A condition I was sunnily un ware of until until until…I was deemed DEEM-Able by the Powers that seize…..a fodder for the New Way of both studying the brain signals of schizophrenic…and the possible CURE for one possessed by a comportment of Cognitive Computationals that were "out of ‘ format" with various data collection services …
Meaning …according to dr G that …people like I..
Fick up the facial and pupil and heat sensing apparatus that ….seeks out .."oddballs’ …my mind is murky and the …explanation of dr g…are muddled…
What he meant was that ….looking too different ,moving too differently and specifically having a countenance or slump or gait…etc…that keep coming up on recognizance equipment just become a bothersome ….speck on the ever recording cameras and scanning devices…
And for economic reasons and so "one’s ""number doesn’t keep comin gp over and over again as a possible…perpetrator of something ...," dr G explained "….folks who think weird also tend to act and thus appear and scan weird….and so that this type does not stand out like a n extra in a film or something ….steps must be taken to reformat the ….organism so one can take the subway and shit …without screwing up the monitoring systems with ‘lase positives’ of deviance….
Not to say dr g. said that you are not considered a deviant….
(dr g. paused when he said. That…STILLL testing me …if I over emphasized my Oddness…on purpose….like a teenager who dyes their hair blue….or something ……
The dr confides in me that new scanning equipment is being developed to do mind imaging and …some lite mind reading….thought transcription shit…..and certain types ….with botch up the …recognition …moreso with thought transcription than even facial recognition and in advance of these new technologies goin up …they just wanna do some…Pre Emptives on folks who brain signals are just so Off that they trigger over and over …some one in some control booth to keep evaluating the same damn weirdo…
Sorry the dr says but that’s how they identify you ..the ‘watchers in the new watch towers….they don’t believe in psychiatric diagnosis….all black and white thinking….weirdo brain signals and facial scanning…or normal…it’s just the way it is..
Whatever I say…
Weirdo schizo .same thing..
Not quite the doc says but close enuf.
November
The pills are making me too tired.thats why ..i say…explaining why I missed 2 appointments..
He tells me that they sent a letter telling him ….and that my housing and food vouchers are gonna stop..if I miss 2 more appointments…
He believes me
I think
that the pills make me so tired and that’s why I missed the meetings not SKIPPED the meetings on purpose.
"lets try the chips ," he says.
At first I said no to the chips….
"fewer side effects ……. And you’ll get an extra 40 dollars a month if you participate..
" …’
When dr g brought up the chips before instead of the meds he told me he could just put them in me with a hypodermicneedle and in just days they’d attach to my dendrites…no need to go to the hospital…not surgery….
Dr g was kinda pushing the chips…and I was suspiscious….as the new clock in his office and his coffee mug had the words Merge Nano on it….his pen…his table merge merge merge…I assumed he was getting paid or given some kinda benefits or extra $ for clinical trials..and for some reason even with me getting an extra 40 bucks a month I didn’t want him getting what I knew was like probably 50 times more from the pharmaceutical company that now …was into ‘chips"
But now with the threat of them shutting off my food subsidies and rent ….i sorta had no choice …and the thought of not being so tired…and no side effects I got the hypodermic needle …
And three days later…
Did feel a pretty pronounced …improvement….
I didn’t know if it was the meds coming out of my system or the Merge.
DECEMBER
"you didn’t tell me about the voices and seeing that go with the merge…
Dr G said it was all on the release from …the Mentors…and the research…and most of his ‘clients" rather enjoyed the cybernetic enhancements…
"you’ll never meet them…the guys and gals doing the brain computer interface …so don’t be embarrassed or try to hold back your thoughts…"that’s usually when the problems start….when you try ‘fuckin with the I interface……..
"maybe I want to meet them…after all they’re reading every fucking thought I have…
"sometimes it’s just a computer doping the "link" sometimes "Mentors" …
"the seeing is pretty cool…I must say….but the constant….yapping..
"oh that's just to …keep you ON. Engaged…used to it..
I can tell he has no idea..what the interface entails….they just give him cups and clocks..
Turing Tests……based on some …way of gathering data .and also evoked response….from the non verbal parts of the brain…. Also a sort of personality test….to see how you comport yourself…if the interface is a Direct neural Mind to Mind or just some computer….
It’s all very technical…rocket scientist stuiff….
I tell him I’m gonna go to Merge and visit this place and see how they do it..maybe meet my mentors….see how it works.
"I had another patient he tells me real serious who became fixated on the tools and technicalities.. and went on some kind of..rampage---
Just be happy to get the extra 40 dollars a month …and that they’re gonna make you smarter."
JANUARY
I now see my life as a series of visual images.
Rather than memories that are vague and emotional..
THE AMOUNT OF MONEY ONE MAKES decides WHERE ONE LIVES .HOW ONE LIVES>
And thus the visual imagery ONE receives as IMPUT
MONEY and ATTAINMENT of SUCCESS
Are the X plus Y that YIELDS BEAUTY
In the Lines, Composition of PLACE.
People with a specific affect that often causes their minds to run too fast ARE too aware of Fluctuations in Emotional Fluctuations of Emanations
In this respect a schizoid personality type is quite like a "brain link" scanning device.
Every nuance of Electromagnetic frequency from plants, animals and humans
Is heightened
Both to Individuals one comes in contact with and entire crowds of Individuals
A Schizophrenic or Psychotic sees and sense the world Second to Second
And acts more like a gage than a consciousness…
The hyperconsciousness to indicators and fluctuations of "state of another’s" Being
Inevitably gets in the way of Social Bonding.
As an individual or even a crowd that comes into contact with a psychotic…or one who
Feeds on "psychic emminations" is often aware that one inflicted with Signal Awareness
Rather than emotional awareness is "put off" by one who senses rather than Feels
I wasnot quite aware that I didn’t feel things towards my …whatever the thoughts and voice was speaking about..often I can barelt tell the difference between the interface and my own thought…I tell the dr…who says THIS is good this is good…it means I am making signifigant headway to normaixation and a type of what hecalled stardardization of mindset that might not set off any bells or whistles with recognizance equipment..he tells me that I do not even look so "funny" and he notes I am making eye contact withouit seeming to STEAL or garner his EXACTITUDES ..his signals..
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