puppy

EVAN

fills up my senses

I do not quite "hear "
my
Muse.
My Mentor
my "mandler"

but I shiver
in my shoes
as the tone of
our
Co -conscious "merge"
is one of
weariness
and
wrath

I have heard..seen ,felt and dream-ed
         mutual dreamscapes
            concerning
                   what might happen to
Proxy
who
veer away from the Ward
            away from the "lord" of my "case"

the trial of being on trial
         is taking it's toll

always a heavy smoker
I now
literally keen over from the heaviness
of
it

my lungs feel suited now only for the deep sea.
so much
mucus and muckity muck

but I must smoke
    for
      one of my sponsors
          has
            purchased
               me for
                   such
                      services
                          he cares only about himself...not my lungs..
                              which he feels as his when we are Merged







                                            I am tempted to call a dealer...but the deal is
i can only
get high
when a
Sponser
"a date'
a "trick"
has paid
for
the service

He feels the coke ,the Diesel ,,,the speed....but does not have to be in my head
in the morning

he feels the high
but takes the headset off
before
  "MY" unMerged crash



EVAN makes me taste
exactly what carrots peas and corn taste like all mushed up when you chew them

if the sense were not over ride
and real I would spit it out
he knows from some childhood recollection I once had to sit at the dining room table like 2 hours cuz I hated
the vegetables so much

this was before the days of like cooking vegetables...and like what's it called

"BROCCOLI Rabe"                                                                         and shit like that
EVAN imparts


I think and begin thinking if my "parental surrogates"
would have
like cooked
real vegetables ...
not out of a can
if someone had taught them "THIS IS -THE WAY"-
EVAN
scccurns
   my
     erratic thinking...
        that are of no use to Merge
EVAN requests I turn on the TV if I am "to think Meandering Mutterings"

so at least Merge can glean some
REACTIVES from my
Beta Waves in response to

broadcast

i see a man in a terry cloth shirt
while poking the buttons of my remote
an old TV show

my mind goes back to the 1970's and the furniture in our family room

fearing
a Q and A of Interface concerning my
tendency to focus not on people but rooms and decor and colors
when I remember
my past
instead of people
I quickly
summon up a member of the family so EVAN and my Mentors don't dwell on the notion that I am

regressing to
sociopathic or autistic states of interface

to my mandlers and the New Way
autism and sociopathology are
one and the same
which to them is the same thing

Tru Christie
my other mentor
....says I might have everyone else fooled with this Asperger's shit but he knows a sociopath when he
neutrally reads them

pppperdy damn socioppppathic to
read and over ride another's mind's i cannot help but think and therefore interface...

EVAN tells me to focus focus .focus
on the" hear "-and now
EVANsend me pictograms he knows I respond to kindly
I glean from his mind to mind
he often "edits" out
"touchy" subject matter
from
a "reel"

I sense other less compassionate "Manders" edit out
much
content
that
"sets up" content
....
I have a feelings some of Tru's Provocation is to elicit
disturbing imagery and thoughts..
he wants me
Put away somewhere"
preferably
somewhere
    off the map ...
        in a box
            under at least 4 feet of .....

I SHOULDN'T BE HEARING THIS-EVAN Imparts
and gleans that
"
 I can't let myself think mean stuff about Tru Christie much less
graph" to my team"
 confidential conversations between other Mandler's not On-link

CONVERSSSATIONS! I think ...these are not conversation .....this is not my choice
you stole me
you took me
you put that
nano shit in my arm
this ain't a conversation...this is me thinking and you listening...and than chiming in
and than --

{I realize I have been tricked....he knows I am typing..posting
or as Tru Christie
graphs." writing in your diary
like some little girl
does ..

Oh someone help me ...
oh dear

oh dear..
I have been fitted with biosensors
and my "team"
wants me to
slash my wrists cuz
I don't "dig the awesome ness of this THAT anyone with
a thicker skin would fucking Die for.

 .tricked.
with confusion
...
post discredits previous post..they know I sound "mad"

and madder }

THE ONLY WAY TO FLY
Evan graphs
without
being shot down

yes yes yes ..I think
recalling an old Flintstones cartoon....when fred and barney are hypnotized

they like me thinking in "tv"
that thinking in REFERENTIAL is STANDARDIZING and  thus SAFE for Brain to brain Interface

u really are getting better at this O Urban Astronaut. EVAN Impart
graphing my hypo campus a Tele-Essense of a snort of coke

 the image of THAT apartment comes back
but this time the door is opened
and all kinds of friendly people are
in the hall with dogs

I am not allowed to have a dog
cuz they  graphed all they'd hear all day long is me thinking in baby voices
to the dog..

"what about a boyfriend?" EVAN says...

I assume they have the guy picked out...some social worker type
who fits my type..

they do that ya know
set up little
obstacles and rewards

"i'll find my own boyfriend...,"I think .knowing that's not how it works..

those people
in that apartment...
with the dogs
they really gonna be that nice?