Sunday, February 1, 2015

swing on ideal.

a trip to the ER.middle of the night.
                             throat swollen up.couldn't breath.
the guy
.the nurse ...or dr....don't know which
...says's malignant neuroleptic syndrome...and we should be glad we caught it in time.
what we caught it on time?
he didn't catch anything..
my thoughts are mean all the time...the Seroquel makes me mean..hateful ...

"is it just your throat that tenses up or do you feel pain in your nerves..."dr/nurse/slash whatever he is saays

"mainly in my arms and ,,'I reply

"rigidity in your upper and lower extremities"*

"what?"I ask

"'your spine,,,do you feel neddles and pins in your legs"he asks
"yeah .that sorta' describes it"i say

every time i'd tke  a haldol.Seroquel Risperdal...any anti psychotic.
my mouth and throat and face   swell up like the moon.

he asks why I was prescribed them,
I sigh...(man I give what I am thinking,( the thought of explaining seems worse than being "treated) ,,I tell him .I was abducted by aliens
.who put nano chips in my blood stream.
just because the thought of telling anyone especially somee nurse
some outsourcing done
 to simply test nanochips and AI algorythems that go with chips..
seems somehow more irrational...than aliens
more irrational believe it or not than explaining -a priest verified that"indeed you are poseesed by demons"

 "saner" somehow" than .the rather simple truth ..about being a Human Test subject

the dr...speaks about other medications to treat thought disorders...hallucinations delusions..      .Depakote...
however Depakote  and lithium etc cause liver problesm and jaundice
I tell the dr...I had tried Depakote and lithium,,,for "the voices and seeing:...and he prescribes Ativan..i tell him I already have tons of  Ativan and home which do nothing

and he asks me about the voices..what they say
"mainly they speak about politics," I am about to say but instead
I tell him...sure ..i'll tell him what "the voices say:
if he first goes into his office and writes down
 every private thought going through his mind

and that this must include...a different type of thinking one doesn't  think they think about
any turn of his head..stretching of  calf muscle...observance of a quick flicker of an over head fluorescent light .\
.which triggers by another set of signals in his mind not related to "non vocalized thought"
also he must write about the signals in his mind that indicate sight.for instance..his eyes watching his pen write the document
the signals...that are also unique concerning haptics (touch)
how his hand feels the pen in his hand...
and also write about his  sense of taste   a different signal
(...I had noticed he was chewing  gum)
and than we'll discuss
'the voices.'
the dr seems confused.
he writes me a script and gives me a Klonopin and a shot of prednisone to stop the swelling

I hate klonapin which makes you sleep all day and makes your gums swell..
but figure XXXX likes them
 so what the hell-
 my throat tight,,,the muscles in my shoudler's tight.. still
. I think about the overpass on Wickahicken...
suicide bridge,,
I think about the song ,the jingle, EVAN recommended.
..any "jingle from my youth ,,
that I can loop endlessly through my swerve the impulse not  to jumo
"To just do It...once I have gotten to the overpass and  stand looking at the pavement below..
first of ll Evan had said...don't look at the pavement below.
place the ski hat you will wear over your eyes

and I should think ,maybe about  falling not face foreward but backward while thinking ONLY of the jingle .and not of the impact ofbody hitting pavement

if u got a passion 4 fashion.if u got a craving for saving .take the wheel of your automobile and swing on down to ideal

doc askes."Do you have any thoughts about hurting yourself or others?
"no," I say.
and I come home....

*Neuroleptic malignant syndrome is a life-threatening neurological disorder most often caused by an adverse reaction to neuroleptic or antipsychotic drugs. NMS typically consists of muscle rigidity, fever, autonomic instability, and cognitive changes such as delirium, and is associated with elevated plasma creatine phosphokinase

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