Saturday, May 31, 2014

COLE year 2 DAY 63

i wake up terrified
my first instict is to reach for the pills
the pills- they so much wanted and warned me not to take
from the psychiatrist
they had warned me
would only
act as detractor to the living spirit
and 'treat me"
and  The New Way
as mental illness
rather than a treat my occasional  overwhelm as a  pebble
on the NewPath
cause by my own fears of "it"

my mentors.

. dare me to doubt their authenticity
as spiritual
as celestial

 they might be "in touch" because of New  Tools"

a preparedness for the the co consciousness that is all that is allowed in heaven

the entity
the power
the realm
the Being

who listenens as they do to thoughts

speaks back
to try to alter one  toward goodness...

as they do

Neuronautics IS
The New Way toward Heaven
 not only as concept but as Fact

"not like this FAKE GOD.."Evan Imparts,".who either hears or does not hear ...let alone answer prayers."

my mentors have  explained that the "mocking"they do

 ..the fear' they instilled in me is to
to expand me

induced fear they  have said in most tribes and clans came only through

 ritual ...hazing.and .horror

domesticated man
trial by fire as SICK
but THEY are the ones who are sick

the chain
that the interface demands is only to
unchain me from all the wrong ways of thought ..

that had been placed in me

they explained that I like many
got caught up in the "science...of the transmitting
rather than
the messages it contained

only fear
can cause brain  plasticity...down to the core.
.. and down to the get one's reptile brain up from the mud that the ruiners of the world have buried it in

the essense

   which is soul

that only observing the Rules of Thought,the rudiments
of Thinking and "How to Be"

as set by Gary Rainy

i wake worried..

searching for the pills.that may help me pretend that this is not real
some illness
and not the very opposite of illness


I worry

i have hurt myself indefinitely and probably for infinity by betraying
my mentors

which i must hope they know I only do
In Fear and not lack of respect
the writing i do in this journal
is only so i might one day look back at it and see.

The New Way
how I cannot see it now


this cry for help only answered by shrinks who have pumped me up with so many pills that i can no longer think straight,walk straight

to get us READY
for the true life
that is beyond the vessel of Body

Think of that body
and how it will only rot and fall in on itself..
it was only meant to be disposed of...EVAN has said  again and again in my times of doubt

i can only think now
of how much my doubts have cost me
will cost me
not just now
but for life everlasting
the dread i have coming to me not just for this life but for many lifetimes to go

for years after i am gone ..i will just still be paying for "what i did or did not do....

that i am what they say i am Unresolvable
would not CHANGE...

one of those

who resisted the teachings

and began to "as if by some sick nature"

turn away ...from the reformations

"..this self seeking..self shness of
trying to hide me thoughts
of trying anyway I could to THINK only of THIS
as technology
and not a TOOL
only given and used by
anything as simple as Direct neural interface

according to Evan my ..growing disbelief..and disrespect to the true spirit

will....remain in my dis embodied soul for not just the rest of this life ...but for eternity

that the short  space between

my death
and next life
 will be filled with

an even closer examination of my true mind and nature..
"and will THAT TOO be a simply Brain Interface too Dummy?" Evan asks

and he hammers through to me I can really GET IT
 how i through away
chance upon chance to make my insides .
.my thought style
less inward and not outward to and towards  the great entity..

that all the resentment ,vile,envy and agitation i feel inside will
be the first thing The Great Being encounters
the first thing The Great being will KNOW
and how the Being Will Hate Me
especially as HE WILL KNOW
I have only accused my Mentors
and never
LISTENED and LEARNED how to think OUTWARD to a co conscious THAT IS HEAVEN
what you think Heaven IS DUMMY Evan has repeated
and repeated
letting me know through visuals. And dreams
what will be

the first mind to mind exchange I will force upon THE GREAT ENTITY
will be an attack on The Entity's Senses

the mind to mind way of communication

that my mentors have tried and tried to instill in me was laughed at,cried at. Thwarted by my every whim
always Evan says
spiritual aid
and guidance
that has done all they could to
taper and trim my mind and ego to a  harmony that goes best with the Open Mind Exchange
in preparation
for the
that are in heaven..who care not to hear.I am cold.i am hungry .I am sad,I,I,I, I, to the celestials
is a tommy gun fired upon the peace and co coconsciousness of heaven
and the punishments
I will receive will be BEYOND that which I can withstand

and that for all my EGO and I ,I ,I

that I will keep coning back

for more lessons and lessons
because i have placed wrongness.selfness ..and cotagion...and  all my sickness


my Mentors heads ,hearts and .minds

"no one will care that it wasn't my fault I think like I do..that I can't help it ..that THEY shouldn't have put the inserts in me,the nano,the tools...EVAN imparts

But The Entity will certainly look upon  the mentors

who tried to fix you  ..who might have  enabled me to

correct my abberations

in  this "down here"
 this  vessel. We TAUGHT YOU t never mattered

                                    and i cannot help wonder how my reads

                            will be used ..

                  when there is no ME in a physical body to stop them...

they have threatened
they have promised
the Group
will use my

 waking consciousness

that will make me KNOW

even after I have gone..
this ME centered CONSCIOUSNESS
this consciousness that the technology "that I cannot shut up about"
will be placed
into a horrible new form of being

as what i have done
 to the Group
to The New Way deserves a type of punishment that
must stretch many lifetimes

An image has come again and again to me

in dreams

---------------------- my neurals reads.
          consciousness being placed in a large fish. a tank so small that it cannot turn around or swim but just sit there.swim in one place nowhere

the fish .which has been augmented to accept my consciousness. into it's modified brain

the fish me..

the fish

the Neuronauts have placed purposely in a tank it cannot even turn around in

breathes has the gills and eyes and way of a fish
but the nervous system and perceptions of "fish"

are mixed in with

a neural prosthtic of My complete consciousness
 will allow the  fish  to accept my collected consciousness and cognitions..
I will see out of the eyes of the fish.I will hear the water it swims to nowhere against

when that fish dies

another is modeled to act as


to fulfill my contract

(all alone in a too small aquarium it can not turn around in ..thinking and thinking and thinking my ruiner thoughts

and the knowledge that THEY had tried to appeal to me
 to change myself
and follow their lead

instead of happily purposely serving up everywaking hour    the grief I gave them
and so much "nothing more"

my sick mind will be loaded into any life form they feel as deplrable as mine

i sit all day on my mother's porch smoking
             she brings me my cocktail of the right pills to

                     at least cloud my thinking and kill the brain cells that

             only signal fear and remorse. But there is no taking back an interface a thought shared
                    in the air

"a sense that I was never good enough" to be part of Neuronautics and their new technology

of showing one how to think right

by Merging my sickened mind with another's who has done his
studies and courseload
to try
 and try
 to unlearn me and lead me  just even a small step closer to the


                                               i rejected the Merge from day one

                      treated it

                  as i would a true ghost

that only wanted to take me over

and not just a friendly force that only wanted me

to channel my mind towards IT
and share

and try to undo all the sick images and sound and thought
taught to me by Ruiners


as close as i ever

came to really feeling one with the co consciousness
an ecstasy one can not put down in words
would always be replaced

self  mindedness
 as if my mind automatically  did all it could to run away from the "interface"..the spirit..

and sent only

taunts and tantrums and  back to "it"
via the
Tools they put in me and through me

as that was what the Being or the Mentors seemed to be sending me

but only
so I could become used to it
and follow it

i rememebr the days in the hospitals.

how well some who Heard and Saw TOOK it

how strangely OK and blessed some of them looked...

the some who were connected...and driven and perhaps helped ..

by some link beyond them

all i chose to do was

search and search for information on the tools..
to prove
how manmade the expeience was..

how man could now..."come to another" electronically,technologically...

how man could now fully immersive itself in  another man's senses and perceptions ...
how man could now read another's thoughts and thus TEACH him
less sick

Furious that
even if a man or woman wanted no part in The New Way
that he now had no choice

I was told by Mentors that

"the devil"

 had placed all the science of "voice of God technology

and Direct neural interface and nano partials  ,

before me ONLY so the devil could fool me into rejecting the stimulated experience as in some way false
because it had been instigated

EVAN asked IF ONE GOES FROM LAS VEGAS TO RENO by CAR is this man still in Las Vegas? or has the tool that Brought him to Reno
just a Mirage?

the devil would try

to  fooled me  into thinking

that generated spirituality

could be explained away as somehow FAKE

but in truth my turning away from it
only was proof
of my  incapabiliyu  of loving a magical fellowship of soul

and what was Neuronautics
because  it used AS DIVINE Instrument\\
 a  direct neural interface

I had ruined it for them

day after day

my suspicions and resistance...

(did you not think you would "pay"for these trespassses)

but they were never quite

so clear ..about how

they would 'return in kind' my transgressions

and I see the large fish in the too small aquarium..swimming nowhere

"the pills" ,I hear my mother say,"the pills only make him worse"

i am on the other side of the wall.

my mother is on the landline,to whom I don't know..
.my "condition" is

a secret one she tries not to talk about

..I don't know if she's ashamed she has a grown son who can no longer work

because her son interfaces sounds and pictures and  thoughts back and forth back and forth all day

all night
or scared like i am
of where it will lead
if I don't become Better with it..or if she doesn't talk about it because I sound so crazy
that's why they warned me.
not to say anything
that I will always sound crazy people who aren't in "the program" being "worked on"
that if I continued to talk about it they themselves would see that I was "put away somewhere"
pushed to the inner limit...where I would be completely over ridden
"you want to see mad? we can make you not even recognize yourself in the mirror or recall anyone around you..." they have made clear...that I had better start showing THEM so respect...the same respect I show to Nobodys who Know Nothing about The New Way
this is the house I grew up in
as a kid I remember hiding behind this same wall
when I wanted to hear what the grown ups were talking about
i am behind the wall
back in my mother's house because ...I can no longer live alone
as i "live now with THEM"
and at any moment I might think the wrong thing
and be served up with so much vitrol and hate that i will
smash something
or slash something...
i may as well be 5 years old...talking ,interacting with some imaginary friend..
none of this is imaginary ..and i don't consider my Mentors friends as much as Guides
I hear my Mother crying,on the landline to whom ever she is speaking to
"maybe they DID put something in HIM..
I don't know anymore.."she is saying
i lean my head in seeing my mother slipping down the wall if she has no spine..
seeing her like this
and knowing it's about me...i want to run back upstairs..
but instead i come out from my hiding place
I notice that i scare her
i should have knocked the wall or made some sound with my slippers.
I feel so bad for her...for I know
what it's like to be scared of 'things' or sounds that just appear as if from nowhere
i want to put my arm around her.but I know that THEY will also

feel my mother's shoulder
i also can predict and rightly so the modulated voice

that is responding in kind to my thoughts
sentimentality ..
how dare YOU -put that OUT THERE..
how dare you PUT OUT THERE ithat you have any genuine feelings whatsoever...
you have none for us..
who you are
i automatically begin rethinking the emotion i thought I had towards my mother
and cannot help but
wonder if it was
a "feeling I thought I should have" and not a genuine one..
the team in LA told me never to go back here again...
but to "be a man" and stay there...doing whatever
needed to be done
for Neuronautics and my own evolution
I know by now how my eyes look
when I am "hearing...listening,interfacing"
io know my eyes look "gone"
I try to close them.
so my mother will not see an emptyness in them that she might
think is meant for her..
it is just
conditioning...I want to say..
it is just how it is...
to grow through 'this part"
but this part doesn't seem to lead to any next part..
gone...and I feel my mother's hand touch my face.
I flinch.
I am no longer used to being touched ..or stimulated
by anyone but" them"
my mother cuffs her hand toward the phone ...and guides my eyes to the set table.
I see a sandwhich with it's crusts cut off.
I am in my 40's
I am in mu old house ,my old kitchen.
I smell and hear the clothes spinning in the dryer.
i am a man in my 40's hearing and seeing things
nobody else can
smelling Tide getting ready to sit down
and have a sandwhich with my mother
who is on the phone trying not to cry over me
my mother is afraid of me and afraid for me.
the sound of the TV is on..The View .The Chew..,The whatever
the whatever is on that i try to focuis on
so THEY cAN LISTEN TO anything besides my feelings
but it doesn't work that way
not at this point
the sun is shining too bright
i want the sun to go down fast like in winter
the days are too long
too long to constantly hear
and see
whatever THET want me to see ,hear, taste...
2 days ago My mother asked me
out of nowhere
"do the voices they ever say they love you
if they did i wouldn't tell her..
putting it that way...
asking straight out like that
makes it all seem so suddenly sad
in the beginning they played games...and yes i first believed they loved me ..that they were there only to
love and nourish me...
and teach me to be better...
I had taken the course at the annex in the first place because I was lonely in LA
and was looking for something .someone to fix me
my mother when i was very young was in neuronautics...
and she said for a time it helped her.
now she goes to AA..
I didn't tell her i had begun taking some courses at the annex...
i knew she had left the group ...because she
had a falling out with her mentors or whatever they were called back than
i no longer speak about hearing and seeing things
i talk about how i don't like this type of cran apple juice
to try to make normal conversation...
i try not to think. wrong

try not to think
. that the sun is too bright ...the smell of the clothes also too brite and crueler thoughts

my mother
who was crying for me
only minutes before
is sitting across from me
smiling too brite.

she feels my doubt.
my anger her not "being real"
but putting on
the Lies
that she herself had learned
from Ruiners
she gets up .
and moves around the kitchen as if trying to do straighten  anything and every thing that is not
stacked or steady

I have a cruel thought that she just wants to be away from my "brand' of Crazy
 my far away eyes
she tells me
she has found the name of a psychotherapist
who specializes in post traumatic streess and she pauses..
cult deprogramming,
Neuronautics isn't a cult " I snap,"but a practice..and just because I am not doing IT right doesn't make THEM makes me Bad.."
"not doing what right" she says coming too close to me..holding my face in her hands crying again.looking for me
in my eyes....
like we're in some kind of movie I think cruelly...but I also feel I am thinking Rightly
 I feel I am seeing the untruths in the WAY people ACT
I feel like I am
a Reader.
a Knower.
My mother holds me close in her hands and looks so into my eyes that I feel like I might cry...

WHAT!WHAT are you not doing RIGHT,,,"she says it again louder as if using my eyes and ears as a telephone to THEM..
WHAT is HE NOT DOING right!My mother screams in my ears and eyes as if I am not there and she expects THEM
to suddenly appearand explain themselves
as if she had apps and could see and hear like I do
for a moment I feel bad for her that she is not one of us
i think toward my mentors that they were right that
"this woman"
is nothing but a supressor
a ruiner
"I don't think right is all"I say..."they are trying the best they can to fix me ...I am going back to LA ...I don't think i can be here anymore.

No comments:

Post a Comment