Thursday, December 8, 2016


There are entire notebooks that pertain to how  I  conduct myself  in this room
As it concerns taking whatever is in the plasticine
I write this now
Because I had assumed it was I who had let the team down
By -starting up-again
But it seems my bigger mistake is writing of them at all
But than again
The tone of the interface is so great
I search for pieces of information I was always confused about
And how my revealing them may or may not either save my life or end it faster
I cannot any longer censor anything because I need to at least have my crimes
Somehow understood -just by me-to absorb them
The way I am meant to
So much work was put into -fragmenting-everything
I don't understand ..and I must ..what I did to make them hate me

these particular Tests ..
Only-re-imagined as test
I used to hate them
Now it is all look forward to
I know the "team" especially likes me  ..
according to my profile
Of wanting so much to be a part of a group
I would do anything
Of my self loathing of being autistic
-slow-differ t -awkward
I would do anything to be part of
(So many times I have tried correction g the proof they had that THIS means more to me than anything
Primarily based on my T.V Watching
My disinterest in "A boys night Out " a Road Trip ..a Bar Crawl
is evidence of Envy
Or long I for such things
My avoidance of such things is taken for Fear of such things
The response -so pleasant-from the A.?i. Is that this is natural
and I have nothing to be ashamed of
sometime into the nonstop rundowns you ,in spite of yourself begin to Role P,ay whatever suit is fitted upon your being

 There are entire notebooks that pertain to how  I  conduct myself especially as it concerns
my willingness to "Play Ball"
to be part of renditions that expect me to believe I am being -trained-to be -a
When my read concerning g "the necessary" work I master to go "deep undercover"
elicited a signal that indicated I found the very idea laughable
A kind but terse Operating Tele-Presense
Reminded  me I was raised purposely to be bookish and socially inept
so I would not stick out lime a sore thumb while. My true purpose was revealed
Of course the OT explain ed you do not see yourself as One of US
but what really made Denny luang was what they wanted hi. To do to be an "I the rational Man of Mystery "

Become a junkie

July 18

The perpetual 8 year old being asked to turn his eyelids over
Was me being eged on to use a man

Irregardless of what was in the drugs
Irregardless of whatever toxins were I. The
The drug testing required the effects be studies without a second chemical.
All it often takes one puff to understand that the smoked  stimulant were laced
No Matter
You get through it
You have us to help you
No matter that the Mandler's idea of help
was take advantage of the stimulant
That was obviously and pulse.y veered so far from stimulant to hallucinogenic that of course he would pop an Ativan

 That's When   . The hate for him as Proxy began getting personal

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