ago...I guess people just DID that ..) but he took the camera out ..pretty quick ...saying he didn't like seeing himself on it made him feel like he needed to go to a gym which according to him was "for narcissistic  fags".
The tvs were all large...and bulky it was before flatscreens...
One day...I asked XXXX wht there were no cams and facial recognition things in the tv in our bedroom...and he said Of course there were cams and scanning equipment in ALL the TVs the Study gave us..I said well...I sorta think I want the tv out of the room than...
and believe it or not that's when things went wrong..
He said if even one of the tvs goes from the house or if they see...the TV's been tampered with than "we're all out of the study" which means no free snacks for us ...and also no cheap cable....and that it was "really kinda' selfish for me" to want to put all the roomates in that position cause "it" made kinda skeeved..
I said
but he still was angry ...saying .."what a selfish wayto act" and that we were in a unique postion to help tv become more user friendly and user based..
fine fine I said...forget I said anything....
and he sorta did and sorta didn't...
he said Now ..thanks to me..."being against it" I had made him feel "it was weird" having the cam in the tv...
things were never that normal between us...after me asking if we could take the tv out of the bedroom and he began sleeping on the couch downstairs..
you learn to forget about the cams and sensing equipment in the tv..sorta like you don't really think about cams in the MAC machine...or in mini marts and stuff.. and XXXX said that "anyway"- the monitors that do the pupillary response and facial recognition stuff and sensors that studied a viewers attentiveness and stuff were probably not even looked at by real people but some computer...and even if People were watching us watch tv...what's the big deal? we probably will never meet them.XXXX said "it aint like their filming "MTV The Real World" here or "Sliver" it's just some study...when he saw I was reallyok with it..he came back to the was back when I was in love with XXXX and I felt stupid jeopardizing our relationship with my dumb concerns...and also realized just how much we'd all have to chip in for the Premium Channels and especially the Pay Per View movies which we only paid a fraction the beginning XXXX and I weren't much in the house..we had just met like 5 months before and were always out drinking ,partying...always somewhere...and when we watched tv at all it was mainly in the main Room of the house with our other roommates. ....
one day we were down their watch ESPN or something and XXXX says
"know what? HE(meaning me) thinks there's something wrong with the TV studies,"like he was trying to instigate some fight,"HE(XXXXX said) thinks there's something NOT QUITE RIGHT ABOUT IT....He knows everything doesn't HE..."
The other roomates were cool...they didn't say anything..
in fact they kinda looked at me ..not him with "WTF" looks of "so"
"I don't care," I said to the the roommates,cause really by than I didn't
"know what HE is,"XXXX said,"He's a Ruiner..he ruined our relationship...with his ruinerlike ways...and I'll bet he'll do something to Ruin every one of you.."
XXXX was acting crazy...he always snorted speed ,we both did,,,it's the only thing we had in common by than...
but he never before acted this way...
what he was saying I could tell was making everyone uncomfortable..
and one by one they all went up stairs..
and than it was just us.
"what was that all about" I asked..
"I can't be boyfriends with a Ruiner is all"he said more to the tv than me.
...since XXX is moving out I will move into his room...I don't want to pick up any of your Emanations"

It was me who had brought XXXX into first he thought it was weird that I was raised on Neuronautics...
and that both my parents were in the "movement"
and asked one day if he should take some classes..
I told him where the local annex was...and said ,as he knew,I was no longer in Neuronautics...but I thought it might help him with some of his "issues"
"what issues he asked ...I don't have any issues!" he yelled punching the wall
"I was doing this FOR you see why you are how you are..."He said
"so we might have something in common...fuck it let's just get high" he said
and that was the end of me and XXXX.
and all because of these damn TVs...if you ask me..
but I learned real quick
..or real slow...that XXXX only came into my life...
as a Tv character might "come into a show" to
change the course of the show.."

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