alcove/baggie

I type .mainly to document ..a situation that just seems to get worse and worse…what would you do.?yeah I understand I sort of can’t get too angry about this whole..Mandler  situation…but ..some of these testing  1 2 3 things are …well they don’t really seem like tests….or even gaming …

all I have is the computer to try to ..explain “it” any way I can…and make people at least ‘get “it” a little….now the problem is …people do seem to get it a little

which WAS what I wanted ..but now I see..maybe this wasn’t such a gr8 idea.

…I made the mistake of going down to the front door before the doorbell rang and said..a letter’s coming to one of my roomates…I ‘ll get it..

***who was watching the tv… asked how do you know a letters coming ?

and I said Evan told me…and he just kinda smiled …like oh my imaginary friend  again

…and than the doorbell rang when I went to make a one cup…to try to reverse the Seroquel problem cuz coffee …like is diaretic or something and I yelled “I’ll get it” and I ..don't usually  volunteer to “get” anything..or so the consensus .is or was with me and my roomates.

 

I sorta …forgot about the “letter” you got mail thing and stood in the alcove like a dummy waiting.than said to myself

whatever….cuz’ evan is always saying all kinds of stuff..and I never know really what means much of anything..

.Than I go to the one cup thing to make  coffee .a fancy one cup thing..not so fancy really  but expensive-ly dumb .a coffee maker that seems to take five hundred hours to make one ,just ONEcup of coffee is no modern marvel

And than the doorbell rings

I go back to the dumb coffee maker .ignoring "a look" **** gives me..

…and  opened the envelope ..saw just white paper…with nothing on it …. Than threw the envelope with no name on it  out  and came up to my room…

And than just drew some little pictures…because that’s what I do…draw little pictures.

…it’s good to draw  cuz drawing  doesn’t need words …like you think sorta think in a  non wordish way  when u draw…also I try to draw some of the little pictures my team graphs me…which kinda “go over the …pictures..like we’re co drawing..…to like help me draw….better or something…when they feel like it…not always..

Drawing little pictures passes the time …better than you think..and keeps my team ..kinda not so..”talkingly”or mentor –ie…cuz task related  whatever they call it

 task minded thinking is different than self referential thinking or  doing the …co conscious immersive reality stuff to dream up mutual spaces and “BE” some character they over lay on you with little algorythems as little signals that go to the biosensor nano things..the “Merge” stuff and cuz’ I took pills I don’t have to do … waking dream  stuff….which is sometimes fun..but not easy...so everything seems good…cuz’ I’m not even in the mood to do the …co conscious …mind  to mind I AM  a GANGSTER and YOU are A BARKEEP  who wants to join MY GANG..yap yap yap and has to blow me to show I am dedicated to be in the gang..It’s always-stop Dumbo…stop-fighting the WAY I VISUALIZE YOU AS BARKEEP ..and just BE who I graph you as--..stop fighting me…It’s hard to do especially when it’s with Tru Christie who is always yelling at you cuz you cuz u think yourself to him as Roger rabbit..or something and I ruin the whole ..thing…cuz I am a RUINER

That’s how a lot of the problem s began …

That they think I don’t try hard

…and that I take  little bits of ativan and xanex cuz I don’t like being Tru Christie or Evan’s little Foe

Or little “piece”or hear and see whatever little this and that  or hear whatever this and that THEY want…all day

also

…I never get to be the COOL character…always some lessor character.  In the “game”

.like I said I am always  the yellow dots and they are always the pac man which isn’t fair.

And than it’s..

Back to the wacky stories they present….that aren’t really virtual seeing

But logos and cartoons..and little faces and bodies and “art” we make out of what they call negative space …which is cool and effortless.

…and making co..understood interior settings…or whatever they call them..any way…and being “a barkeep” or some version of whatever ..is nothing but DUMBO FOCUS…jeeeez just “be”let the charter over-ride BE you…I am not Taking You OVER!...this is how it’s done..this is SUPPOSED to BEEEEE the FUN part !

Than …like 20 minutes ago there’s this friendly knock on the door….my roomates leave me alone a lot cuz’ they know about me sorta just thinking back and forth to my team…and know I need to do it mostly…without distraction..i don’t write about my roomates except Liam…who said it’s alright to right about him …but not anymore.it seems…cuz …

There was a meeting of the roomates….you see…these same roomates that  said miainly…they belive  my “situation” is some psychosis …and even if it were true ..manipulated senses and thinking  and all cuz’ of the “apps”  isn’t it sorta’ the same thing..some of them would say sometimes  what I write sometimes scares them…especially when I show them some of the science that “goes with’ what’s going on….and cuz of this they made me get my own modem internet…not connected to the one on the main house cuz …they don’t think it’s a good idea me doing research on “chips’ and nanotech and human experiments..see.

 so in this way….they kinda’ believe it’s true…and they sure sure know I am not the same since I moved back from LA after they ‘did the ….”app” thing..so you see they’re very selective ….like..Oh I believe you…oh youre just loony but likeable enuf…and since I am spaced out a lot…they sorta’ said they think I shouldn’t live alone cuz’it’s not too healthy for me interfacing or “remote viewing”  all day with Teams”…I’m not dumb…I know they just think I’m nuts…and that used to get me so mad….but now..

Since the Meeting of the minds” concerning the pow wow …they held when *** came home and all of my roomates were together ..having a secret- meeting /talk about me…

Seems I didn’t think too much…or think anything of it going to door before the door bell…and saying to *** there’s a letter coming and just waiting there in the alcove…than…going to the kitchen to make coffee with the stupid one cup coffee maker …begin to make a one cup… and vividly remember thinking about my thinking  the "who needs a one cup coffee maker?everyone who drinks coffee needs more than one cups or wants one I remember thinking Mandlers hate this self referential thinking and that when I get all stupid and thinky about dumb stuff..i am wasting “signaling capacities” or what they call Eminations…and essentially destroying my soul or something on silly things and thoughts that mean totally like nothing to my “team” except” ooooo boy…than I hear the doorbell…. yelling “I’ll get it when the doorbell rings…remembering evan said “you got mail coming”…I see the envelope ..well .i wanted to see who exactly was delivering this letter…and like I said …I saw no one…because to be honest I was purposely kinda slow ….opening the door and was aware *** saw me kinda’ just stand there.and cuz of this his watching me..I opened the door to look outside to see if the person who delivered the letter was around..even if he wasn’t watching me all weird I would have opened the door PROBABLY in fact faster..than I did

…not that I am a wuss… and couldn’t have probably like gone totally ninja on whoever slid the letter thru the door…if he or she was…setting me up..

it’s just they never did this before…never said here comes  a flying monkey coming into your face and than bang …a flying monkey comes on your shoulder…well I guess *** saw me hesistate…I don’t even remember…and I don’t feel too cool explaining as to give you the impression I am scared of anything…but you go think what you want ..

well anyway after my one roommate taps the door and says…I should come down stairs and I’m like ooooo man…now what did I do?

Seems **** told them “something weird happened to day”---that I knew a letter was coming before the letter came …because Evan,who they don’t even believe is real Said a letter was coming…and now *** is freaking out and in fact they’re all freaking out cuz’ suddenly –now-all of sudden Evan and Tru Christie and “the apps” are real.or might be real enough that they think I should maybe move out so –nothing happens to THEM .just me.

"it's freaking you out huh?Oh what a shame.Imagine that this whole thing has been sort of freaking me out for years.But meanwhile it's hitting me.Man .Now I gotta worry about moving? when I haven't been painting not -in a NORMAL way but ...mind to mind with these Mandlers...who seem to want something 'done with me" now?...
Now that I can barely think for myself ..I try to "tune in to Evan" with out looking what my Mandler's call puppet-ie.and "hear" his thought...and say to my so called friends...who hold "meetings about me" without me.."It's for Gaming! Computer Games .Immersive Reality!that's all!"

one of them say...and boy do I feel like not caring if I write their names! 'well...it doesn't read  much like Gaming...the stuff you write.."

mostly they refuse to even read this blog...or my posts ....suddenly NOW!out of nowhere!....it means something.i don't even remember what I write ...and now THEY do?...the Tv is on...it's always on in the Main area...the 'shared" area...and always to what I am not supposed to..or are "allowed" to watch...CNN...the news..cuz according my "Team" at Proxy Cy -the only world I am supposed to "be in" or care about is "Merge" and whatever information Merge graphs me...
I stupidly told my so called friends...my so called roomates ...(now I guess soon ex roomates) that I cannot watch the news cuz' it screw up the Merge,the BCI and A.I....and especially the Immersive stuff...
so now I force myself to turn my head to the TV and SHOW them I do what I want...
and can see why Merge wants me ...no news...cuz there's reports on some crazy people in Paris doing stuff...who did stuff...
and now it's in my head...
....and I feel all angry not at my roomates but because I suddenly realize ...I have no idea what's going on in the world..cuz if I ever even read anything but the enetertainment news and even that messes up brain computer interface cuz' what does kim Kardashian have to do with scene setting concerning Mind to Mind? except to make her some character...in a "piece"?
but the stuff on the TV ...9 people shot is serious...and in spite of my making myself show them..
'see....I can watch the news"
it just seems wrong ...somehow...to be watching this horrible stuff...for anyone 's sake..
one of my roomates turns off the tv and says ,"we want you to take that  envelope and the paper ****said was in it out of the house...maybe it has some chemicals or spores on it or bionano whatever you go on about..we want you to take the envelope and paper and put it in a sealed baggie and get it out of the house.we don't want "our house" in jeopardy because of whatever you did..or involved in."
and than another roommate says"also you say you THEY hear and SEE what you see with the sensors they put in you   which means you are basically a bug. a recording and listening device,and I for one do not feel very comfortable being recorded and transmitted to whoever "app-ed" you

OOOOOh now .SUDDENLY.I am "app-ed" I say you never believed a word I said about IT ..

"that letter coming and you knowing it was coming was pretty weird." ****says...***the RUINER

"Maybe dumbass...I got a call...or someone e-mailed me the letter was coming.." I say

and he gets all angry and stands up .like to prove ...I don't know ..that he can stand?-"Maybe Dumbass yourself I checked your e-mail and phone which you left down here by the way"

"who the hell said you could check my e-mails...?" I say ...but I know I did..as a favor to me.. to answer potential art buyers or galleries ....in a "right way" that says'thank you...and not "yeah cool" ..sincerely....with manners.....professionalities and all.I am not so good at" they treat me like I'm a dummy .you see... they know lately I am "more spaced" than ever and  know I am not returning or answering e-mails cuz' "I am in another world"...and the art pays rent...
but
obviously they don't care about me paying rent anymore....
and I start thinking of the tiny crummy apt . I'll have to get....on my bit of $...and realize I should be like"oooooo I will miss having them around.....cuz I kinda like them...OR DID until now...
and at the same time I'm like FUCK Evan knows I thought about my own needs (rent) more than missing friends...
"it's all made up....all lies...I say....I don't see anything nor see anything ....and nothing happened in LA... and if it did it's none of your fucking business.."
"for 3 years it's ALL you'd talk about and NOW-it's all lies?"**** says,"Please remove the letter and the envelope from the trash and place them in a sealed baggie and take it outside "
"you can't be serious" I say   ,"you take the letter out...I say


oooh fuck it I think and make a big show of putting these little vinyl throw away gloves  on *** uses to dye her hair...
and take the letter and envelope from the trash and put them in a big ziplock bag...
than I go back into the main room...
and unzip the bag take the envelope out and lick it...
and start to like "aim " the envelope at them..and they all pull back like I am holding some ray gun
or grenade
and alpha dog dickhead,who I used to date...used to LIKE-- grabs an ashtray like he's gonna throw it  at me...and everyone has like backed away from the envelope...which I put back in the baggie...
and I'm thinking and here I am thinking my Mandlers are insane...
****hands me my phone and gives me some money and says maybe I should go to my
3rd stepmother's house till everything settles down.

"til everything settles down?" I am thinking walking as far away from that stupid house as possible...placing the baggie in non recycle -ables bin
waiting for a cab freezing like an idiot.Cuz them.