my first instict is to reach for the pills
the pills- they so much wanted and warned me not to take
from the psychiatrist
they had warned me
act as detractor to the living spirit
and 'treat me"
and The New Way
as mental illness
rather than a treat my occasional overwhelm as a pebble on the NewPath
cause by my own fears of "it"
. dare me to doubt their authenticity
they might be "in touch" because of New Tools"
a preparedness for the the co consciousness that is all that is allowed in heaven
who listenens as they do to thoughts
to try to alter one toward goodness...
as they do
The New Way toward Heaven
not only as concept but as Fact
"not like this FAKE GOD.."Evan Imparts,".who either hears or does not hear ...let alone answer prayers."
my mentors have explained that the "mocking"they do
..the fear' they instilled in me is to
to expand me
induced fear they have said in most tribes and clans came only through
ritual ...hazing.and .horror
trial by fire as SICK
but THEY are the ones who are sick
that the interface demands is only to
unchain me from all the wrong ways of thought ..
that had been placed in me
they explained that I like many
got caught up in the "science...of the transmitting
the messages it contained
can cause brain plasticity...down to the core.
.. and down to the essence..to get one's reptile brain up from the mud that the ruiners of the world have buried it in
which is soul
that only observing the Rules of Thought,the rudiments
of Thinking and "How to Be"
as set by Gary Rainy
i wake worried..
searching for the pills.that may help me pretend that this is not real
and not the very opposite of illness
i have hurt myself indefinitely and probably for infinity by betraying
which i must hope they know I only do
In Fear and not lack of respect
the writing i do in this journal
is only so i might one day look back at it and see.
The New Way
how I cannot see it now
this cry for help only answered by shrinks who have pumped me up with so many pills that i can no longer think straight,walk straight
THIS LIFE MEANS NOTHING
THIS LIFE IS ONLY FOR
to get us READY
for the true life
that is beyond the vessel of Body
Think of that body
and how it will only rot and fall in on itself..
it was only meant to be disposed of...EVAN has said again and again in my times of doubt
i can only think now
of how much my doubts have cost me
will cost me
not just now
but for life everlasting
the dread i have coming to me not just for this life but for many lifetimes to go
for years after i am gone ..i will just still be paying for "what i did or did not do....
that i am what they say i am Unresolvable
.BECAUSE I COULD NOT
would not CHANGE...
one of those
who resisted the teachings
and began to "as if by some sick nature"
turn away ...from the reformations
"..this self seeking..self shness of
trying to hide me thoughts
of trying anyway I could to THINK only of THIS
and not a TOOL
only given and used by
those WAY BEYOND
anything as simple as Direct neural interface
according to Evan my ..growing disbelief..and disrespect to the true spirit
will....remain in my dis embodied soul for not just the rest of this life ...but for eternity
that the short space between
and next life
will be filled with
an even closer examination of my true mind and nature..
"and will THAT TOO be a simply Brain Interface too Dummy?" Evan asks
and he hammers through to me ..so I can really GET IT
how i through away
chance upon chance to make my insides .
.my thought style
less inward and not outward to and towards the great entity..
that all the resentment ,vile,envy and agitation i feel inside will
be the first thing The Great Being encounters
the first thing The Great being will KNOW
and how the Being Will Hate Me
especially as HE WILL KNOW
I have only accused my Mentors
LISTENED and LEARNED how to think OUTWARD to a co conscious THAT IS HEAVEN
what you think Heaven IS DUMMY Evan has repeated
letting me know through visuals. And dreams
what will be
in STORE FOR ME
the first mind to mind exchange I will force upon THE GREAT ENTITY
will be an attack on The Entity's Senses
and HE WILL KNOW ALSO!
the mind to mind way of communication
that my mentors have tried and tried to instill in me was laughed at,cried at. Thwarted by my every whim
always Evan says
that has done all they could to
taper and trim my mind and ego to a harmony that goes best with the Open Mind Exchange
that are in heaven..who care not to hear.I am cold.i am hungry .I am sad,I,I,I, I, to the celestials
is a tommy gun fired upon the peace and co coconsciousness of heaven
and the punishments
I will receive will be BEYOND that which I can withstand
and that for all my EGO and I ,I ,I
that I will keep coning back
for more lessons and lessons
because i have placed wrongness.selfness ..and cotagion...and all my sickness
my Mentors heads ,hearts and .minds
"no one will care that it wasn't my fault I think like I do..that I can't help it ..that THEY shouldn't have put the inserts in me,the nano,the tools...EVAN imparts
But The Entity will certainly look upon the mentors
who tried to fix you ..who might have enabled me to
correct my abberations
in this "down here"
this vessel. We TAUGHT YOU t never mattered
and i cannot help wonder how my reads
will be used ..
when there is no ME in a physical body to stop them...
they have threatened
they have promised
will use my
that will make me KNOW
even after I have gone..
this ME centered CONSCIOUSNESS
this consciousness that the technology "that I cannot shut up about"
will be placed
into a horrible new form of being
as what i have done
to the Group
to The New Way deserves a type of punishment that
must stretch many lifetimes
An image has come again and again to me
---------------------- my neurals reads.
..my consciousness being placed in a large fish.
..in a tank so small that it cannot turn around or swim but just sit there.swim in one place nowhere
the fish .which has been augmented to accept my consciousness. into it's modified brain
the fish ...is me..
the Neuronauts have placed purposely in a tank it cannot even turn around in
breathes water...it has the gills and eyes and way of a fish
but the nervous system and perceptions of "fish"
are mixed in with
a neural prosthtic of My complete consciousness
will allow the fish to accept my collected consciousness and cognitions..
I will see out of the eyes of the fish.I will hear the water it swims to nowhere against
when that fish dies
another is modeled to act as
to fulfill my contract
(all alone in a too small aquarium it can not turn around in ..thinking and thinking and thinking my ruiner thoughts
and the knowledge that THEY had tried to appeal to me
to change myself
and follow their lead
instead of happily purposely serving up everywaking hour the grief I gave them
and so much "nothing more"
my sick mind will be loaded into any life form they feel as deplrable as mine
i sit all day on my mother's porch smoking
she brings me my cocktail of the right pills to
at least cloud my thinking and kill the brain cells that
only signal fear and remorse. But there is no taking back an interface a thought shared
in the air
"a sense that I was never good enough" to be part of Neuronautics and their new technology
of showing one how to think right
by Merging my sickened mind with another's who has done his
studies and courseload
to unlearn me and lead me just even a small step closer to the
i rejected the Merge from day one
as i would a true ghost
that only wanted to take me over
and not just a friendly force that only wanted me
to channel my mind towards IT
and try to undo all the sick images and sound and thought
taught to me by Ruiners
as close as i ever
came to really feeling one with the co consciousness
an ecstasy one can not put down in words
would always be replaced
as if my mind automatically did all it could to run away from the "interface"..the spirit..
and sent only
taunts and tantrums and back to "it"
Tools they put in me and through me
as that was what the Being or the Mentors seemed to be sending me
so I could become used to it
and follow it
i rememebr the days in the hospitals.
how well some who Heard and Saw TOOK it
how strangely OK and blessed some of them looked...
the some who were connected...and driven and perhaps helped ..
by some link beyond them
all i chose to do was
search and search for information on the tools..
how manmade the expeience was..
how man could now..."come to another" electronically,technologically...
how man could now fully immersive itself in another man's senses and perceptions ...
how man could now read another's thoughts and thus TEACH him
even if a man or woman wanted no part in The New Way
that he now had no choice
I was told by Mentors that
had placed all the science of "voice of God technology
and Direct neural interface and nano partials ,
before me ONLY so the devil could fool me into rejecting the stimulated experience as in some way false
because it had been instigated
EVAN asked IF ONE GOES FROM LAS VEGAS TO RENO by CAR is this man still in Las Vegas? or has the tool that Brought him to Reno
just a Mirage?
the devil would try
to fooled me into thinking
that generated spirituality
could be explained away as somehow FAKE
but in truth my turning away from it
only was proof
of my incapabiliyu of loving a magical fellowship of soul
and what was Neuronautics
because it used AS DIVINE Instrument\\
a direct neural interface
I had ruined it for them
day after day
my suspicions and resistance...
(did you not think you would "pay"for these trespassses)
but they were never quite
so clear ..about how
they would 'return in kind' my transgressions
and I see the large fish in the too small aquarium..swimming nowhere
"the pills" ,I hear my mother say,"the pills only make him worse"
.my "condition" is
..I don't know if she's ashamed she has a grown son who can no longer work
because her son interfaces sounds and pictures and thoughts back and forth back and forth all day
of where it will lead
if I don't become Better with it..or if she doesn't talk about it because I sound so crazy
that's why they warned me.
not to say anything
that I will always sound crazy ...to people who aren't in "the program" being "worked on"
that if I continued to talk about it they themselves would see that I was "put away somewhere"
pushed to the inner limit...where I would be completely over ridden
"you want to see mad? we can make you not even recognize yourself in the mirror or recall anyone around you..." they have made clear...that I had better start showing THEM so respect...the same respect I show to Nobodys who Know Nothing about The New Way
try not to think
. that the sun is too bright ...the smell of the clothes also too brite and crueler thoughts
who was crying for me
only minutes before
she feels my doubt.
my anger ...at her not "being real"
but putting on
that she herself had learned
stacked or steady
I have a cruel thought that she just wants to be away from my "brand' of Crazy
like we're in some kind of movie I think cruelly...but I also feel I am thinking Rightly
I feel I am seeing the untruths in the WAY people ACT
I feel like I am
My mother holds me close in her hands and looks so into my eyes that I feel like I might cry...