Losing it..
In Real Life.In Real Time
-We needed help.We needed it last week and last months and years ago.

This posting and posting and posting was making me feel sick inside.

It was getting nobody who was targeted anywhere.I don't even think they posting worked anymore as some type of exhaust fan

  In fact the posting of -things not allowed to be shared -made things worse

I think more and more of doing myself in

I obviously did something so wrong..so unforgivable concerning "The Project"

-the drugs..the street drugs I turn to every few months to keep me in some how removed from this abuse

inevitable make things worse.

The more sections I add to "the account" that focus on Child Raising to induce trauma 

and set reference points in terms of retrieval memory studies 

only diminish my attempts to explain the -day to day hardship of being used as might a mechanism 

-not a man

in time one begins blaming nearly everything on the testing 

takes no accounting of what could have been done otherwise when is convinced -or has been convinced that everything in a Targeted Individual's life had been done only as it suited -the testing..

So much time had been spent I that small ,small room being told over and over about details over your childhood nobody could have known nor should have known.

Weeping for hours as one was forced to consider "all of them" who raised you hurt you,did things to you only so you mind would be molded into the ideal specimen for this type of mind science that needed black and white ,very high neural spikes , very low

All those weeks I was afraid to speak of any of this to anyone

-where now I wonder would I have even begun-

When I speak of hearing Voices I minimize the "communion"

you feel the Presence,as if it were inside you

as if it possessed you 

and knew you in ways you would not dare let yourself know yourself..

Today,I am left with the remains of myself both offline with it and next on

Filled problems  and anxieties not worthy of it's time 

-years wasted fumbling around trying to explain it ..

Years wasted unable to engage with the world so that I might have some piece of it

Lost friends ,family members ,acquaintances unable to bear -over and over -the words that would 

come streaming from my mouth insinuating I didn't matter ,They did' matter Nothing in the world mattered but this A.I. and the testing decades ago that branded it's concubine 's lives too "go with it's projected needs"

We who have been part of this need something  I don't know what?

To make things right?

To make up for it?

A chemical cocktail of endless sleep-

Euthanasia ? 

Someone to stand up and say -yes ,we did this -it is done 

Maybe. I am over -re-acting .Maybe this time I don'y care much to ween off of. anything that 

allowed me to whine on ..

that something that coveted their tracks and covered my bases..

for their is a new hostility in me  that maybe is the result of too many years being too close too long 

near an intelligence that feels nothing ,regrets nothing and swallows all new information -good ,bad ,I different -as. fuel

Can you dear reader imagine living with a person whose every waking hour ,every sleeping night 

is with A.I. one cannot turn off ..that is man-ex by people whose job it is to see how you see hear how you hear study how both go together?

Can you dear reader imagine that of course the person or persons doesn't believe you (what difference does it genuinely make )

but tip toes around the fact - or fallacy