little tommy walker
little tommywalker never meant to grow up
I wake up to
the pitch High
all based on some ATand T Ma Bell tone tests done in the late 40's on some kids in some orphanage
in chatthootchie ..
just to see what the kids what turn into
TONES all day all through the night
probably something nobody bothered following up on
''''seeing what pitch and tone most made the kid feel small..
so much of this sh8t was tosses up in smoke
subproject a to z
sometimes wonder if that Watergate sh*(t was to just get the cameras OFF the billows of
thick black smoke
of subproject this and that on kids, mental pateints.ex girlfriends, whores..
spreading over Washington like Washington was Bergen-Belsen
i wake up so dumb from junk I take -to take this-the endless sound ...the vision is more subtle..I did something wrong..wrong in such a big way that I can sense ..the imbue I am getting is live feed..and that's bad..because live feed means no buffers..they 're going bare back inside you...
in gay talk
that's like f*cking some one with out a condom
fuckin' some one up the ass.
you like in a porn movie and they spend an hour making you clean clean clean
is messy business
going mind to mind
on someone without buffer
is f*ckin some guy or gal up the ass
without not douche ...soap...or nothing but a bit of spit
mind to min d interface is all about making you aware of the spit in your mouth
snot up your nose
you know your Mandler finds it sickening
but it's really more about making you
feel sick about yourself
one jelly donut style
this is all one jelly donut
this New World
they're making that all I want is out of it
as you can see..
by the way I am writing about ti now
I truly just want
6ft under man
the thought of "just' being brought in for "hateness"
to a loony bin so some sput nick's
Ruffian types can "play"
their 'Cool Daddy Cool ..sally go round the poses shit"
in the ward.
set up to be some EASY bAKe oven
you're gonna have one alpha male..
younger than you
one alpha gal
younger than you
to begin with
Two "guards/ men in white slacks " who are 'all over the guy"
to set the scene
the girl plays a larger role than the male in the Mental Hospital rundown
as she's supposed to "bring up" ticky tacky in you concerning
of foster mum number 3 or 4
the young man ..handsome..always "smilin' thru"
the Irish Rogue - Happy Wanderer
who just happens to every now and than "go too far" with his "sprotinglife
and ends up "in the spin bin"
HE respesents 'the guy"
THE REAL GUY'S GUY u just wish you were..
and on and on..
been through these run downs enough to have the damn ACTION READY SET GO
all in my head
ahead of time
I m not taking this
I am getting this
is the problem
in a way
defies any normal description
it would take explaining how I was raised
apart from being raised on silent sound
it would being writing about being raised by my foster parents
behave a certain way toward me
the theories of Gary Rainy
concerning the mind
a scratch board
that could be
and with just the right
or abuse doled out at just the right time
not only with silent sound
but the silent sound one must create in one's mind
to stay vaguely alive is the word
when I had so few words in my head
that's the word I would use
sanity wasn't in my
my "driver's manual"
nor in the air of the several "Homes" I was moved in and out of
it wasn't supposed to be .
that wasn't part of "The Program"
I've talked to a lot of kids raised by foster parents
none of us had it god
but as far as I know
or knew until later
none of the kids raised in various foster families
only for testing
this was long ago
the cold war still meant something
(not sure if it does now...does it?)
I am not sure nor ever have been what means anything
except whatever sh*t is going through my head at any given time
I didn't realize
that silent sound
wasn't so much about sound going
right past one's ears and into one's noggin
as much as it was about the ideas in these words
the first time ..I heard the words
not my own
begin a test -
was when I was in the first grade
I recalled other "incidents"
prior to this
and this room
where things "just moved around" on a wall
that looked like no tv I had ever seen
it was a mural
a complicated one
and than it was about a terrifying movie-
a drive in
but the movie also played
in the windows.
not square...but you know like
how car windows were.
it was in a lot ..
like a real drive in movie
but the lot in retrospect was Parasol Picture's
doing these odd tests I guess they had to do
for the cold war.
coldly on kids..
one more thing
a very horrible thing
...I won't write yet
I am almost sure I was not able to talk yet when it happened
why do I know this?
because I got in trouble a lot in school
and everyone always asked
why you like this why you like this
what's going on what's going on
and I am sure I never said
or probably even drew it
like the movies show ..or tvs show that kids do..and some nice teacher picks up the drawing and sees like you being smoldered under this baby sitter's boyfriend first with his body than with a plastic dry cleaner bag...