"The Big Littles" ('if you keep lookin' down nobody will come around')

Layla watched Kate with her bar time beau ..
heard Kate laughing .
wondering if Kate laughing "too loud"
was for her benefit.
Lately Layla couldn't stand- not just listening to her own inner thoughts
but feeling them becoming more and more part of what she was-
Layla had a cross around her neck she sometimes touched
as if
the touching of the crucifix
alone was something like a delete button for her unwanted thoughts.

Layla had not gone to church since she was a teenager
for Layla
 just her telling herself -reminding herself
and therefore reminding  - someone or something -Up there
she didn't mean whatever "bad thought' she had
was "at least something"

or maybe once was.

the bad thoughts .the sour thoughts Layla had about  Kate across the bar
That Kate was deliberately laughing "too loud" to impress upon her that SHE KATE not HER LAYLA was enjoying herself
made Layla feel sick to her stomach
and while these bad thoughts
were indeed acknowledged by Layla as something cruel and
something mean spirited that she did like thinking about ..

Layla  had had the  thought  hadn't she?
and no regret of such thinking actually "made the thought " go away
nor the recoil she felt
hearing again Kate's seemingly amplified laughter-for her ,Layla's benefit
no pressing her index finger to the smooth cool glint of the  cross
around her neck gave her
the type of thinking and feeling she had once thought was- herself
.Not only at her best, but day to day ,minute to minute.

Layla felt Kate's hand swing around her neck ...
"If you keep lookin' down ..nobody will come around"
It was something she had heard one of the Big Little's say
 .Was it Damian or Adrian ? Layla wasn't sure.

Kate sat down beside her .Plopping down her over sized purse loudly on the stool
as if to make a sound effect of 'Boy am I famished"

'Did you see me Layla ? Did you see me dancing?" Kate asked .
Layla asked where her friend from Neuronautic's had gone
but was suddenly worried that the words would come out or be read the way Layla
was thinking Katewas thinking "toward' her


"Work ,work,work," Kate said like little baby might but Kim's voice soon  sprung into full teenage girl giggles
 Kate
holding up a MILF coaster with "the guy's" number written on it.
Layla half expected Kate to shove the coaster with the number written upon it down her bra as if to
round out the  theatrics
Kate even wobbled little ,as if she was drunk, although Kim had not even finished one drink.
Kate even  spoke with what sounded like a pantomime of a drunken stutter
"Poor Layla ....we have to find Layla a nice Mandy Man Fan so Layla won't sulky wolk for the rest of the evening"

No touching of a cross or anything could uncoil Layla's rush of "improper' thinking toward Kate
who now became part of a seemingly endless litany
of Whys-
Why do I know this woman?
Why do I come out with this woman"
Why did I not have a husband?
Why did  I marry a loser?
Why is my son autistic?

"Why aren't you at least pretending to enjoy yourself Layla?" Kate said ,in a voice that almost sounded natural but not a least bit concerned.
It was something one said
No
It was something someone like Kate said, thought Layla ,something that a woman like Kate said  before making a point of looking into your eyes
and flashing a smile that said "look what I can do "
'look what I can project"
and you can't "even try"

Layla ordered another drink and Kate spotted another single Neuronaut.
Leaving Layla thankfully alone with her drink ,with her cross, with her thoughts.