owned

this morning i was watching several birds around a bird feeder.
it was a nice sight to see.
but then i wasn't satisfied and wanted the birds to "do" something..
to either move faster..
or do something somehow to entertain me more..
i kept watching
the birds.
and my thought was
'this isn't working'
i am not being either moved ,improved or retuned by this scene

i am thinking like them
i felt like apologizing to the birds

my mediator
graphs a
visual over lay to me of slow clapping hands
which signifies
nobody at "Home base'
where my thoughts are transmitted    really cares about my
observations on life
that it's bad enough that i paint...my ugly outlook on life..
which they state is
PROOF
and

not art
but how a
 "sicko"like myself likes and wants to spread their "diseased" mind to others
my writing as well ..
screams
deviant and demented..
in my
defense i realize that a blog is not quite 'the way' i wanted to present my situation..
i am simply too
disoriented and disarmed to attempt
something as
difficult as publishing
besides i am not writing this for ...

"what ARE you writing THis for .."Valerie graphs...
"when we specifically forbade it..?
why .you bitch ..I try to censor my thoughts...this woman is terrifying
why because you
are torturing me...and I have every right to SCREAM.write ...wave my arms ...kick scream..

"has it ever occurred to you that we might have lightened up on you..if you ceased and desisted.."

it had occurred to me..
but than it occurred to me
the sheer intrusion
was the main crime
and it was something that one got worse at not better


could i have done something to make it easier for them to read me?
sure
sure SURE
i could have completely erased my past..my moods
my-desires
and fears

but than again if i erased my fears
they woulda had nothing tp play with..
their main job.it seems
that
they had basically destroyed me...my mind
and my prospects
and I really had little else I could do to attempt to re
my self..
besides who would believe it/

for a time they forbade me from painting at all
or it would be nonstop
interface and fear inducing 'overlays and

genuine physical pain via this wave shit ...
i know it sounds bonky ..but once your 'apped" you're owned
they speak to you..they read you..
they hate you
they hate you
sick
needs like showering and shaving and pissing
they hate when you look in the mirror or
eat too loud..they hate your sexual needs..
they hate ...
humanity
unless it is their
idea of what human ness means
they call themselves Transhumanists
but there is very little they seem to understand about
the ins and outs of a person just trying to get through 24 hours in a day

they do not like "runway thinking" or adhd..or obsessive thinking or worrying...
they expected this to be something.
impossible
they expected something
some way a movie my present
un buffered direct neural interface
that shit movie The Host ..i came upon
the film where some chick seems to bespeaking   to some alter personality..she looks nuts speaking to this 'entity' that has taken over her bod..
i watched the film "her" and
was like..
what the fuck
this isn't direct neural interface...why'd the director cop out
of a real ..problematic..
to explain this..
without  some
"universal" cultural reference ...is nearly impossible..
one has to go back to Natalie wood "brainstorm' ...or cronenberg's scanners...for fuck's sake..
i am without a
paddle here..