(whhhat thehhhhhell do Iiii care whhhhat you thinkkkk I graph back!!!!...wanting to hit my head ..like crazy folks do on tv to show that they're crazy)
and that I am just plain shifty..
and know I was only allowed to write about this in a certain way
how the hell am I shifty..I graph back
how THE FFFFF*ck!!! can MANDLERS! dare interface anyone they tricked into getting "app-ed" that THEY are shifty!!I yell with my mind
which I don't often do
cause mind to mind interfacing like that..is kinda LIKE TEXTING IN ALL CAPS!!!
and naturally causes your Mandler to respond "in kind"
I feel too dumb for this today or too jumped up for this...
not in the mood to stop and consider all that I learned about the technicalities and etiquette of Mind to Mind Remote Imbue-ing
some days ..some weeks in fact ..you just want to think like you used to...
I go down stairs cause...sometimes the best you can do
is just ...switch gears...and be with other people
never mind you know you are" being social" because your Mandlers need to "see ----how " it works...
with entirely different kinds of real life /real time triggers setting you on and off
different ...sets of signals for them to tinker with and study and all-
walking slow down ,
down
down
the steps all the while I am mumbling to myself ... out loud..like a mental patient
like a cartoon version of mental patient
they have made me a cartoooon I think .starting to get angry
.
muttering .." interfacing upon a man's temporal lobes visions and words and ideas and emotions and emoji all day and night! and than I back track .,I rewind...thinking or talking aloud to myself..I just don't even care no more...
I never said I was autistic only the drs did...
.and I can care less what anybody thinks to me..
and thinks upon me..
it is un -natural...to be augmented in this way.."
'you alright Dumbo?" XXXX says
'yes ,'I am fine I say thinking to myself and thus Proxy Cyber
they are hurting me with it..
they expected to see some results...
but all they see and glean from me is themselves ...interfacing to a man who refuses to
"you can't be doing that Dumbo.."XXXXX says ,meaning the so called "talking to myself"
XXXX is wearing his Neuronautic's uniform...the one that if you didn't know any better makes him look like a Naval officer
and it's kinda' in one's best interest to
not think this at all..Evan reminds me
XXXXX can see I am interfacing ...and rolls his eyes..saying
"how can I love you if you let it show?...how can I want to fuck around with someone ..who insists on making a spectacle of himself like this"
"I don't think a guy miumbling to himself with one person around is exactly making A specktacle ....out of anything...I don't think that's really the definition of spectacle-ing one self..trust me I'd rather be yelling this all up and down the street...man..I don't care any more.."
"Obviously..."XXXX says,"and OBVIOUSLY that's why they are tightening the screws on you"
"you can't be doing what you are doing Dumbo.."XXXXX says "you have to respect the situation.."
I am supposed to respect it...but I do not respond to their symbols..like I used to with the same fear ..only rage...
their little skull faces..
their warnings that they can and will upload my neural reads into a gruesome hologram that must walk the earth for a billion years !
or some genuine guinea pig
than a fly
than a carp
than a slug
to make me pay ..even after death
they will keep my captured soul... in some kind of cage..in a new kinda' zoo they have warned me if I do not "get with the program'
and stop my attacks upon them
a man is not meant to think that far ahead..
a man cannot help but pray to a genuine G-d..
who will make sure my soul is not kept in some cage.
"you're trancing out again..I'm here.,I'm here.." XXXX says snapping his fingers in front of me ."you looked so scared.."he said
for some reason I think he's fucking with me,mocking me..I want him to take off his uniform..He 's moving up in the "group' and I'm just "some THING they app-ed"
I'm not even really human ...
not anymore..
why only in these past weeks ....has it really sunk in...
that their lies about me becoming superhuman were only to placate me...
while they took more and more out of me and put more and more of themselves in me...
more and more rage...
more and more apathy
"what do you fuckin know about anything ...huh...?' I say real mean...which is stupid cause only came downstairs to sort of be with XXXX...cause only XXXX and a few others ..know this is really happening
XXXX takes a little note out of his back pack from a box with our address on it..our address is in big block letters...
"I didn't want to show you this but at the Annex they called me on it"
"called you on what?"I ask
mixing myself a Strawberry Quik..trying to ignore Evan graph "that a decent man might ask XXXX is he as well would..
'You want any fucking Strawberry Quik XXXX?" I ask XXXX
"well...now that you asked so nicely.."he says coming over and rubbing my shoulders.."Man what have you been thinking to them?.."
for the past 3 days XXXX has been in and out of the house..I barely see him..I 've been popping benzos like mad and seroquels...
and worst of all typing
"I started changing the story"I say
'it isn't really YOUR story to change ," XXXX says suddenly taking his hands away.
XXXX opens the box with our address on it and takes out this strange little doll with a tiny card tied to it's neck
I know XXXX has read the card and opened the box..
I look at the box ..wanting to see me name on it so I have a reason to get angry at XXXX for screwing with my stuff..
reading my mail...but it doesn't have a name on it ...but it does have my name on the tag around the strange looking raggedy doll's tiny neck which I grab out of XXXX's hand
limb for limb jim
and underneath the words
limb for limb jim
is a very medical looking charting
of blue and red and green and yellow lines
and in one place almost all the lines but the green lines go up like a "v":
right where the spike is written in pencil is the words
funny bone Feb 15th... 3:07pm..
odd how you don't recall actual pain.I start thinking
isn't it? I start thinking...probably because ,as my Mandlers have explained...THIS is how DUMBO
deals with stress.
by INTELLECTUALIZING his way OUT of THINGS that NEED to BE ADRESSED
nnnnnnnnnnnnnnot studied
my Mandlers call this kind of thinking JEW-IE thinking
I try to stop my quote unquote Jewie thinking and focus on XXXX who has taken on the job.
which was
"my job' of making the Strawberry Quik.
I try to stop my "Jewie intellectualizing self referential thought style and deal with the facts as they are
concerning a voodoo type doll .and what I know are my brain signals
at 3:07pm feb 15
when I hit my funny bone on the book case.
I mean you like remember ...feeling said ...and happy...and can even kind" go there'in your memory..
I remember feb 15 th only cause it was the day after valentine's day
and I was taking down this heart thing xxxx put on the ceiling for a party..
and banged my funny bone on the book case..
it hurt so much the pain that I began ripping book after book out of the ikea book case
cursing the makers of all books on earth and all ikea products...
Liam saw me .or heard me throwing the books ..and asked what was wrong..
I came down from the ladder and started picking up the books ..
sorta being all pissed with liam seeing me "beat up books"
when it wasn't even the books fault but the damn book case's fault for hurting my funny bone to begin with
I look at the words limb for limb jim
and all I can think is FFFinally they stopped calling me dumbo!
than I feel this horrible pain go through my funny bone
and hear evan graph like wolfman jack,practically screeching the words "rreeeeemix .."
I know I didn't hit my elbow on anything and try hiding the pain from XXXX
I go into the other room real fast ...than into the bathroom where I run my elbow under cold water..
"you OK ?" XXXX asks when I return
and I take the voodoo doll thing and look at it real hard
voodoo doll type thing ..that looks kinda' like me
out of his backpack..it's one arm is ripped off...and one of it's legs...
I look at the doll faces..and it's hair..which is not quite like mine but kind of goes up into a kinda ' triangle like thing..on top...styled..I touch the voodoo doll hair and see indeed some kind of gel or glue has style the hair into a point-ie like thing on top...without thinking I run my hand through my hair..
"do you think I should get my hair cut like that?" I ask.
'I really don't think that's why they sent the doll..Jinbo" XXXX says .
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