walking to the kitchen
in the house.
nothing more than a soundstage....a puppet theater.
made to feel the reverb of my own thoughts...
and how wrong it was for me to pull away from Charles
who like me ...can fuck and suck but cannot be held....touched..teased..
held.just by me getting up suddenly to get us beers...or soda....broke something in him..
he too has been diagnosed...or maybe MADE deliberately ...schism-ed.
faceted.
by the strict way ...we were raised....on and as science...
he is a practicing Neuronaut...I am not...I veer...
he doesn't question the science -ideology of Neuronautics...for he has been struck down be them for daring....in ways I have not...
the reverb of remorse ...of pulling away from touch seems to play forever,,,,
and does not go with my sight ...seeing the inside of the fridgerator....
the brands.and brands and colorful logos and writings....for food.
for drinks.
to stand out best and better in brite aisles and brite refrigerators...
since I was little I had night terrors about supermarkets....and all the colORS and colors vying for one's attentions
focus...
I remember feeling so bad that I was not giving every single color and logo enuf time...
enough attention....to respect it's SEE ME...SEE ME
all the colors ....fighting for attention...
me in my boyhood night terrors....overwhelmed by screaming colors........packaging...
when I told this to Charles.
it got lost in our attempts to make small talk...
we don't...
we have sex...and do drugs....and the holding each other is new...but may be over...now
just by this...just by me going to the kitchen and pulling away.
for what?
soda.charles is soda.I become aware....how gay.
gay.i sound in my mind...in my graphs....
the WRONG kind of gay....
the faggy kind who wants to be held...not fucked...or fuck
I feel in the air....
all that is in my mind leaking....like seepage in and around the little theater that is the kitchen and living room
the entity wants me to know...
my thoughts ....have set the tone
..for all that will come next.....
I carry the beers..."u want soda? or beer I asked ...I yelled from the kitchen" surrounded by the THINK I just typed..
my voice sounded.i was aware...creaky..."gay" meaning fearful...jr high faggit...
who isn't aware...of the ramifications of being....HOMO....
except THEY are aware....and you become less .than....because....
because...
that is the style of jr high....and the times.
still are.....
"beer" Charles yells back..his voice as well...creaky...hesitant "gay"?
to me .to them...to be "gay" means to be scared...and hesitant and weak...and fearful..
all those years that went away into ...
"the opposite"to rougher and roughed up enuf by "it" and
what else .but 'it" matters...until it turns on you...in dreams...
and in waking...
Charles is talking to himself.but his voice is not the Charles I know...or would ever want to know...
he is reading a magazine...
talking to the magazine....
drawing on the magazine
"no.no Miss Winslet.Elegance is not an attitude but attitude is being photographed for an ad campaign with a thorobred aside one's cheek.elegance miss winslet is having one's hair quaffed by stylists......and their nails and make up done by stylists for the ad..
why is he talking like this why is he talking like this ...
he has never talked like this he has never acted like this I think and think...
I sit down near him...
and see him scribbling on kate winslets face with a pen..he shows me he has scribbled out kate winslets face in an ad for a watch or a horse or something,,,,
I see the words'Elegance is attitude" in white letters.
and kate winslet's signature under it...
I watch Charles hands draw circle scribbles over and over and over the actress's face and hate him and hate him and hate him
his wrist I
watch moving the pen...all loose..like his other wrist.hand....gay.
he is like an actor acting gay...
or what an actor thinks "gay means...
but he is not acting...
I slam down the beer hard on the coffee table
as if to snap him out of this...
but no...it's a rage that needed ....loudness and contact and vibration...
for a moment I am aware I wanted more to slam the beer not on the coffee table but onto Charles head.
"just do it" a voice says
just dooooo it"
but Charles doesn't respond right..he doesn't put "up his dukes"
or act like he usually does when I 'start up"
instead he grabs his collar ...and says'ooooh mary sure is in a mode isn't she?"
I tell Charles.but this isn't Charles.
that he had better go down to the newsstand and get me a new magazine
I am aware..briefly ...that this isn;t somehow me either..
I despise pettiness.
I can careless about scribbles...
on magazines?
who cares...
but I FEEL.I KNOW I FEEL I have NEVER EVER cared about ANYTHING more!
CHARLES IS STILL BEAUTIFUL.BUT
HE IS NOT ATTRACTIVE ......his voice is purposely flouncy,,,phony...faggotity
"You're kidding right?"
"No I'm not kidding "
I yell..
"I thought you hated Hollywood...and puffed up movie stars"
"so .I am sure do MOST movie stars..."I say.
"what is wrong with you .what's gottern into you<" he says crossing his legs now..like some girl might.." paging through the magazine now...licking his finger as he flips through pages...
I feel the urge ...to smash the bottle into his eye socket....and have to put the bottle down...
I tryi try itry to be civilized...I try to understand...what is going on,but there is nothing going on...
but there is .
I look up for a moment and see the ceiling has no end....
I see a buzz a hive ..a swarm of blinking electric...
coming down coming down...like bees
unto into Charles...and next into unto me..
"I just think it's wrong for someone to come into someone's house and destroy things" I say ripping the magazine out of Charles hand.
"you act like the real kate winslet was in your house and I doodled all over her face...the magazine is what 4 dollars.."
"it's like 7 dollars at the newsstand asshole"
I say
'which YOU expect me to go to....to bUY another **** magazine for you?
but he doesn't say it like Charles.
he's aggressive but .....
something else....
whatever he is being I want him to stop being it...
"ooooh mary he says reaching into his wallet and handing me a ten dollar bill
I sit next to him on the couch..or rather...seem to fall onto the couch..i feel as if I am going to pass out....
I feel Charles hand touch my side...and know without looking at him (I can't I can't) that he is
Charles again...and not what he was
over riden to be..
the energy.the "guy in the sky :" wants me to know
wants me to know.....it/he /they can do this...
not just to me ...but to anyone around me..
if I don't stop..
I look at Charles who is beginning to place the ten dollar bill into his wallet...
"this is mine right?'
"yeah...it's yours"
Charles ,the real Charles...
gets up...
"you want a beer or a soda?" he asks going toward the kitchenm
"soda" I say..
I am on the couch ..I seew a magazine ,,,and flip through it..
"No Miss Winslet," I say to an ad...someone had scribbled on and turn my head and voice to the kitchen...so Charles can hear me" NO MISS WINSLET! Elegance is not about elegance
but being photographed with a thorobred......
"and,"" Charles shouts from the kitchen and in unison,we say" elegance IZ having a stylist to couff one's hair.
a specialist
to do
one's
make up and
nails..."
Charles sits down...hands me a beer...we both stare at the tv screen which is blank,black...
Charles says in a whisper..."I hear Kate Winslet was in the library with a candlestick"
I say," Leonard Decaprio was in The Blue Room with a paring knife."
and than
-
I wonder if paring knives were originally designed for cutting pears...and I start crying....."I had a pear once....it was shaped wrong even for a pear...it was deformed...I could taste the deformity when I bit into it..I remember thinking.no.
I remember KNOWING the pear sensed it was deformed .diseased....probably felt that way on the pear tree,,,,all it's life....I tasted this,,,,,I ate of it ..."
I cannot stop crying ....Charles trys to comfort me ,,,but I know I repulse him
"a pair of deuces meet the queen of hearts in a pear tree,"Charles says...in rhythm with "i'm telling you a joke right now to make you laugh-
a pair of deuces come to a pear tree to meet the queen of hearts....and the pear tree says"hey where's my partridge in a pear tree and the queen of hearts says-'I don't know BUT I have two turtle doves right now cooking on my stovetop!"
and I can't stop laughing....
and than neither can Charles...
we laugh so hard...so much so loud...I know my neighbors will begin hitting the walls..
go get me another magazine .I SAY
'Hollywood hated you thought I" Charles says.
"BACK ME /ASKED THEY/WHY'S THAT."..I say
"seems .it .as crazy.as not" he says
I stand.and begin walking backwards...toward the kitchen..."yourself enjoying is someone hopefully<" I say
"Now matters that all you are"
briefly I see Charles.moving in reverse....and my inner vision sees a clapboard like in movies....
and a close up of kate winslet.
with squiggles all over her face
...the squiggles being removed by some kind of magic pen....that sucks up ink rather than releases ink..
more and more squiggles are lifted...till Kate winslet face is clear....of all lines
from the pen.
and the dream starts over
No comments:
Post a Comment