Denny pace notebook one

may 18 2011 when someone is a little ...and being abused at "home" one goes crazy either the right way or the wrong way
the right way is to escape from the abuse by going away from yourself
the wrong way is to stay inside yourself
I became interested in magic when i was young
I had magic sets and would practice and practice
card tricks ...and intricate 9 step things you do with a scarf in one hand and a ping ball in the other.
in between step one and nine the ping pong ball has to move from your one hand to the other

those sets they used to sell. had everything included...mainly instructions
and
even a plastic black magic top hat..that was not meant to be put on your head but keep all the pieces of string and scarves and all that in.
it was very disappointing. The results
and also the contents of these magic kits.
this was not at all the kind of magic I needed to learn

.i wanted nothing more than to be a magician and i wasnt very good at it.
there way too many directions to follow in the box that the plastic magic hat came in.too many diagrams ...
this was not about true magical events taking place.
true magical events do not come from diagrams
but from
induced fear ..
some families
and groups around these families know this
all the way back and back to their history
..there were relatives of yours who for instance were driven out of town with fiery sticks and stones
or hung in trees
and much much worse
why?
because odd little occurrences
would happen around these people that were un -natural
and people noticed this kind of stuff even more back than
when there was no tv or radio or things to do but be in tight little communities.
in tight little communities
people saw everything ...even the unseen things like
the emanations
the spirits...the electromagnetic hum
maybe this is why old paintings sometimes are filled with scary things
did it ever occur to you that there are
groups who know all about magical things that have nothing to do with
card tricks?
and that they purposely made the world all a diversion to keep a very very low ceiling on how people think toward the emanations
but some families
if they are in some groups
force you to think through the low ceiling
the low ceiling
in your bedroom
you go beyond and above
when the man goes on top of you
and does things to you
when you are 4 years old or even younger
...before you can think in words
is the rule
so
you have to leave your physical body when he is on you
or you die.
or go crazy
the wrong way ..like I mentioned
certain kids go through this..
because -
that's the only reason some kids were born at all.
to be magical.
(2)
people put something in me.like they said they would long ago
so I wouldn't need to talk at all
but just think.
and not just that.
I would be thought to
and
see and hear things
that would have have nothing to do with the crossing over the ceiling
they use Merge to kill people
brought up
the way I was.
because I was not supposed to talk about it
Merge is not magic
it is the opposite of magic
it takes away all magicallness
like tv takes away
all the stories and color and movement all of us has in us
my foster parents hated TV
because they knew what tv would be when I got to be this age.
and they knew because I was odd
I would be tagged with merge
to be watched and studied from the inside out

.the magic I needed came from the hate my foster mother sent to me with her eye and hands
her hate was like a wand ...
a golden wand that made me hurt so much I left my body and went somewhere far away

in this way it was her who made me a real magician
.

I know she wanted me to feel how much she hated me...
but somehow I knew I was too little to be hated like that.

and I knew somehow she knew this too.
she knew
I knew something about her I shouldn't have and this made her hate me more.

only later before she died did she tell me she was acting
that she was
an actress
who had to prepare me to fight THEM
...years from than
she told me everytime she saw me she hated me for real because she knew about the man who came at night
to do things to me to make me
what she called disambiguate
so the Merge couldn't take me.
the man was a horrible horrible man
but there was no other way she told me
she told me to never ever forgive her,
and to hate her with enough hate so that one day
she would maybe be allowed
in peace.
in heaven
the man liked what he did to small boys
she said
and that was why the man was chosen
and that I had to try and try and try to only think of "it"
the way I would a foreign long ancient poem about baywolves ..and canter berries
that would make me groggy and confused.

before she died she gave me books of illustrated stage sets of the earl king
i also became interested in ufos when i was little.
there used to be many many tv shows about ufos.
real shows..about real ufos. and
and genuine phenomenon of all kind that had nothing at all to do with anything at all on the face of the earth
.i got book after book out of the elementary school library and knew all about the different shapes and sizes of ufos .cigar shaped spacecraft seemed to be the ones seen the most .it was all i would think about.and all i would talk about at school

people seemed concerned about all this talking...and made me see a special counselor
who let me do magic tricks for her
and tried making me say what was going on at my house which I never did...because
I knew they'd know I told on them.
and It would get even worse

even not knowing what crazy meant ..I somehow knew ..don't tell anyone you go
above the ceiling to a second ceiling or someone would do things to make you stop ..

.i had what they called night terrors\
.i was afraid of inanimate objects on walls.because they weren't inanimate..
they moved

I somehow knew these things on the walls though were put there..
only for this reason

i was scared of fire most of all
.i had dreams of burning alive
.my foster mother had fears too.
she told me
of tvs exploding and of getting lost driving
.these fears also became mine.but it was different i wanted to protect her from her fears.i wanted to be fearless for her.i wanted her more than me to never ever be afraid.
we had visiting day every second weekend with my real mother
it was like opposite land over there..no hitting ,no hating
she treated me like a king and listened to everything I said and bought me things and things.than I came back
.my foster mom hated me being happy and said I was happy only because my real mother who didn't want me bought me toys from and all she could ever give was short time smiles and short time "fake love" she said

I learned how to pretend I hated going to see her ...

.even when i was so young
I knew somehow not to ever show happiness.at the foster home
if I smiled or laughed gloria would give me a look.sometimes saying i looked stupid and ugly laughing and smiling.
I knew I could never tell my mom.anything about any of it.
because if I did they might kill her.