frozen

 

 

(1)"A dollar a day from every person reading my mind ,"Evan "gleaned through his auditory cortex via the bio sensor speckled headset .

"you are losing" these persons" babe every time a subscriber has to hear that one again "Evan graphed to Dumbo's neural prosthetics ,Dumbo's Merge....which he reminded Dumbo wasn't really his ...is it?...that just because you seem to be  sick of it..doesn't mean you can now do and say anything you want about our product ..not without repercussions"

"Real repercussions or these fake repercussions you send through my head you fuckin' Maniac?'Dumbo thinks and therefore graphs.

Evan had to remember that other "sports' paid good money to listen in to the testing...and it wasn't difficult to spin Dumbo's neural reads to make Dumbo always seem the aggressor..

Some of Dumbo's "patrons" had special requests.And it sure as shit wasn't paying the kunt a dollar a day from every person who read his Jewboy mind .
One guy had agreed to pay good money to be online in Dumbo's mind when they cut Dumbo' up alive
if nothing else..scrod like Dumbo made  for  awesome pain readings .."
These arrogant,jewie,"just shoot me "types...
Dumbo used to be fun..knew how to be action-ie..knew how to s*ck and f*ck
(2)
Of course Evan knows I can hear him think...but I am too exhausted to conjure up any self referential mental imagery of me being flayed alive

and I feel Evan's disappointment right through me as if it's my own...they still think of me as 20 something..
             no.
                  they don't ..it's part of this ...thing
                                none of it makes sense..
                                    the senselessness of it..,.is what makes one senseless
                                          I wait for the day..i will be numb enough
                                                 to be unfrozen...enough to have just enough
                                                             self left to be able to hold a gun.
                                                                who I will be shooting .I won't care.
                                                                       
while one part of me is being  driven
psychic driving. pound pound  round and roaming raving by remote ..
another part.of me ..kept kept always kept.by someone..
never alone but so never with anyone.
but THIS
but THEM
another part of me kept going .always on.always toughened by THIS and more THIS than anyone can take..Good Boy ..Dumbo.
goooood bbbbbbboy.
always  being taught.and taut-ened up...to strike another who dares look at me.too long
or too wrong.
to.....srike at them if need be with my teeth alone
this is no sport for guys my age.
and they know it..
it's why they wanted this replay.

it's why I was brought back to LA...
why'd I go.....

why didn't I know?

.(3)
Evan's job now according to word on high  was to officiate a strong sense of indignation in Dumbo and get him indignant  enough  to forget all his little self made rules  we went along with about keeping his venting  fictional....of keeping everything he might need to vent about as "half baked" as we deliberately kept him.
.The idea now was to curb his  Hzs..
 effect his mood.
make everything about Dumbo more mechanical, more flat
.
like a puppet for real if that's the way he wanted it..
..have him feel like crying one second laughing the next.
mental patient savant.
The guy coulda' played by the rules....but choose not to..
if you ask me deserves no more chances..
He isn't doing what we want him to do...
what did we want him to do..
we wanted him to respect "it"
that's all
but he undid all of it..
by thinking of his childhood as if it was sick
instead of ......

irrelevant
except for the cues
the associations..
he  was supposed to be protective of ..not spiteful 
who does he think he is?

I want to deal with him not via the "apps" but man to man and shake him and shake him
now just
. Remind the cocksucker we control his every fucking beat no matter he thinks he knows what beat we're on
... drive him irrevesably nuts doesn't he know who he's fucking with ...some want him .Institutionalized ...for ever....a lesson for all the other Dumbo's raised on Referentials that think they can talk about it ..type about it.
How much work went into impressing them upon him...
of course his type can care less about anything.
I'm   gonna '
.Teach him no more being picked up by cops unless it's  in a body bag...
 get Dumbo's sanities  into knots enough that he could be inspired to "go too far" is what Valerie told me
(4)
"Nobody thinks of Proxy as people to begin with..
 nobody who subscribed to any Proxy's mind needed any late Lenny Bruce  civil rights and shit understand DDDDDDDDDDumbo...
fucking and sucking...and some bar room brawl stuff..YES
or you're days are numbered understand you ingrate !...mushroom of a man?" Evan graphs ..needing more and more buffer and   time delay so big ears wouldn't "get the jist " of the Team's new strategy which now was all about making it  very difficult to pinpoint exactly whom killed Dumbo..

".did Bryan Singer...who may or may have  discovered " the human piece of trash back when little Dumbo could actually appeal to someone's needs
..or is it more like Dumbo describes  that his own government thinks his kind is eugenically unsound to be "round much longer..

'what ?" I graph

Evan unhooked a plug that made sure the interface was purely one way..not needing the miscreant getting him  grilled concerning his own intentions ever again

 

..quickly Evan flipped through his  manual that helped him dichotomize detractors.


"It has been proposed that induced elements of fear into a subject's interface will help an adult autistic reformat neural pathways to focus their attentions out of themselves and into the "real world". When subjects were induced via a brain computer interface fearful aural and visual information  they often turned to other people around them to help them deal with the intrusion ,thus opening the doors to more and more cohesion with the world outside of themselves ."Evan graphs making sure the timbre of his voice sounds remote, purposely computer like .

Interaction with XXXX...and Liam and the other roomates.?.I presume ...but can't help wondering where this came from all of sudden..
I try to reel my mind back to just minutes ago when Evan was sending me thoughts of me being cut up...
and some inadvertent gleaned thought of me being ..Eugenically ? what?

SLOWLY .
THE VOICE SAYS SOMETHING .
SOMETHING but I am wrapped up in a new kind of fear..they never did "it' like this before.
I don't know what I did this time to make them angry..
I know that XXXX is not just looking angry but looking scared now..scared for me..scared for him ..I am not sure.Maybe I really don't think enough about others and am autistic..I don't know anymore.,all I see now in XXXX is that he was picked to watch over me and be someone I knew knew...I should have appreciated just that alone...it just feels like everything is too late..OI feel my mood change suddenly to

face a nice visual....and be smitten by it..and it's friendly childish ways "Hello my baby Dumbo.."
it says

"Hello my little ..." I stop myself.I stop my inner thoughts from interacting with this -nothingness.
but I cannot fight the friendliness that surges through me towards this nice little Winnie the pooh..

"why so sad today Dumbo" the occipital overide "says" or moreso imparts over my cortex 

"Tough day I guess is all" I think toward the Winnie ..but I force myself to be removed...seeing OF Course  I can't ..and never got anywhere.in life...with this sssssssshhhhhhhhhit.going on..
 THEY WANTED ME TO BE AN 8 YEAR OLD ALL MY LIFE.
no
just one part of me..
what they want from other parts..
is
are
different attributes entirely

"shut the fuck up Dumbo" the fading image of Winnie the Pooh says in Evan's voice.
I look around the room...so much of my time in a room.
warehoused.
always....watched. And controlled .there were always guys before XXXX..always guys.since high school that's what they wanted..but now that I am old..
older.
what they want is revenge...for what? for the truth?


(5)
that walk I took was scary...and it wasn't about not having anywhere to go..

 I used to go places with this going on and just could pretend it wasn't ...sometimes ..the tone of the interface and visuals went with the surroundings. Everything seemed OK ..manageable..

but as the months went by ..and I took anything and everything to try to 
get away 
from this..
not just a  bar ..not just alcohol
 they didn't seem to mind
in fact they seemed to like how the crack affected me ..calmed me ..
.Now I just feel like I've been used and rolled and destroyed...I am doing the last thing I am allowed to do   and that is "go self referential"
but it's too late

Evan sends me a visual

..a ripped apart piece of a man who I suppose is supposed to be me on the floor of my room.
the man is dressed in a uniform. And has no face....
no ego
and no face

I feel like a piece of film that has skipped..
I don't know how to respond
there seems to be a pause sent through me..
of emptiness
of no feeling .of still ness
time actually frozen .of death

 

 "It has been proposed that induced elements of fear into a subject's interface will help an adult autistic reformat neural pathways to focus their attentions out of themselves and into the "real world". When subjects were induced via a brain computer interface fearful aural and visual information  they often turned to other people around them to help them deal with the intrusion ,thus opening the doors to more and more cohesion with the world outside of themselves ."Tru Christie graphs .

I still see the man...on the floor..
today there are not cartoons talking with the sound...together..
friendly or playing but something else is going on
I hear my own voice talking back to Evan's last graph
'yeah..and it has been proposed that if you keep this shit up ..much longer I won't be around much longer"but it is nothing I have thought .Nothing I would have said either rvocally or Mind to Mind ,not in this mood.Not today

"Isn't that what you insist in your pathetic whine-ing this is all about anyway?" Evan Graphs.,"I mean dude ..it's only make believe .."

"It's getting in the way," I hear a voice like my inner voice"say" /think"It's getting in the way it's getting in the way..but I know it isn't me thinking this.

I sense my thoughts are up in some invisible fan
going round and round not part of me.

 suddenly Evan tele- presents himself   as" Harvey the 8 foot rabbit,

and I hear myself
but it isn't me  responding...not as I would now..but at a different time when I felt playful...or at least. Entranced by it..

"oh man is that the best you can do?Man.Fuckin ' Harvey?"I hear some version of myself think/say

the tone is wrong .I am scared and the voice ,my own..but away from me .Theirs.

 it
 responding playfully "DDDude .it feels like your not even  trying 

I hear  my--- self "say"
it's like a mocking 
a shaming
.
a demonstration of what is to come

the rabbit .it seems to get closer


and my own voice ..it plays again,""DDDude .it feels like your not even  trying "
digitized and vivisected
a  "think" playful
 about and toward- the rabbit
                   the Harvey ..


the rabbit it's face now becomes like the face of the representation the occipital over lay of the   man that I was forced to see on the floor.
.faceless.pink.peach..

"..we're helping you.Not hurting you..Understand ?Evan graphs

"No.." I graph and a shot of pain goes through my leg..

"Understand ?" Evan graphs again

"yes" I think back