i was not mentally ill
that -was the gist- of the entire - for lack of better words- operation
to warehouse a man for a decade or more in a paradigm of- non existence.......
to see how this person functioned first on a host of treatments -to make him absolutely dependent on others and understand the effects of chemicals on a man with no history (nor his family ) of mental illness
it began as I once remarked one night during my sophomore year of college (Temple University)
when what i suppose they call a panic attack came over me one night
that i did not realize was caused by microwave weapons
the feeling did not pass the next morning nor subsequent days
in time I dropped out of college and took my place in The Long Now.

I have no proof of any of this - i now suspect it however
because of details about the years prior to this
that i am still unable to speak about
-I do not know anymore what i am trying to document..
-I only want justice I realize I shall never get

on many occasions i have tried writing of this directly as it happened but feel i cannot
furthermore the truth in a way is more bizarre then fiction
family members- one in particular- were involved with "Change Agent" types
that had begun meddling in our lives
- none of this -just happened..

I need it to end
all I feel is screwed out of a life taken away for testing that means nothing to me
I do not think I will ever be able to pick up any pieces and move forward-nor do I think i can live
with this KNOWING more and more how methodical it was- longitudinally
to make a person Non Person - more year after year