I wake up. Feeling as if I am pinned down.
'you wANNA WRITE ABOUT MONARCH.bUTTERflies " is the jist
well let's pin u down like one
used to go to a neurologist.
Find out ....why my muscles get tight ..why i'd feel most of the time some electric like current zipping through me..
dr.said I it's some mild form of dystonia.
never heard of the word.
I look it up.
after the appointment.
dr gave me scrip'-some epileptic meds...
some muscle relaxer..
I look up this word "dystonia"....some kinda' movement disorder...like and not like Parkinson's
first thing I see ..is pic..s. vids of people who have dystonia.
terrifying.
my symptoms are the same. but not really at all ...and surely not to the extent one can see...
not really..
I just might look tense is all
since "my team' decided to "pump up the volume'
didn't realize at the time what it really was...
wasn't something I'd think about.
that was way back year 2000
not as much info about folks directing .directed energy "at one theirs"
I never quite was good at being "one of theirs"
In fact even I am surprised how much I refuse to be one of theirs
..................and also terrified..... of how much I refuse to be one of theirs
and because of this......I am now...
a problem
I think I was supposed to just "come off as -a problem"
and not really 'be a problem'
I am not sure
but somehow a wee too sure enuf...
I reckon it's in my best interest to keep some of this to myself.
but I seem to have some kinda' runway train co sign upon me
I literally know not what I do.
or why ......I have turned .
on my team to this extent..
it adds up....
and there is now "a sense" I am to be used now
'as example
"silkwood " style
preferably suicide.
but when it "app-ed" there is no suicide.
although -it might seem so
Murder.
it was it is.and shall be
I was never supposed to put parts of myself together.
especially concerning my childhood.
as odd as it might seem...."that part" -----
was a don't go there
the "apps"......making me some Hybrid.....some test pilot...some lab rat....not such a big deal
your kid will pay for "apps" and A.I.
one of my jobs ....when my timeline was longer...
I think was to "help find a way" to introduce biotech....as the Blog (lapses toward a mini crack habit aside)
proves I am being made smarter.
or some such ....thing...
problem is my focus turned "to the wrong things" like
wanting OUT OF THIS!
or at least some New mandlers' In da ' house"
damn....why couldn't my "team' just Go easy on the input...
physical torture is what I am to understand
will be my "payback" as Pain (in the format of brain signal) is the ultimate Neural Read
so this "read" may be transposed upon another
dissected alive
is what I am graphed.
like Unit 731
do not think I am writing this without
Knowing...
that one thing 'my team " needs to Know
is just how much warning one might
assimilate...into their wiring via interface...based NOW almost entirely on
what they will do to me.
in real time,,,and if convincing me "oh yes we can..oh yes we will...will inspire me to JUMP off an overpass"
will it?
probably.
I wonder if there are bets... a la cabin in Das woods..
a 5 to 1 that by April....
dumbo goes Concrete and Clay- frainkie olsen style...
---------------------------------
and all it takes is Dumbo walking down the street and a van ...a some guy with a gun saying
"get in"
they have already put a gun in my mouth...
but that was ....just for sex.......for a nice Heightened Fuck
ahhhh to be young again
and handled by "my team" in the years before biotech......when it was all just silent sound and LIDA "woodpecker" jump ,jive and wail...
dude
if you only knew...the FUN they had with me...
in my younger days...
you too would Hate "Your Team" as much as I do
and would happily be slowly methodically flayed
alive to write about
spooooooooooooky
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I became what they expected.
a junkie male prostitute
..but ..I never really had ambitions
to be some male escort.
be -a pro
worked for several escort services...but was never a good actor
and being a pro concerning Hooking is all about acting
I would always space out..
I was raised to space out..but nobody really wants ...a guy they paid to have sex with going "I'm not there" on them
bit of a turn off.
I was supposed to be able "turn off " the "Tommy Walker" tommy can ya' hear me SNAPSNAP fingers in front of my eyes...wakey up man ...
be presnt
be here!
raised.a certain way...to be denied touch
so
any ole' touch would do..
to nip the hair of the dog that bit ya'
the spacing out was a problem
a huge one.
I didn't turn out "right"
I was supposed to desperately want to "get somewhere "and desire nothing more than
weave-ing my into another's financial and thus social world.up da' ladder to the roof....!the room at da' top!!!! man
but instead I was satisfied just drawing little pictures..
and in being in no world but my own
and this kinda annoyed people
cuz' that wasn't what "I was for"
"my team' gets closer to making me disappear ....and want me to know this heart and soul
they reveal lots of "woulda' shoulda' beens
and how it was me who destroyed ....everything NOT them
so they tell me stuff....
as they explain "i will never quite see it coming"
so .like in a comic book
when the villain gets the superhero in his clutches
the villain always goes on and on about their dastardly plan....all is revealed cuz' supppaman ain't gonna be round ' long enuf to tell anybody
so the villain goes into all kinda detail ....about his scheme for world domination and shit
odd thing is ...to them...to "my team" I am not the hero..but the villain
who should never have written about being raised...to be
"Dumbo"
I lay there..
pinned to the bed..
or that's what it feels like
and i'm like "dude'...how much electro magneta' you beaming MAN..dag!"
yet being all pinned....
(as this is/was the focus this mornings 'brain link)
I realize I can sorta' think for myself...about 'How It Got to this point "this
nightmare ...
.it began when I was about 19
and they realized "Dumbo' had been "over cooked"
concerning the ritualized trauma stuff
to make me into a utility
(no worries...they have so many of us...so many in the late 60's early 70's were literally conceived to "be had"
born
to be "wild")
in my youth
which was "to be their youth" ya' see...
people raised to be razed...
aren't considered "people" but "things"
hmmm you to dear reader are something of a thing
for instance ..in a way ...to put this .....in wa y you can understand..
anyone born into "some fictional country"
are owned by whatever fictional country you were born into
if they
want
they can come into your house.take you
and say you are going over seas to fight for us...the aliens must be stopped ...
this
they call- being a citizen
during some parts of history
not too far long ago
you,if you for instance kinda' Liked the Communal notion of communism
you could lose your job....etc etc...for going to some meeting /communist keg party or something
so every body is sorta' owned.
you as well dear reader....as can be your child...
you can't have a child who is not a citizen and the fictious country this child "has papers'
proving "he exists"
allows
in exchange for this child being "certified that he or she "exists"
in some fictional country
in trade ....can take the kid away and send him to mars or something to fight martians
most kids ...are not literally conceived to "Be had by King and Country" as that's a bit as they say in Paris "eeeewww"
and there a sorta' 'eeewww" factor
to one's mothers being drugged "by a team" or a 'team playa' to be deliberately -knocked up...but if it's
for the greater good
who cares.
right?
you had better say right bro...or they can hurt you..
-------------------------------------and will
in spite of my 'having a tough time with the cybernetics....the literally NOW being made some hybrid.
..with 300,000 or so "apps" all upside my head..
..for some reason
still want to live..
but as "they say'-----------and thus we SAY" not sooooo much"
cuz' I sorta think someone has to "speak out " about human testing....and literally "making kids" -for /as ----literally -science projects..
more and more people are by the way writing about being "app-ed"
but from what I understand 95% of those raised "butterfly/Tommy can ya' hear me style" lose their CUE response in their mid 30's
a guy or gal grows up...and "gets it" and begins
actively....distancing themselves from CUED response
purposely not reating
I was a goner..
a while ago...but still suitable for testing and testing and testing
..especially when they 'app-ed" me specifically to see about instilling a new" brand"
of cued response based primarily on sight
based induced Meiosis
it might be sorta understandable how silent sound works..cuz Google Glass introduced bone conductive hearing...sorta' to the public..
getting someone to understand
that somehow "some team" can transmit to parts the mind that "make you see things" again
"not so much"
people don't often think of the way they think and perceive ,how they SEE
as simply a series of signals
but people "in the field " of mind study think of little else
just as those who invest in A.I. and BCI think of little else beside the billions and billions they will soon make
thanks in no small part
but in large part cuz' this tech is not only allowed ...BUT MUST BE
developed "behind closed doors"
never mind the "Human organisms' this junk is being tested upon kinda' wanting closed doors
fer' instance on their thoughts, perceptions etc...
scuse me for not being Open Minded about a New Open Mind Tech..
dear reader....you think this is jive
ooooooh how lucky you are.......to be able to think that.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
if I say the word HEART you will SEE in your mind's eye a heart shape.
why?
cause signals in your brain" just work that way"
now if these signals can be "brain mapped" and next "collected 'via sensors in your anatomy than interpreted.
into pictures
they can also be sent back to you...
you are owned bitch
you think this is "just being done to animals:
it's just being done to animals..
get real dear reader.
and consider "they sorta' don't release shit about Human Experimentation ..like ...uh on You Tube
oh
except this piece of nonsense
how did I get the job?
cause I wasn't good for much else.
and lots and lots of practice dear reader.....
a man made to be a whore.quite literally finds themselves
whether they like it or not.
exactly what they wanted...needed....
a whore.
oh they gave ME MANY CHANCES TO BECOME A "PRO'at less derogatory " of sucking the cock that feeds you
than being "in residence wacko writer"
any good writer.good filmmaker
worth their earnings ...is sucking you off...predicting your response ....holding back...give up bits of information 24 frames per second.
...
those good enough at the mind fuck we willing desire when we watch tv...which we willing give over our minds to
WOULD YOU SHUT UP! I'm watching THIS!"
are taken or broken
LEARNING HOW TO 'PRESENT" AT A HOTEL front desk..
Hello I'm here top see Mr. Peters.
always dress well.
and always 'smile like ya' mean it"
"beiug a fag" back then wasn't the same as now....especially "the gay porn"
you'd have to search and search really to find really beautiful young guys doing this and that..
now...damn....most guys doing gay porn look better than movie stars and models combined.
this .or the lack of "this role model'- gay porn as it is now and gay porn as was in in 1988
for instance..mighta' made it a bit easier to...
"roll with it'
in retrospect
.I was indeed given chance after chance..lesson after lesson ..to be what I was supposed to be ...
an ambitious mercenary male prostitute.
guy raised "Tommy Walker"ain't too good at keeping a job.
all they know in fact is fiddle about fiddle about fiddle fiddle....
I used the wrong drugs...weed and alcohol..instead of coke
coke made me ...frozen....real still....not sexual..there wasn't much crystal around back than
might have been a different story
the only drugs you can use if you are "one of theirs" is coke and meth...and than only in small doses.
..so the "john" is always one toke .one smoke.one snort over the line...
or you are not.
I was never good at the moderation stuff...I'd always be two lines ..of coke ahead of the "John"
most of them back than"placed guys" -to "test me"...
you fail enough tests...being a 'bad whore"...one who gets sucked...and won't suck an old dude's dick...unless your like starving on the street...
been there dear reader.
over and over again...punishment ya' see.
"my team" teaching ole' Dumbo...."How to Be"
on the street freezing,hungry -than you do anything.
in fact the best part about being on the street....is that you'll do anything
and realize ..what's this big deal...a job is a job..
food is food money is money
a dick in your mouth is a dick in your mouth
I give one of the best hand jobs a guy ever had...
my team even knows this....
it's my Thang" as the kids say-
Pinball Wizard nimbleness...
flipper boi.........
you better you better you bet.
(3)
I didn't realize ,at the time.how important it was.I be good at being a whore....
and what would happen to me...for not "getting with the program'
they------ "my team'-------- way ,way back than ....thought I thought "I was too good ...for 'it"..at first
my team began hating me ./.....way,way back..
at the time I didn't realize..."there was a team' why would I?
one problem was
I was satisfied to just draw little pictures.
and i'd draw little pictures at bars....instead of "just sitting there" .
like ...well ...some whore
..and this "drawing shit' was a turn off...ya see..but "Dumbo wouldn't knock it off"
drawing..in bars
'implied....some Jewie Intellectual shit.
.which isn't what some dude wants from someone they might otherwise bring to hotel room to get fucked by.
smoking cigs ...was also a problem..you can't smell smoke...smelling "like team spirit" oooh yeah
bonus points .for that
smoking cigs...also screws up...
stamina...to fucking ...goes wayside when one smokes....and I smoke lots of cigs
.
I also couldn't"get into fucking a dude I wasn't into'...not even for lots of dough
getting fucked...also ain't as easy as it seems...
and like I said in 1988 etc....
I associated gay sex with dying.lots of guys did....
to ;my team; this meant I LACKED the Free Wheeling spirit of"i wanna live like Jim Morrison.."shit
so they like hate you
your team
cuz'
they know ...that's what you were made for...
you however ....sorta' don't aspire to be no "pro" male prostitute
imagine that?
"no fuckin' dddddddumbo here wanted "to learn how to draw" which meant to my "team' I was a FAG
and not
a HOMO
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbig difference
..
one really has to be ....."groomed"...or what they call" Breeded"....to become
a "good whore"
I worked at some escort agencies early on...I tried...but..I couldn't Pull off the moment to moment nuances of "doing it right"
so they kinda said '''go your own way..
we'll have some guys "keep you"
and we'll start "paying you back " with interest..
..for wasting a perfectly good deliberated destroyed childhood ...to make me pliable..."and do anything' to
feel a sense of touch.
and "the brotherhood of man"
'you wANNA WRITE ABOUT MONARCH.bUTTERflies " is the jist
well let's pin u down like one
used to go to a neurologist.
Find out ....why my muscles get tight ..why i'd feel most of the time some electric like current zipping through me..
dr.said I it's some mild form of dystonia.
never heard of the word.
I look it up.
after the appointment.
dr gave me scrip'-some epileptic meds...
some muscle relaxer..
I look up this word "dystonia"....some kinda' movement disorder...like and not like Parkinson's
first thing I see ..is pic..s. vids of people who have dystonia.
terrifying.
my symptoms are the same. but not really at all ...and surely not to the extent one can see...
not really..
I just might look tense is all
since "my team' decided to "pump up the volume'
didn't realize at the time what it really was...
wasn't something I'd think about.
that was way back year 2000
not as much info about folks directing .directed energy "at one theirs"
I never quite was good at being "one of theirs"
In fact even I am surprised how much I refuse to be one of theirs
..................and also terrified..... of how much I refuse to be one of theirs
and because of this......I am now...
a problem
I think I was supposed to just "come off as -a problem"
and not really 'be a problem'
I am not sure
but somehow a wee too sure enuf...
I reckon it's in my best interest to keep some of this to myself.
but I seem to have some kinda' runway train co sign upon me
I literally know not what I do.
or why ......I have turned .
on my team to this extent..
it adds up....
and there is now "a sense" I am to be used now
'as example
"silkwood " style
preferably suicide.
but when it "app-ed" there is no suicide.
although -it might seem so
Murder.
it was it is.and shall be
I was never supposed to put parts of myself together.
especially concerning my childhood.
as odd as it might seem...."that part" -----
was a don't go there
the "apps"......making me some Hybrid.....some test pilot...some lab rat....not such a big deal
your kid will pay for "apps" and A.I.
one of my jobs ....when my timeline was longer...
I think was to "help find a way" to introduce biotech....as the Blog (lapses toward a mini crack habit aside)
proves I am being made smarter.
or some such ....thing...
problem is my focus turned "to the wrong things" like
wanting OUT OF THIS!
or at least some New mandlers' In da ' house"
damn....why couldn't my "team' just Go easy on the input...
physical torture is what I am to understand
will be my "payback" as Pain (in the format of brain signal) is the ultimate Neural Read
so this "read" may be transposed upon another
dissected alive
is what I am graphed.
like Unit 731
do not think I am writing this without
Knowing...
that one thing 'my team " needs to Know
is just how much warning one might
assimilate...into their wiring via interface...based NOW almost entirely on
what they will do to me.
in real time,,,and if convincing me "oh yes we can..oh yes we will...will inspire me to JUMP off an overpass"
will it?
probably.
I wonder if there are bets... a la cabin in Das woods..
a 5 to 1 that by April....
dumbo goes Concrete and Clay- frainkie olsen style...
---------------------------------
and all it takes is Dumbo walking down the street and a van ...a some guy with a gun saying
"get in"
they have already put a gun in my mouth...
but that was ....just for sex.......for a nice Heightened Fuck
ahhhh to be young again
and handled by "my team" in the years before biotech......when it was all just silent sound and LIDA "woodpecker" jump ,jive and wail...
dude
if you only knew...the FUN they had with me...
in my younger days...
you too would Hate "Your Team" as much as I do
and would happily be slowly methodically flayed
alive to write about
spooooooooooooky
----------------------------------------------------------------------
a junkie male prostitute
..but ..I never really had ambitions
to be some male escort.
be -a pro
worked for several escort services...but was never a good actor
and being a pro concerning Hooking is all about acting
I would always space out..
I was raised to space out..but nobody really wants ...a guy they paid to have sex with going "I'm not there" on them
bit of a turn off.
I was supposed to be able "turn off " the "Tommy Walker" tommy can ya' hear me SNAPSNAP fingers in front of my eyes...wakey up man ...
be presnt
be here!
raised.a certain way...to be denied touch
so
any ole' touch would do..
to nip the hair of the dog that bit ya'
the spacing out was a problem
a huge one.
I didn't turn out "right"
I was supposed to desperately want to "get somewhere "and desire nothing more than
weave-ing my into another's financial and thus social world.up da' ladder to the roof....!the room at da' top!!!! man
but instead I was satisfied just drawing little pictures..
and in being in no world but my own
and this kinda annoyed people
cuz' that wasn't what "I was for"
"my team' gets closer to making me disappear ....and want me to know this heart and soul
they reveal lots of "woulda' shoulda' beens
and how it was me who destroyed ....everything NOT them
so they tell me stuff....
as they explain "i will never quite see it coming"
so .like in a comic book
when the villain gets the superhero in his clutches
the villain always goes on and on about their dastardly plan....all is revealed cuz' supppaman ain't gonna be round ' long enuf to tell anybody
so the villain goes into all kinda detail ....about his scheme for world domination and shit
odd thing is ...to them...to "my team" I am not the hero..but the villain
who should never have written about being raised...to be
"Dumbo"
I lay there..
pinned to the bed..
or that's what it feels like
and i'm like "dude'...how much electro magneta' you beaming MAN..dag!"
yet being all pinned....
(as this is/was the focus this mornings 'brain link)
I realize I can sorta' think for myself...about 'How It Got to this point "this
nightmare ...
.it began when I was about 19
and they realized "Dumbo' had been "over cooked"
concerning the ritualized trauma stuff
to make me into a utility
(no worries...they have so many of us...so many in the late 60's early 70's were literally conceived to "be had"
born
to be "wild")
in my youth
which was "to be their youth" ya' see...
people raised to be razed...
aren't considered "people" but "things"
hmmm you to dear reader are something of a thing
for instance ..in a way ...to put this .....in wa y you can understand..
anyone born into "some fictional country"
are owned by whatever fictional country you were born into
if they
want
they can come into your house.take you
and say you are going over seas to fight for us...the aliens must be stopped ...
this
they call- being a citizen
during some parts of history
not too far long ago
you,if you for instance kinda' Liked the Communal notion of communism
you could lose your job....etc etc...for going to some meeting /communist keg party or something
so every body is sorta' owned.
you as well dear reader....as can be your child...
you can't have a child who is not a citizen and the fictious country this child "has papers'
proving "he exists"
allows
in exchange for this child being "certified that he or she "exists"
in some fictional country
in trade ....can take the kid away and send him to mars or something to fight martians
most kids ...are not literally conceived to "Be had by King and Country" as that's a bit as they say in Paris "eeeewww"
and there a sorta' 'eeewww" factor
to one's mothers being drugged "by a team" or a 'team playa' to be deliberately -knocked up...but if it's
for the greater good
who cares.
right?
you had better say right bro...or they can hurt you..
-------------------------------------and will
in spite of my 'having a tough time with the cybernetics....the literally NOW being made some hybrid.
..with 300,000 or so "apps" all upside my head..
..for some reason
still want to live..
but as "they say'-----------and thus we SAY" not sooooo much"
cuz' I sorta think someone has to "speak out " about human testing....and literally "making kids" -for /as ----literally -science projects..
more and more people are by the way writing about being "app-ed"
but from what I understand 95% of those raised "butterfly/Tommy can ya' hear me style" lose their CUE response in their mid 30's
a guy or gal grows up...and "gets it" and begins
actively....distancing themselves from CUED response
purposely not reating
I was a goner..
a while ago...but still suitable for testing and testing and testing
..especially when they 'app-ed" me specifically to see about instilling a new" brand"
of cued response based primarily on sight
based induced Meiosis
it might be sorta understandable how silent sound works..cuz Google Glass introduced bone conductive hearing...sorta' to the public..
getting someone to understand
that somehow "some team" can transmit to parts the mind that "make you see things" again
"not so much"
people don't often think of the way they think and perceive ,how they SEE
as simply a series of signals
but people "in the field " of mind study think of little else
just as those who invest in A.I. and BCI think of little else beside the billions and billions they will soon make
thanks in no small part
but in large part cuz' this tech is not only allowed ...BUT MUST BE
developed "behind closed doors"
never mind the "Human organisms' this junk is being tested upon kinda' wanting closed doors
fer' instance on their thoughts, perceptions etc...
scuse me for not being Open Minded about a New Open Mind Tech..
dear reader....you think this is jive
ooooooh how lucky you are.......to be able to think that.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
if I say the word HEART you will SEE in your mind's eye a heart shape.
why?
cause signals in your brain" just work that way"
now if these signals can be "brain mapped" and next "collected 'via sensors in your anatomy than interpreted.
into pictures
they can also be sent back to you...
you think this is "just being done to animals:
it's just being done to animals..
get real dear reader.
and consider "they sorta' don't release shit about Human Experimentation ..like ...uh on You Tube
oh
except this piece of nonsense
tis easy to apologize for something happened 20 years ago....Mr Clinton was well aware
of Psychotronic /and brain interface,A.I. testing..
I ain't the only one instilled to never let one's left hand know what the right one is doing
intentionally certain 3 letter agencies
are left to their own devises...
and what devises bro' they got
nice- for any president to "be purposely Not supposed to know -certain "stuff"
he knew enough"
and just to be sure we were all a bit sidetracked...
along comes
"the girl'
for two years all we heard about was 'the girl'
very strange
in retrospect
very convenient as well I reckon......Hollywood couldn't have scripted "that jive" better..
in fact "some conspiracy theorist " believe......Hollywood indeed "script " that bit of "blow-up"
and other bits of blow -up as well..
--------------------------
don't worry dear reader....never forget you are reading "a story" written by a man who thinks he's
uh what's the silliest word I can come up with
for something to not sound benign?
TWITTER
TWEET
BLOG
FACEBOOK
GOOGLE
ahhhhh- yes
Cyborg
Android.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DRONE...yes the subject was drones..
a president after all is just some 'symbol...a drone'
no real power.
years of legislation made that so..
except of course when ya' Let da';RIGHT ONE IN
for 'I met a boy named Frank Mills"
on. sept 12th .right here
right now
..America will now be
uhhhh
now what's the silliest word I can come up with
that by it's very "nature" sounds off putting
besides police state ....
oh don't you believe words like new world order weren't dreampt up
by some genius in Hollywood or some whore of a writer
so certain notions would come ready-made Tin Foil Hat "style"
don't think for one second ...I began writing this shit ...without
'a little help from my friends..bro' and a bit of hand out...
thing is...dear reader .I soon began ;;;;"going off script"
opps I did it again
(2)
how did I get the job?
cause I wasn't good for much else.
and lots and lots of practice dear reader.....
a man made to be a whore.quite literally finds themselves
whether they like it or not.
exactly what they wanted...needed....
a whore.
oh they gave ME MANY CHANCES TO BECOME A "PRO'at less derogatory " of sucking the cock that feeds you
than being "in residence wacko writer"
any good writer.good filmmaker
worth their earnings ...is sucking you off...predicting your response ....holding back...give up bits of information 24 frames per second.
...
those good enough at the mind fuck we willing desire when we watch tv...which we willing give over our minds to
WOULD YOU SHUT UP! I'm watching THIS!"
are taken or broken
LEARNING HOW TO 'PRESENT" AT A HOTEL front desk..
Hello I'm here top see Mr. Peters.
always dress well.
and always 'smile like ya' mean it"
"beiug a fag" back then wasn't the same as now....especially "the gay porn"
you'd have to search and search really to find really beautiful young guys doing this and that..
now...damn....most guys doing gay porn look better than movie stars and models combined.
this .or the lack of "this role model'- gay porn as it is now and gay porn as was in in 1988
for instance..mighta' made it a bit easier to...
"roll with it'
in retrospect
.I was indeed given chance after chance..lesson after lesson ..to be what I was supposed to be ...
an ambitious mercenary male prostitute.
guy raised "Tommy Walker"ain't too good at keeping a job.
all they know in fact is fiddle about fiddle about fiddle fiddle....
I used the wrong drugs...weed and alcohol..instead of coke
coke made me ...frozen....real still....not sexual..there wasn't much crystal around back than
might have been a different story
the only drugs you can use if you are "one of theirs" is coke and meth...and than only in small doses.
..so the "john" is always one toke .one smoke.one snort over the line...
or you are not.
I was never good at the moderation stuff...I'd always be two lines ..of coke ahead of the "John"
most of them back than"placed guys" -to "test me"...
you fail enough tests...being a 'bad whore"...one who gets sucked...and won't suck an old dude's dick...unless your like starving on the street...
been there dear reader.
over and over again...punishment ya' see.
"my team" teaching ole' Dumbo...."How to Be"
on the street freezing,hungry -than you do anything.
in fact the best part about being on the street....is that you'll do anything
and realize ..what's this big deal...a job is a job..
food is food money is money
a dick in your mouth is a dick in your mouth
I give one of the best hand jobs a guy ever had...
my team even knows this....
it's my Thang" as the kids say-
Pinball Wizard nimbleness...
flipper boi.........
you better you better you bet.
(3)
I didn't realize ,at the time.how important it was.I be good at being a whore....
and what would happen to me...for not "getting with the program'
they------ "my team'-------- way ,way back than ....thought I thought "I was too good ...for 'it"..at first
my team began hating me ./.....way,way back..
at the time I didn't realize..."there was a team' why would I?
one problem was
I was satisfied to just draw little pictures.
and i'd draw little pictures at bars....instead of "just sitting there" .
like ...well ...some whore
..and this "drawing shit' was a turn off...ya see..but "Dumbo wouldn't knock it off"
drawing..in bars
'implied....some Jewie Intellectual shit.
.which isn't what some dude wants from someone they might otherwise bring to hotel room to get fucked by.
smoking cigs ...was also a problem..you can't smell smoke...smelling "like team spirit" oooh yeah
bonus points .for that
smoking cigs...also screws up...
stamina...to fucking ...goes wayside when one smokes....and I smoke lots of cigs
.
I also couldn't"get into fucking a dude I wasn't into'...not even for lots of dough
getting fucked...also ain't as easy as it seems...
and like I said in 1988 etc....
I associated gay sex with dying.lots of guys did....
to ;my team; this meant I LACKED the Free Wheeling spirit of"i wanna live like Jim Morrison.."shit
so they like hate you
your team
cuz'
they know ...that's what you were made for...
you however ....sorta' don't aspire to be no "pro" male prostitute
imagine that?
"no fuckin' dddddddumbo here wanted "to learn how to draw" which meant to my "team' I was a FAG
and not
a HOMO
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbig difference
..
one really has to be ....."groomed"...or what they call" Breeded"....to become
a "good whore"
I worked at some escort agencies early on...I tried...but..I couldn't Pull off the moment to moment nuances of "doing it right"
so they kinda said '''go your own way..
we'll have some guys "keep you"
and we'll start "paying you back " with interest..
feel a sense of touch.
and "the brotherhood of man"
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