xxxx

xxxx comes into my room..
he is not acting like himself.
he walks around what used to be "our" room...
touching little trickets and little bits of stuff ....like he's never  been in the room...
there's a gentle quality to him that he hasn't shown in a while....
whatever 'role" he was placed in my life for...
he has put aside...

"You have to stop," xxxx says...," you are not a Targeted Individual...yeah they did some stuff to you..but they haven't done it again....," his back is turned to me...he turns around,he looks like he's been crying...I don't like him like this..."I don't want you to stop writing it your way  because you are afraid of them...but because... we..we expected you to be fair...about this
...to see both sides and every side in between..."
 He sits on the corner of the bed..."are you writing this for money?....are you writing this to scare people?"

"they scare me ," I tell him..."I don't know what I am doing I tell him

"they wanted you to stop using drugs
..and to stop using THEM...and demonstrate that a person can live in two worlds...and you write about Evan calling you a Jew this Jew that...?- When you know he's doing some of this just to..."

"Just to what XXXX ?" I say,"because I don't know anymore..I never knew.I I never know,"..why did you
do
this?
Why did  become my boyfriend back than ...Because they asked you to...that's why"I say

"...AND because I wanted to...." He says,"..none of us have a choice in this...but I CHOSE you

Everyone has no real choice.....NOT Evan ,not Tru.Christie
..not anybody...but for you to begin baiting them....or whatever you are trying to do.."
They don't understand..
They need you to "write what they need you to write...not what YOU feel you want to write..that's why they sent the typewriter.."

"do you want me to love them...?is that what they want?"I ask...

"not love them but respect them....respect "IT"
XXXX says,"No I am not in your shoes...but You are  the one that's going to drive yourself crazy hating it so much..
.It's about trying to make a new world...which is going to happen whether I like it ,THEY like it or anybody likes it...they are trying to test limits ....this is not something NEW to you.
..what happens between you and THEM should sometimes stay between you and them...some of the work they do  is to  build you up ...by pushing you-
and forcing you and thus them  to consider certain implications of what they are trying to create. A  World  on top of and not instead of this one..This One and the one they're trying to create on top of this one.
 is not all  about terror.
I know they play with you
I know you sometimes like they're world
their link
better than
better than you liked me..,"He says .

I turn to the wall,away from him..

"I don't think that's true" I say

"It was true," he says and I don't know what to say back..

"It's about  Brain Mapping ...and  acquiring and provoking Thought Styles...but you have no idea..sometimes  how it gets...."I tell him

"No ...not really ..but do you really want to me to 'get ideas" from the way you are writing about about it?"He says..."They don't want you to revisit Cole....or other subjects ...not without YOU providing some humanity...to the Project.
That's YOUR purpose..
..to remain HUMAN..as they try to practice their  Transhumanism. on you.
.everybody is making this up as we go along. I for one wasn't told in advance I'd be having to compete with some Tele-Presence I  can't hear or see ..for your attention and affection..
Me,one of the few people who knew "it was true..It's up to you, not them to stay Human... and up to you to prove
 not just to them but to everybody involved  this project  that a person is capable of keeping a part of themselves that  nobody
no Tele-Presence ,no interface ,no A.I. can touch or Ruin..or take away.."He says

I jokely say "Stay Gold Ponyboy.'

"Stay gold," he says laughing , holding me like he used to.