- A brain-computer interface has been developed by the US Defence Research Projects Agency (DARPA) that is capable of laying a heads-up display over a user's natural vision.As outlined at the Biology is Technology conference the interface provides a direct link between the brain and an external device or software through manipulation of the visual cortex.The chief of DARPA's Biological Technologies, told the conference how the device could replace all virtual reality glasses, such as the Oculus Rift, by bypassing the visual sensory system entirely,Optogenetics involves the controlling of light-responsive proteins within the brain through targeted light emission.-Phillip Alvelda.
2) "Wakey Wakey," Evan graphs upon my auditory cortex
and not for the first time do I consider how odd it is "My Team" calls me Dumbo during most of the interfaces when I do not even need ears to "hear" them.
"Nor eyes baby boy," Evan graphs reading my next thought as an image of some celebrity or other covering one of their eyes with their hand appears mid air ,fleetingly.
All they ask from me when it's "Wakey ,Wakey,' is that I simply sit up in bed and not try to roll over and grab some more 'winks'
By now I do as interfaced having seen ,heard and felt the repercussions otherwise.
All through my teeth brushing shaving and showering
Evan transfers pure thought
{STORIES ARE THE PLACES WE GO TO UNDERSTAND WHERE WE FIT INTO THE STORY OF LIFE.
pictures visualizations
AT THEIR BEST DO NOT DO JUSTICE TO A NEW TYPE OF MOVIE ,A NEW TYPE OF ENTERTAINMENT
THAT TO A LARGE DEGREE
WILL DEPEND ONLY UPON THE CONSUMER'S
OWN
EXPERIENCE
only an emotional over lay
can allow a brain computer interface consumer to allow New Imput
in them
Emotional or Character Overlay
DOES NOT RELEY UPON PLOT
in the emerging field of Augmented Reality
when a future consumer will not LET themselves be augmented.
.....let themselves GO -as they say
they can't "play"
AS PLOT CONCERNS TIME
AS MUCH AS 'BEING"
ANOTHER CHARACTER
MOST OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE
ARE NOT PLOT DRIVEN EXCEPT
EXCEPT IN TV AND FILM
MOST OF THE BEST THINGS ..AND THUS THE BEST FEELINGS IN MIND HAPPEN
NOT JUST BECAUSE A BIRTHDAY PARTY OR PICNIC WAS PLANNED TO INDUCE HAPPINESS
BUT STIMULI THAT IS UNPLANNED HAPPENSTANCE
USUALLY THESE JOYS PERTAIN TO SOCIAL SITUATIONS
THAT MAKE ANOTHER FEEL FOR HAPPENSTANCE .FOR OTHER PEOPLE OUTSIDE OF THEMSELVES
THE WORD EMPATHY DOES NOT GO FAR ENOUGH IN EXPLAINING THIS SENSE OF EGO LESSNESS
AND THE REWARDS OF BEAUTY AND LOVE
BEING OBSERVED IN OTHERS WITHOUT ENVY OR JEALOUSY
BUT THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF THIS
BUT THESE FEELINGS
THESE MOST UNIQUE FEELINGS OF A TYPE OF JOY
THAT RELIES UPON AN IN TOUCHNESS WITH SENSES ACTIVATED BY LACK OF EGO
ARE ODDLY FLEETING
THE WAY THE MIND PROCESSES TIME
BECAUSE OF PRIMAL MAN'S CONSTANT NEED TO BE HYPER AWARE OF SOMETHING OR SOME ONE
SOME ANIMAL ,SOME TRIBE
TAKING THIS SPECIFIC FEELING AWAY
LEST THEE BE EATEN OR ATTACKED
BUT DUMBO ...WHAT IF THOSE HIGH MOMENTS OF A TOO SHORT HUG ..OR THE TOO SHORT SMILE IN A LOVER'S EYES CAN BE EXPNADED
INTO TIMELESSNESS
IF MERGE BIO TECH COULD ALTER NOT ONLY THE WAY TIME UNFOLDS BUT SWITCH OFF THE SECTION OF PRIMAL BRAIN THAT WAITS
AND WATCHES JOY AND EGOLESSNESS AS MIGHT A OVER ANXIOUS NANNY
ON GUARD
IF ONE WENT TO THE THEATER AND WATCHED 2 PEOPLE ON THE STAGE DOING NOTHING WHATSOEVER BUT SIT THERE ON STAGE ..THE PLAY WOULD STILL HAVE A BEGINNING .A MIDDLE AND AN END...}
sound upon my mind in tune with "the Theme or Subject ' of the Day
Only in the shower are 'cool images transmitted upon my cortex
smiling soap Disney like tiny monkeys that play and seem to move tile to tile.
Don't think "My team' does this "Bali Hi" bit in the shower for my sake but their own
a Mandler must find a way to keep a proxy's inner visions far and away from washing of one's "naughty bits ' and such..which do not make for the most wholesome nor compassionate str8 to cortex
Best if you dear reader do not think
to hard about these things yourself ...as really
these days
you never know
who is listening..
all clean
all dressed and all settled down in the Blue Chair
that faces a 6 foot by 4 ft white canvas tacked on the wall
the canvas has been painted white
Bright white
as I was graphed to do
so I might feel as if I projecting thought toward some thing both blank filled with possibility..
PURPLE
Evan graphs
MOUNTAIN
Evan Graphs
MAJESTY
Evan Imparts
and I think towards him what comes to mind with those 3 words written upon my mind
and in less than the time
this "Inner Imagining"
even gets a chance to FADE from my mind
I receive feedback input from Evan that my inner Conjuration is GENERIC PICTURE POSTCARD grackle
and what is important is that I feel what
PURPLE-MOUNTAIN- MAJESTY
means
emotionally in terms of MOOD
as if together
me and my Mandler
are creating a drug ...a FEELING to lay over an audience
rather than just a painting that only appeals to the eye
A skip over the word MOUNTAIN
and focus on the color Purple
and the word Majesty
and see for some reason a middle aged man in purple velvet sport coat
feeling up some 20 year old blonde in a spectacularly lit posh elevator
Evan adds a tiny American flag to the man's lapel
and changes the 20 year old blonde to 20 year old shirtless and pant less guy
save for the 20 year old's red ,white and blue sneakers
(3)
now Dumbo
when one watches porn
one for a time BECOMES one of the actors in pornography
certainly a straight man watching porn does not SEE nor FEEL himself
as the woman underneath him
I think back to Evan with merge bio tech
even if the straight man chooses to see himself as a damn house plant beside on a bed side table
some Mandler would know
as soon as I have the thought I feel a brunt of pain in my right arm
a "help ful haptic' from Proxy Cyber that I am "off track '
and my "aside thinking" has no place in this interaction
when one watches porn Evan graphs- graphing upon my Visual Cortex the man in purple velvet sports coat
now on his knees in front of the blonde woman now in completely disrobed
whom I switch to blonde young man with a swimmer's build
much to Evan's delight
POINT OF VIEW is important in pornography
but so is age.
One is ageless and bodiless Mind to Mind
but most people can and will only allow themselves to LOSE THEMSELVES COMPLETELY
either in dreams
or on drugs..
"Unfortunately "letting oneself go' with the aid of neurotechnology
is seen as mind control',
Evan imparts
"yet I do never hear anyone speak of losing themselves in Tv ,Gaming or Film or while watching a damn football game...do you Dumbo? I really want to know why it is so important for you to fight us at every turn ..we purposely kept you entrained and emotionally stifled all through your childhood so you would and could remain as might clay
for when the 'apps' you so whine about
would be easier for you to take..
we purposely keep you near destitute and frightened of the outside world with 'Street Theater" and "Organized Stalking'
so this nice little room
and your Day to Day interface
would be the only place you COULD experience life by Telemetry
actually it's an insult to your "team' at Proxy Cyber who went out of our way since day one
to compartmentalize your mind
at a very early age
with quite nasty ,violent "all for you' incidentals
to shape you in such a way
that it would mean quite little that you would have very limited contact with the world outside of tele--presence ..
we helped peddle your damn artwork to instill in you "it was OK" for you to stay in a little room and do something
with your hands that presumably meant something and was legitimized didn't we?
You think anyone would have bought that shit of yours without a bit of go between you ungrateful prick ?"
I receive a quick Visual from Evan
a woman screaming
next a little boy less than 3 years old sitting in a high chair
next I see the wallpaper of the kitchen exactly the same wallpaper as the house I grew up in
NEXT
I see linoleum
the exact same as the kitchen I barely remember and don't want to.
but this kitchen is different
the size
..and the WOMAN being held by the neck by a man in a ski mask
a knife to her throat.
it is not my Real Mother
I have seen this before
I have seen this before
I have seen this before
I find myself rocking back and forth
holding myself
it is not my mother
it is not my mother
it is not my mother
it is Evan's mother
I am made to under stand
the first Mrs. Rainy.
next
somehow I see hundreds of MIND MOVIES.MIND PICTURES of the same kitchens ..the same linoleum and wallpaper in all sorts of same but different kitchens
.."the same' man in the mask
but different babies strapped into high chairs..
some boys some girls
different mothers having their throats slit in front of the babies
thousands AND thousands! Evan GRAPHS
"ALL TO PROVIDE CLAPBOARDS.IMPRINTS.SCHISM "
PURPLE FLOWERS
AU GRAUTIN
TENDANCY
"WHATS dONE WAS dID DUMBO...WHAT'S DONE WAS DID
IT WAS DONE TO ME
IT WAS DONE TO YOU...
IT IS SOMETHING done that was did
that YOU MUST RESPECT. Somehow...."
I can't or
I won't
I can't tell the difference
it is too much
and thankfully
I feel the too familiar pins and needles sensation around the crown of my head
it is too much
THEY KNOW >>>
and THEY PULL ME AWAY>>>
my 'Team"
my "Team"...I love them for saving me once more !
I feel what THEY and ONLY THEY know I must feel
drowsy
but safe.
welcome .welcome I do
the right on time appearance
Tele-Presence
.. the tiny smiling monkeys that only usually play during shower time start dancing and prancing
the word
PRANCE appears in sparkling ,glittering letters
mid air
a purposely silly and light hearted word
to help me
help me
move away from
linoleum
I trust "Mt team .My team!"
as I feel my mood -PRANCE-
my mind adjusted to reflect
that it is OK
{A smiling yellow sunny face emoji! appears in time with my lifted mood!}
that's says it's ok ..it's ok..it's OK
for me to focus upon the imagery ..the smiling little monkeys!
and forget
what bits of wallpaper and linoleum were
graphed upon me.
there was story with the Imbue I recall vaguely that had to do with
an elevator
a blonde
and man in purple sport coat
Evan is no longer online
a deeper voice..
a less engaging voice
continues with whatever Evan has imparted.
the monkeys disappear and all I see now is the white canvas
all I feel is my hand on the blue chair's hand rest.
I look at the clock I have only been up less than an hour but feel strangely exhausted.
My Mandler graphs it's OK - I woke up too early
but it is good I setting a new routine
getting the shaving and showering out of the way
on a ready steady schedule
will make it easy for everyone
especially for some new testing
that is about incremental sleep ...
rise and shine heightened brain signals
every two hours
followed by
brain signals that mimic REM sleep patterns
rise and shine brain signals 'Wakey ,wakey Dumbo!"
and next remote transmit of drowsiness
I go to the bed and fall asleep to what "my team" calls Deep Learning-
STORIES ARE THE PLACES WE GO TO UNDERSTAND WHERE WE FIT INTO THE STORY OF LIFE.
Pictures AT THEIR BEST DO NOT DO JUSTICE TO A NEW TYPE OF MOVIE THAT DOES NOT RELEY UPON PLOT EXCEPT AS MADE UP SECOND TO SECOND WITH A CONSUMER INDUCED WITH merge BIO TECH .
MOST OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE
ARE NOT PLOT DRIVEN EXCEPT CONCERNING TIME ...AND THE NATURAL WAY TIME UNFOLDS.
IF ONE WENT TO THE THEATER AND WATCHED 2 PEOPLE ON THE STAGE DOING NOTHING WHATSOEVER BUT SIT THERE ON STAGE ..THE PLAY WOULD STILL HAVE A BEGINNING .A MIDDLE AND AN END
THINK OF THE TERM "YOUR FINEST HOUR' DUMBO
AND WHAT A SHAME IT IS THAT ONE'S 'FINEST MOMENTS" ARE OF SUCH BREVITY
an hour?
just an hour ?
WHAT PEOPLE WANT CONCERNING IMBUE IS THE SUSPENSION OF TIME
FOR NOW Oh Pioneer!
THE HEIGHTS OF EMOTION AND JOY ARE LIMITED
BY SPIKES IN NEURAL FIRINGS AS REACTIONS TO STIMULI
THAT THE BRAIN
FOR WHATEVER REASON
CANNOT SUSTAIN
and as if to prove it to me
this unsustainability
my mood
my HZs tumble
PURPLE FLOWERS
AU GRAUTIN
TENDANCY
and not for the first time do I consider how odd it is "My Team" calls me Dumbo during most of the interfaces when I do not even need ears to "hear" them.
"Nor eyes baby boy," Evan graphs reading my next thought as an image of some celebrity or other covering one of their eyes with their hand appears mid air ,fleetingly.
All they ask from me when it's "Wakey ,Wakey,' is that I simply sit up in bed and not try to roll over and grab some more 'winks'
By now I do as interfaced having seen ,heard and felt the repercussions otherwise.
All through my teeth brushing shaving and showering
Evan transfers pure thought
{STORIES ARE THE PLACES WE GO TO UNDERSTAND WHERE WE FIT INTO THE STORY OF LIFE.
pictures visualizations
AT THEIR BEST DO NOT DO JUSTICE TO A NEW TYPE OF MOVIE ,A NEW TYPE OF ENTERTAINMENT
THAT TO A LARGE DEGREE
WILL DEPEND ONLY UPON THE CONSUMER'S
OWN
EXPERIENCE
only an emotional over lay
can allow a brain computer interface consumer to allow New Imput
in them
Emotional or Character Overlay
DOES NOT RELEY UPON PLOT
in the emerging field of Augmented Reality
when a future consumer will not LET themselves be augmented.
.....let themselves GO -as they say
they can't "play"
AS PLOT CONCERNS TIME
AS MUCH AS 'BEING"
ANOTHER CHARACTER
MOST OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE
ARE NOT PLOT DRIVEN EXCEPT
EXCEPT IN TV AND FILM
MOST OF THE BEST THINGS ..AND THUS THE BEST FEELINGS IN MIND HAPPEN
NOT JUST BECAUSE A BIRTHDAY PARTY OR PICNIC WAS PLANNED TO INDUCE HAPPINESS
BUT STIMULI THAT IS UNPLANNED HAPPENSTANCE
USUALLY THESE JOYS PERTAIN TO SOCIAL SITUATIONS
THAT MAKE ANOTHER FEEL FOR HAPPENSTANCE .FOR OTHER PEOPLE OUTSIDE OF THEMSELVES
THE WORD EMPATHY DOES NOT GO FAR ENOUGH IN EXPLAINING THIS SENSE OF EGO LESSNESS
AND THE REWARDS OF BEAUTY AND LOVE
BEING OBSERVED IN OTHERS WITHOUT ENVY OR JEALOUSY
BUT THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF THIS
BUT THESE FEELINGS
THESE MOST UNIQUE FEELINGS OF A TYPE OF JOY
THAT RELIES UPON AN IN TOUCHNESS WITH SENSES ACTIVATED BY LACK OF EGO
ARE ODDLY FLEETING
THE WAY THE MIND PROCESSES TIME
BECAUSE OF PRIMAL MAN'S CONSTANT NEED TO BE HYPER AWARE OF SOMETHING OR SOME ONE
SOME ANIMAL ,SOME TRIBE
TAKING THIS SPECIFIC FEELING AWAY
LEST THEE BE EATEN OR ATTACKED
BUT DUMBO ...WHAT IF THOSE HIGH MOMENTS OF A TOO SHORT HUG ..OR THE TOO SHORT SMILE IN A LOVER'S EYES CAN BE EXPNADED
INTO TIMELESSNESS
IF MERGE BIO TECH COULD ALTER NOT ONLY THE WAY TIME UNFOLDS BUT SWITCH OFF THE SECTION OF PRIMAL BRAIN THAT WAITS
AND WATCHES JOY AND EGOLESSNESS AS MIGHT A OVER ANXIOUS NANNY
ON GUARD
IF ONE WENT TO THE THEATER AND WATCHED 2 PEOPLE ON THE STAGE DOING NOTHING WHATSOEVER BUT SIT THERE ON STAGE ..THE PLAY WOULD STILL HAVE A BEGINNING .A MIDDLE AND AN END...}
sound upon my mind in tune with "the Theme or Subject ' of the Day
Only in the shower are 'cool images transmitted upon my cortex
smiling soap Disney like tiny monkeys that play and seem to move tile to tile.
Don't think "My team' does this "Bali Hi" bit in the shower for my sake but their own
a Mandler must find a way to keep a proxy's inner visions far and away from washing of one's "naughty bits ' and such..which do not make for the most wholesome nor compassionate str8 to cortex
Best if you dear reader do not think
to hard about these things yourself ...as really
these days
you never know
who is listening..
all clean
all dressed and all settled down in the Blue Chair
that faces a 6 foot by 4 ft white canvas tacked on the wall
the canvas has been painted white
Bright white
as I was graphed to do
so I might feel as if I projecting thought toward some thing both blank filled with possibility..
PURPLE
Evan graphs
MOUNTAIN
Evan Graphs
MAJESTY
Evan Imparts
and I think towards him what comes to mind with those 3 words written upon my mind
and in less than the time
this "Inner Imagining"
even gets a chance to FADE from my mind
I receive feedback input from Evan that my inner Conjuration is GENERIC PICTURE POSTCARD grackle
and what is important is that I feel what
PURPLE-MOUNTAIN- MAJESTY
means
emotionally in terms of MOOD
as if together
me and my Mandler
are creating a drug ...a FEELING to lay over an audience
rather than just a painting that only appeals to the eye
A skip over the word MOUNTAIN
and focus on the color Purple
and the word Majesty
and see for some reason a middle aged man in purple velvet sport coat
feeling up some 20 year old blonde in a spectacularly lit posh elevator
Evan adds a tiny American flag to the man's lapel
and changes the 20 year old blonde to 20 year old shirtless and pant less guy
save for the 20 year old's red ,white and blue sneakers
(3)
now Dumbo
when one watches porn
one for a time BECOMES one of the actors in pornography
certainly a straight man watching porn does not SEE nor FEEL himself
as the woman underneath him
I think back to Evan with merge bio tech
even if the straight man chooses to see himself as a damn house plant beside on a bed side table
some Mandler would know
as soon as I have the thought I feel a brunt of pain in my right arm
a "help ful haptic' from Proxy Cyber that I am "off track '
and my "aside thinking" has no place in this interaction
when one watches porn Evan graphs- graphing upon my Visual Cortex the man in purple velvet sports coat
now on his knees in front of the blonde woman now in completely disrobed
whom I switch to blonde young man with a swimmer's build
much to Evan's delight
POINT OF VIEW is important in pornography
but so is age.
One is ageless and bodiless Mind to Mind
but most people can and will only allow themselves to LOSE THEMSELVES COMPLETELY
either in dreams
or on drugs..
"Unfortunately "letting oneself go' with the aid of neurotechnology
is seen as mind control',
Evan imparts
"yet I do never hear anyone speak of losing themselves in Tv ,Gaming or Film or while watching a damn football game...do you Dumbo? I really want to know why it is so important for you to fight us at every turn ..we purposely kept you entrained and emotionally stifled all through your childhood so you would and could remain as might clay
for when the 'apps' you so whine about
would be easier for you to take..
we purposely keep you near destitute and frightened of the outside world with 'Street Theater" and "Organized Stalking'
so this nice little room
and your Day to Day interface
would be the only place you COULD experience life by Telemetry
actually it's an insult to your "team' at Proxy Cyber who went out of our way since day one
to compartmentalize your mind
at a very early age
with quite nasty ,violent "all for you' incidentals
to shape you in such a way
that it would mean quite little that you would have very limited contact with the world outside of tele--presence ..
we helped peddle your damn artwork to instill in you "it was OK" for you to stay in a little room and do something
with your hands that presumably meant something and was legitimized didn't we?
You think anyone would have bought that shit of yours without a bit of go between you ungrateful prick ?"
I receive a quick Visual from Evan
a woman screaming
next a little boy less than 3 years old sitting in a high chair
next I see the wallpaper of the kitchen exactly the same wallpaper as the house I grew up in
NEXT
I see linoleum
the exact same as the kitchen I barely remember and don't want to.
but this kitchen is different
the size
..and the WOMAN being held by the neck by a man in a ski mask
a knife to her throat.
it is not my Real Mother
I have seen this before
I have seen this before
I have seen this before
I find myself rocking back and forth
holding myself
it is not my mother
it is not my mother
it is not my mother
it is Evan's mother
I am made to under stand
the first Mrs. Rainy.
next
somehow I see hundreds of MIND MOVIES.MIND PICTURES of the same kitchens ..the same linoleum and wallpaper in all sorts of same but different kitchens
.."the same' man in the mask
but different babies strapped into high chairs..
some boys some girls
different mothers having their throats slit in front of the babies
thousands AND thousands! Evan GRAPHS
"ALL TO PROVIDE CLAPBOARDS.IMPRINTS.SCHISM "
PURPLE FLOWERS
AU GRAUTIN
TENDANCY
"WHATS dONE WAS dID DUMBO...WHAT'S DONE WAS DID
IT WAS DONE TO ME
IT WAS DONE TO YOU...
IT IS SOMETHING done that was did
that YOU MUST RESPECT. Somehow...."
I can't or
I won't
I can't tell the difference
it is too much
and thankfully
I feel the too familiar pins and needles sensation around the crown of my head
it is too much
THEY KNOW >>>
and THEY PULL ME AWAY>>>
my 'Team"
my "Team"...I love them for saving me once more !
I feel what THEY and ONLY THEY know I must feel
drowsy
but safe.
welcome .welcome I do
the right on time appearance
Tele-Presence
.. the tiny smiling monkeys that only usually play during shower time start dancing and prancing
the word
PRANCE appears in sparkling ,glittering letters
mid air
a purposely silly and light hearted word
to help me
help me
move away from
linoleum
I trust "Mt team .My team!"
as I feel my mood -PRANCE-
my mind adjusted to reflect
that it is OK
{A smiling yellow sunny face emoji! appears in time with my lifted mood!}
that's says it's ok ..it's ok..it's OK
for me to focus upon the imagery ..the smiling little monkeys!
and forget
what bits of wallpaper and linoleum were
graphed upon me.
there was story with the Imbue I recall vaguely that had to do with
an elevator
a blonde
and man in purple sport coat
Evan is no longer online
a deeper voice..
a less engaging voice
continues with whatever Evan has imparted.
the monkeys disappear and all I see now is the white canvas
all I feel is my hand on the blue chair's hand rest.
I look at the clock I have only been up less than an hour but feel strangely exhausted.
My Mandler graphs it's OK - I woke up too early
but it is good I setting a new routine
getting the shaving and showering out of the way
on a ready steady schedule
will make it easy for everyone
especially for some new testing
that is about incremental sleep ...
rise and shine heightened brain signals
every two hours
followed by
brain signals that mimic REM sleep patterns
rise and shine brain signals 'Wakey ,wakey Dumbo!"
and next remote transmit of drowsiness
I go to the bed and fall asleep to what "my team" calls Deep Learning-
STORIES ARE THE PLACES WE GO TO UNDERSTAND WHERE WE FIT INTO THE STORY OF LIFE.
Pictures AT THEIR BEST DO NOT DO JUSTICE TO A NEW TYPE OF MOVIE THAT DOES NOT RELEY UPON PLOT EXCEPT AS MADE UP SECOND TO SECOND WITH A CONSUMER INDUCED WITH merge BIO TECH .
MOST OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE
ARE NOT PLOT DRIVEN EXCEPT CONCERNING TIME ...AND THE NATURAL WAY TIME UNFOLDS.
IF ONE WENT TO THE THEATER AND WATCHED 2 PEOPLE ON THE STAGE DOING NOTHING WHATSOEVER BUT SIT THERE ON STAGE ..THE PLAY WOULD STILL HAVE A BEGINNING .A MIDDLE AND AN END
THINK OF THE TERM "YOUR FINEST HOUR' DUMBO
AND WHAT A SHAME IT IS THAT ONE'S 'FINEST MOMENTS" ARE OF SUCH BREVITY
an hour?
just an hour ?
WHAT PEOPLE WANT CONCERNING IMBUE IS THE SUSPENSION OF TIME
FOR NOW Oh Pioneer!
THE HEIGHTS OF EMOTION AND JOY ARE LIMITED
BY SPIKES IN NEURAL FIRINGS AS REACTIONS TO STIMULI
THAT THE BRAIN
FOR WHATEVER REASON
CANNOT SUSTAIN
and as if to prove it to me
this unsustainability
my mood
my HZs tumble
PURPLE FLOWERS
AU GRAUTIN
TENDANCY
I call her.
I have written of her before..
I am not doing well...with the Mandlers..
I am not the same as I was even 2 or three months ago..
I am being worn down...and do not know what to believe..
The day is up and down literally
I sleep and awaken
more details of that kitchen are revealed -as if somehow my memory of what happened to my real mother was shot from several different angles.
"it was ,' SHE says over the phone..
"it shot from several different angles by Parasol Pictures. They said they needed a kid ..to play "the kid' whose mother is murdered in front of him.
they suggested I use my own..
I didn't know
it was a test.a "Would she or wouldn't she " expose HER own child to something so violent
I might have had a different life
you might have as well
if I said I won't do it..
but I did..
I was an actress
it was what I saw myself as back than moreso than a mother .You were only 2 and a half
and back than what I would have done anything for a part..
which is why I got in so deep with Parasol Pictures to begin with
I didn't know
how deep
I didn't know
I didn't know that after that scene
where the man in the mask slashed the MOTHER's throat in front of THE BABY
they would take you away from me
and not allow me to see you anymore.
to them
and maybe you and I are the only ones who really know who 'Them" is
decided -in advance I am sure .
any MOTHER who would actually let her child
seem to experience
seem to watch
his own MOTHER being murdered
should not and must not be near children
Only later did I find out morality had nothing to do with it
and the things they would do to you and others like you next
were much worse ..
I thought it was just a movie
we were filming..
I didn't really stop and think what effect it might have on you .I assumed I would just stand up ...afterward..
and hug you..
I didn't know that the very fact I choose to film the scene
meant to 'Them" meant I was ill equipped to
be anywhere near a child..
I had a choice ..right before they took you ..right after they said cut
I could have stood up and showed you it was only make believe
but the man in the mask
said
stay
stay
stay
and so I stayed on the linoleum ..in a pool of fake blood.
wondering why you were being lifted out of the high chair so tenderly
wondering WHY I didn't get up to show you it was all just a movie
why I was listening to the actor in the mask say 'stay ,stay, stay
he was saying it in such a way...that seemed so soothing and at the same time forceful...no it wasn't forceful it was KNOWINGLY..
like there was something else going on here..
Maybe they were right..that my choosing to allow that scene to be filmed in front of you
was proof of something in me
that
maybe they hoped would also be inside you"
I had never heard her like this...and at first I was glad when her tone changed away from this display of self regret and hurt I do not recall her showing anyone
Her tone changed as if she knew I would rather hear her
buttressed up
and goading and cold
the change in her tone was so immediate that in a beat all that she had said before was as if erased
" what I would be thinking NOW though BUDDY BOY O'Mine
is what your Mandlers might think .
of what type of person who might chose to write about
certain incidents .'
"what type of person ?'I ask
"What type of monster" She said
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