Saturday, September 27, 2014

head of glass

 
 2005

the unbelievable
almost
 magical qualities
of mind reading
technology

that could be done

without
chips
as
an x-ray for example

does not

need chips

nor an MRI
to scan

you

when most of us think of
brain signals being monitored
we think of
a xmas tree of electrodes
being bound to our skull
and these electrodes

providing
a series of squiggly lines

we find it "far out and crazy " to consider
that some
genius somewhere has not

attempted to
and succeeded at
creating software of some kind
to
convert  brain signals into
sentences

nor do we consider that
many companies and organizations developing this type of  tech
did not want the public
considering the implications of mind reading
mind transcription
advanced technology
 until
every aspect of it's use  has been
studied
perfected
and segued into the system

and  new legislation considered
 based upon new tools  that enabled another to
transcribe another's recorded brain signals into language surmised

a society with access to scanning technology
that  interprets one's inner ruminations
presumably would benefit
various fields to create a safer society
as
 ill intent which often can 
"hide 'behind
the mask of verbal and body language
 is often
 "mastered" by
criminals and sociopaths
well versed in concealed
countenance

If  and when brain signal acquisition and transcription apparatus
is
blended into our system of surveillance
many legal and also ethical quandaries
previously based  upon --"he said/she said"
in a court of law

would be replaced by "he thought/she thought"

there will be " no shadow of a doubt "with
brain signal deciphering technology
-B.Naden ,ProxyCybernetics

BCI Conference



1214

The individuals who participated in the first Inquisition 800 years ago kept detailed records of their activities. Vast archival collections at the Vatican, in France and in Spain contain accounts of torture victims' cries, descriptions of funeral pyres and even meticulous financial records about the price of torture equipment.
"[There are] expense accounts [for things] like how much did the rope cost to tie the hands of the person you burnt at the stake," says writer Cullen Murphy. "The people who were doing interrogations were meticulous."
Murphy's new book God's Jury: The Inquisition and the Making of the Modern World traces the history of the Inquisitions — there were several — and draws parallels between some of the interrogation techniques used in previous centuries with the ones used today.
"A few years ago, the intelligence agencies had some transcripts released ... of interrogations that were done at Guantanamo, and the interrogations done by the Inquisition were surprisingly similar and just as detailed, virtually verbatim."
Eight-hundred years ago, the first Inquisition was initially designed to deal with an upsurge in heretical activity from the Cathars in France. .
"The papacy was trying to centralize itself and assert its authority," says Murphy. "So the pope basically deputizes various clerics. ... They would come to a town, announce that they were there. They would begin to question people. Sometimes they would use harsh methods. ... They would conduct tribunals and they would sentence people to various punishments."

 

 A key challenge for cognitive neuroscience is determining how mental representations map onto patterns of neural activity. Recently, researchers have started to address this question by applying sophisticated pattern-classification algorithms to distributed (multi-voxel) patterns of functional MRI data, with the goal of decoding the information that is represented in the subject's brain at a particular point in time. This multi-voxel pattern analysis (MVPA) approach has led to several impressive feats of mind reading. More importantly, MVPA methods constitute a useful new tool for advancing our understanding of neural information processing. We review how researchers are using MVPA methods to characterize neural coding and information processing in domains ranging from visual perception to memory search.
 
 
WHAT IS A PSYCHOPATH?
Psychopathy  is a personality disorder that has been variously characterized by shallow emotions (including reduced fear, a lack of empathy, and stress tolerance), cold-heartedness, egocentricity, superficial charm, manipulation, irresponsibility, impulsivity, criminality, antisocial behavior, a lack of remorse, and a parasitic lifestyle.

 

While no psychiatric or psychological organization has sanctioned a diagnosis of 'psychopathy' itself, assessments of psychopathy are widely used in criminal justice settings in some nations and may have important consequences for individuals.
Many people confuse autism and sociopatholgy because they know people with both conditions have trouble interacting and empathizing with others, and because they see the terms “antisocial” and “lacking empathy” applied to both groups. However, the social problems of autistic people and those of sociopaths are not just different but almost opposite.
 
WHAT IS AN AUTISTIC?
 People may see a person’s autistic behavior and mistake that person for a sociopath, falsely believing that someone who may be extremely moral and principled is actually dangerous and lacking a sound conscience.
 
While many laypeople use the term “antisocial” to apply to people who are introverted and uncomfortable interacting with large numbers of people, mental health professionals use it very differently. When a psychologist or psychiatrist diagnoses someone with antisocial personality disorder, they mean that the person exhibits “a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others” (DSM-IV), which typically involves criminal acts, chronic lying, physically assaulting others, disregard for others’ safety and needs, and lack of remorse for one’s actions. Sadly, laypeople may read professional descriptions of antisocial personality disorder and conclude that the people they think of as “antisocial”—who may be autistic or just ordinary introverts—are capable of the terrible deeds associated with antisocial personality disorder.
Descriptions of both autistic and sociopathic people as “lacking empathy” also contribute to popular confusion between autism and sociopathology. Most discussion about empathy among laypeople, and some even among mental health professionals, fails to distinguish between emotional empathy and cognitive empathy. Emotional empathy, which is what most people mean by “empathy”, involves an emotional, sympathetic response to another’s feelings in which one feels some of the emotion the other person feels.
Autism spectrum disorders involve impaired cognitive empathy and, in most cases, average to heightened emotional empathy. People with ASDs often do not show the appropriate emotions in response to another person’s feelings
Others, however, usually do not realize why autistic people do not display the usual signs of an emotionally empathic response. They may not realize that the autistic person is far more deeply affected by the situation than he or she appears to be, or would be deeply affected if he or she understood the other person’s experience. In contrast, sociopatholgy involves impaired emotional empathy and, typically, average to heightened cognitive empathy. As a result, sociopaths understand what others are thinking, can readily manipulate them, and are often superficially charming, whereas the reverse is usually true of people on the autism spectrum.


 

Friday, September 26, 2014

the correction of Peter Langly (1964)/ ultra man

\


3/23/64

my anxiety was with me
.in me
before
I had any  name to give it

..it was a dr. who gave me a word for IT
this THING

anxiety disorder

even having a word
for it

made me feel
some kind of
hope



it was with me
even before I could speak
a fear

a worry about
everything

my thoughts raced to
worst possible
consequences
so much that I
tried my best to
have no consequences

I lived as if I all of me was
brittle glass

my parents
of course knew
"I was delicate"

my father with drew

I was not a son
he
foresaw

my mother
having a certain
degree
of
push away
and a heightened sense of
what also could have been anxiety

with drew as well
maybe seeing too much of me in herself

the rules of a home
and the parts of a home
members of a family
make there own

saved my sanity

school however was
a trauma
I dared not explain to anyone
there was
no
"place"
to breathe
to
panic
to scream



I had done my best to work and live around but soon my life became working around this" it"
that had no name

I don't know if it was a fear of people..or situations ...outside my control..my room
my house

I watched in awe as boys my age
mingled and played and rough housed.
How they "hung out"
went to parties,games ,movies.

it wasn't that I was afraid of THEM...or of bullies or aggressive girls
Every day waking life
to me
with or without people
seemed aggressive

I believed I was losing my mind
I had seen movies
about men and women
who
lose their senses
terrible movies

I assumed my adult life would be one
of madness

I felt that my panic attacks and fears when I was not "safe" in a situation and placed
I was familiar with
were the epitome of insanity

in Hygiene class we saw photos of mad men and women
in waxen poses
I found myself going to the library and sneaking these books out of the bins
  • the amygdala reacts to an anxiety provocation in a subject with an anxiety disorder. Imaging techniques reveal disturbed CNS networks in subjects with schizophrenia, and pronounced structural aberrations in the lateral and medial parts of the temporal and frontal lobe. Untreated depression has been shown to cause cerebral shrinkingA patient with hypothyroidism or hyperthyroidism or hyperparathyroidism usually has anxious or depressive symptoms. Patients with acute intermittent porphyria may become psychotic, and are always anxious.
  • Premenstrual dysphoria is an intermittent cluster of symptoms among which irritability and dysphoria are the most disturbing
  • demetia praecox psychosis was a reaction to a cold family environment that produced a false "id," for example the case of the schizophrenogenic mother.

hiding it
was more difficult than dealing with the panic

 I felt people could it  see it  in me
I would spend hours in front of the mirror

looking

for
it
the madness

which I knew would
eventually lead me to ...
lead me to/ I did not know what

those terms
those books
the description of co-morbid velocity three types of psychopaths. Aggressive psychopaths were violent,Passive and inadequate psychopaths were over-sensitive, unstable and hypochondriacal. They were also introverts (schizoid) and pathological liars.
all things social
triggered it..i don't know where it came from
it was always there.
I remember this odd sense of apprehension
from as far back
as my
early childhood

the nice psychiatrist called Peter's parents
and explained that their son was having a mental breakdown
and had to be treated preferably in a hospital
the nice psychiatrist explained that he was "on staff" at Edgemont Institute and thusly-
could both observe their son and also administer a treatment plan to cure Peter

the nice dr. did not seek affiliation with Edgemont Institute's experimental studies..
in fact  the nice dr. was unaware of Edgemont's "progressive methods" of corrective Behavioral Psychiatry.
Edgemont had come to the nice dr's office to ask him if  he would or could be motivated to contribute his expertise  and time  for "greater good"trials in exchange for a substantial fee.
The affiliates of Edgemont Institute
explained that all the dr had to do was fill a monthly quota-
hand picking patients to be placed in the institution...
preferably patients that functioned quite well in spite of their neurosis
in their day to day lives


    Peter would not ask his parents to allow him to seek help from a psychiatrist
    so peter secretly began saving money from the odd jobs he sought raking leaves in the fall. shoveling driveways in the winter. Mowing lawns spring and summer...


    Peter had saved  enough to
    attend sessions with a trained psychiatrist for a month or so
    he had done his homework
    on hourly rates
    he did not think he would be accepted by any Psychiatrist
    who might see him one or two times
    Nor did Peter think he could be helped
    with only
    preliminary visits

    Money saved

    Peter still could not make the call. Or calls,, to the various
    phone numbers of psychiatrists
    he had stolen from a phone book in the library..

    on his bike
    it had become something
    of a game...in his school bag he made a map of
    all the phone booths
    far enough away from his
    community
    that Peter would feel 'safe" placing a call

    Peter was aware "it made no sense" -that nobody really cared if they saw a 15 year old boy in a phone booth..
    Nor did it make any sense that peter had brought with him ,always, a handkerchief
    to muffle his voice
    when he "got far enough" without hanging up
    to begin to set up an appointment.

    Miraculously
    an appointment was made
    and attended

    Peter didn't know what to expect from the Psychiatrist.
    The only psychiatrists Peter had seen were on the tv or in movies
    Peter explained that his parents did not know he had seen a psychiatrist
    and explained
    his
    uneasiness in social situations
    and situations or places out of his control
    he explained that he knew it didn't make much sense
    and Peter confessed to the doctor he was afraid he might be losing his mind

    "oh no Peter" The Dr. said,the very fact you came her,on your own will with your own money
    proves you are a young man definitely
    in full capacity
    but we must tell your parent....Peter

    I can make the call..
    no reason
    for you to be under undue stress

    but for legal reasons
    I must speak with them
    so we can check you in
    (2)
    the nice psychiatrist called Peter's parents
    and explained that their son was having a mental breakdown
    and had to be treated preferably in a hospital
    the nice psychiatrist explained that he was "on staff" at Edgemont Institute and thusly-
    could both observe their son and also administer a treatment plan to cure Peter

    the nice dr. did not seek affiliation with Edgemont Institute's experimental studies..
    in fact  the nice dr. was unaware of Edgemont's "progressive methods" of corrective Behavioral Psychiatry.
    Edgemont had come to the nice dr's office to ask him if  he would or could be motivated to contribute his expertise  and time  for "greater good"trials in exchange for a substantial fee.
    The affiliates of Edgemont Institute
    explained that all the dr had to do was fill a monthly quota-
    hand picking patients to be placed in the institution...
    preferably patients that functioned quite well in spite of their neurosis
    in their day to day lives

    {according to many witnesses in the various Psychiatric hospitals warranted to conduct
    Mind Augment techniques on patients ,unaware of the hospitals or Drs. "progressive methods"most of the patient subjected to various tests were patients who prior to their "treatment" suffered from quite mild psychological or emotional conditions such as depression ,anxiety or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

     the American Journal of Psychiatry entitled "Psychic Driving," Dr. Cameron describes his techniques. Psychic driving was carried out in two stages.

    In the first stage, patients were depatterned, which meant reduced to a vegetable state through a combination of massive amounts of electroconvulsive shock, drug-induced sleep and sensory isolation. When fully depatterned, patients were incontinent of urine and feces, unable to feed themselves, and unable to state their name, location, or the date. P. 129
    In the second stage, psychic driving was introduced. This consisted of hundreds of hours of tape loops being played to the patient through earphones, special helmets, or speakers in the sensory isolation room. Dr. Cameron received a grant from Canada's Department of Health and Welfare for $57,750 for the years 1961 to 1964 for "A Study of Factors Which Promote or Retard Personality Change in Individuals Exposed to Prolonged Repetition of Verbal Signals." 

     

Donald Ewen Cameron ((1901-12-24)24 December 1901 – 8 September 1967(1967-09-08))[1] — known as D. Ewen Cameron or Ewen Cameron — was a Scottish-born psychiatrist involved in the Central Intelligence Agency's (CIA's) MKULTRA mind control program.[2] He served as President of the Canadian, American and World Psychiatric Associations, the American Psychopathological Association and the Society of Biological Psychiatry during the 1950s. Notwithstanding his high professional reputation, he has been criticized for his administration, without informed consent, of disproportionately-intense electroshock therapy and experimental drugs, including LSD, which rendered some patients permanently comatose.

 

Donald Ewen Cameron was born in Bridge of Allan, Scotland, the son of a Presbyterian minister. In 1925 he received his M.B.ChB. in psychological medicine from the University of Glasgow.
Cameron focused primarily on biological descriptive psychiatry and applied the British and European schools and models of the practice. Cameron followed these schools in demanding that mental disturbances are diseases and somatic in nature; all psychological illness would therefore be hardwired, a product of the body and the direct result of a patient's biological structure rather than caused by social environments. Characteristics were thus diagnosed as syndromes emerging from the brain. It is at this juncture that Cameron became interested with how he could effectively manipulate the brain to control and understand the processes of memory.[Cameron argued that it was necessary for behavioral scientists to act as the social planners of society, and that the United Nations could provide a conduit for implementing his ideas for applying psychiatric elements to global governance and politics.
Cameron started to distinguish populations between "the weak" and "the strong". Those with anxieties or insecurities and who had trouble with the state of the world were labeled as "the weak"; in Cameron's analysis, they could not cope with life and had to be isolated from society by "the strong". The mentally ill were thus labeled as not only sick, but also weak. Cameron further argued that "the weak" must not influence children. He promoted a philosophy where chaos could be prevented by removing the weak from society.

Social and intrapsychic behavior analysis[edit]

In the late 1940s and early 1950s, Cameron continued his work on memory and its relationship to aging. He published a book called Remembering . He furthered his diagnostic definitions of clinical states such as anxiety, depression and schizophrenia. In the various  hospitals Cameron worked in Cameron observed how the psychiatric patient resembled patients with other diseases that were not psychiatric in nature.
 In this manner, somatic causes could be compared. The behavior of a mental patient could resemble the behavior of a patient with, for example, syphilis, and then a somatic cause could be deduced for a psychological illness. Cameron titled this procedure "intrapsychic" (a term derived from the psycho-somatic relationship of hospital patients). Cameron wrote that mental illness was transmitted generationally; thus, the re-occurrence of mental illness could be stopped by remodeling and expanding existing concepts of marriage suitability, as well as the quarantine of mentally ill individuals from the general population. The only cure for mental illness, he theorized, was to eliminate its "carriers" from society altogether.
Cameron believed that mental illness was literally contagious - that if one came into contact with someone suffering from mental illness, one would begin to produce the symptoms of a mental disease.  Police, hospitals, government, and schools would need to use the correct psychiatric authority to stop mental contagions from spreading. Cameron also hoped to generate families capable of using authority and techniques to take measures against mental illness, which would later be apparent in Cameron's MKULTRA and MKDELTA experiments.

Although society had established sanctions against the spread of infectious diseases, Cameron wanted to extend the concept of contagion to chronic anxiety. He warned that people with mental illnesses could spread and transmit their diseases
Main article: Project MKUltra
Cameron is best known for his MKUltra-related and other behavior modification research for the CIA.[16] Cameron was President of the American Psychiatric Association in 1952–1953. He lived and worked in Albany, New York, and was involved in experiments in Canada for Project MKUltra, a CIA-directed mind control program which eventually led to the publication of the KUBARK Counterintelligence Interrogation manual.
Cameron had been hoping to correct schizophrenia by erasing existing memories and reprogramming the psyche. He commuted from Albany to Montreal every week to work at McGill's Allan Memorial Institute and was paid $69,000 from 1957 to 1964 to carry out MKUltra experiments there. In addition to LSD, Cameron experimented with various paralytic drugs and electroconvulsive therapy at thirty to forty times the normal power.[citation needed] His "driving" experiments consisted of putting a subject into a drug-induced coma for weeks at a time (up to three months in one case) while playing tape loops of noise or simple statements. Cameron's experiments were typically carried out on patients who had entered the institute for minor problems such as anxiety disorders and postpartum depression; many suffered permanent debilitation after these treatments.[17] Such consequences included incontinence, amnesia, forgetting how to talk, forgetting their parents, and thinking their interrogators were their parents.[18] His work was inspired and paralleled by the British psychiatrist William Sargant, who was also involved in the Intelligence Services and who experimented extensively on his patients without their consent, causing similar long-term damage.[19]
It was during this era that Cameron became known worldwide as the first chairman of the World Psychiatric Association as well as president of the American and Canadian psychiatric associations. Cameron had also been a member of the Nuremberg medical tribunal in 1946–1947.[20]
Naomi Klein states in her book The Shock Doctrine that Cameron's research and his contribution to MKUltra were not about mind control and brainwashing, but "to design a scientifically based system for extracting information from 'resistant sources.' In other words, torture."[21] She then cites Alfred W. McCoy: "Stripped of its bizarre excesses, Cameron's experiments, building upon Donald O. Hebb's earlier breakthrough, laid the scientific foundation for the CIA's two-stage psychological torture method."[22]

MKULTRA Subproject 68[edit]

MKULTRA Subproject 68 was one of Cameron's ongoing "attempts to establish lasting effects in a patient's behaviour" using a combination of particularly intensive electroshock, intensive repetition of prearranged verbal signals, partial sensory isolation, and repression of the driving period carried out by inducing continuous sleep for seven to ten days at the end of the treatment period. During research on sensory deprivation, Cameron used curare to immobilise his patients. After one test he noted: "Although the patient was prepared by both prolonged sensory isolation (35 days) and by repeated depatterning, and although she received 101 days of positive driving, no favourable results were obtained." Patients were regularly treated with hallucinogenic drugs, long periods in the "sleep room", and testing in the Radio Telemetry Laboratory, which was built under Cameron's direction. Here, patients were exposed to a range of RF and electromagnetic signals and monitored for changes in behaviour. It was later stated by staff members who had worked at the Institute during this time that not one patient sent to the Radio Telemetry Lab showed any signs of improvement afterwards.[23]

THE LAST DAYS OF COLE COHEN

i don't know if i do it

to fulfill expectations
based on
previous
evoked response

that have helped my team

definitively
scientifically

categorize me
as
ABERRANT

 because of this
it was explained
that

for the rest of my life

i will be remote neurally monitored

next week is yom kipper


this yom kipper i wil pray
that a TRUE G-D
 will NOT
write me .into THE BOOK OF LIFE

 i am not religious
i am not particular good'
but i know
a power
who makes up for all the physical pain and sufferin and misjustice

is just a wee bit more
awesome
than
this technology that's main intent is to

mathematically .didactically
create a living g-d

that watches knows and favors
only a certain
 type of
purity
of being thought and physiology
 .
the gr8 inquistion
this time will need no rack
but
only

a scan

oh.the terror

that allowed
for

such terro



the bci..is an endless personality test
.a friend sent me am obituary she had written..for she was not sure
if the woman she had wriiten the obit for..
the woman  now deseasded was in my frinedsd
had living relatives friendsr
they say
in"Sun Tsu's The Art of War"
"winning a battle" is all about deception
Deceiving one's enemy of "the state their troops are in"

Writing is often a
purposely deceptive act

one is trying to SAY something and not say a word at the same time

or "an author" might hope the sure "mass' of volumes might at least make a reader wonder..
WHY?
Why is this person so obsessed with such a strange subject?

 and why now
does the
tone shift to the obvious
presumed reason
someone has  shoved" chiparooonies" into your nervous system.

Because
to THEM
YOU
are the Enemy
and they have put you in a position
of
 war...

of Enemy.
(oh please dear reader overlook that  silly palm tree at the top of the blog's "layout" with it's implied "wireless" zeitgeist
wonky
presumptives..

I don't know how really to write about something really taking place ....that has been flea marketed off to some Hollywood franchise as
'all the more-"it's only a movie...."
the sheer proliferation of films about A.I. and BCI etc has served it's purpose to
immunize the greater population of NOT only it's very real implications but very real
implementation..

according to many involved in the German Resistance (non jewish citizens ,especially many in the clergy...
those who wanted to get the news of the Holocaust "out "in the press,out in the open were actively encouraged to not say 10,000 people were being gassed
but to -"say 100 people were being gassed a day at work camps...otherwise
these witnesses and resisters  were told
it
would NOT SEEM BELIEVABLE ..

I suppose to some extent I have slathered this erratic hysterical rant  around and about
Unbelievable Advance Technologies
 being used "in house' against dissidents ...or people "taken " (and I do mean taken )
as such

to attempt to use mediated  Unbelievably but Theoretically "conceivable"  themes and stories
(geared somewhat to also  entertainment a reader)
to try to convey
the Un Holy terror
of unseen induced Augmented Reality upon an innocent victim

to even USE this Cruel and so Very Unusual Punishment on
true enemies
is perverse when something as "humane" as a bullet or a bayonet might "do" the job
faster
...many people Targeted for either Testing or Torture with this bizarre technology
kill themselves...

the "point" of Psychotronic Torture
as with any form of torture is to
not painless or at least quickly end life
but to draw out suffering and pain either physical or psychological for as long as possible
to make the captured truly feel
their end is NOWHERE in SIGHT

Mind Justice - Cheryl Welsh's Rizal Review

mindjustice.org/bhutan_review_cherylwelsh.htm
by Cheryl Welsh, Director, Mindjustice.org December 2009 ... Moscow Times, July 11, 1995,


sometime I realize I only stay alive now to
fight"
the Progressive Types who "did this to me"
although one cannot say one does not grow addicted to
the "interface....I reckon One ALSO grows oddly (if not addicted) to
being engaged in war..
or
quite ,quite used to it after awhile
and there is a  rather odd rather appealing sense to knowing ..."i might not live another day"

my mind veers and swerves ..very much like this blog.
from the ridiculous to the "defined"
....
not surprisingly "The Art of War" is  used, still like a bible  by many corporations
who have come to see
 commerce
and control
as
"war"
There are many, many corporations "in a race " for the grayspace between your  ears ..
,
AND
what a pleasure it must be
for these corporations to get away with
barbaric methods of Human Testing because

stipulations and laws and legislation were
abridged or just plain
removed for those "lucky" enough to be "in"
The
Mind Augment Industry
as it goes (without saying?)
that
Non Lethal Neurotronics
are
now or very soon to be
the weapon of choice"
and the "new means of interrogation"
of suspicious persons
Billions and Billions of Dollars
is being spent upon A.I. ,BCI and Immersive Reality
NOT to Enhance Lives
but rather to destroy Lives


they say deception is how one wins a battles
how deceptive it is for corporations to still insist a brain Map and Brain Signal Trascribe
are for Stephan Hawking and or patients with "Locked -In Syndrome"

my writing is deliberately obtuse .
deceptive
purposely
cray cray
or heightened or "minimized " by my references for instance to
'oh this isn't really happening ...I am psychotic...or drug addict.. etc.."

(I must say becoming  BOTH
 is  to some extent a MUST
in any "modern Battlefield"
especially concerning
Psychotronic Non Lethals

they are killing me
with what is called a "Slow Kill" Technique...Imagine there even being a word like that -"Slow Kill"

My "Mentors"
who have ?successfully ?- made me literally a  human "drone'
both hate the fact that I write of it
which can only be properly described as
human experimentation
(I believe )
in spite of themselves (and there are no true RISKS for them.
some
"no one" writing about
what to me .if only to keep my sanity
seems "insane"

but I do sense They rather Enjoy me plodding along
like a bug tied to a string and thumb tack going round and round nowhere

as
example
of
"type of person deemed "non person " enough to be "app-ed"
to
it's obvious conclusion


in my case being an unreliable narrator
is my saving grace

for I truly have very little idea
what exactly they THINK of me documenting (albeit semi fictionally)
my unsolicited
"participation' in this
terrifying
'"not so new" form of torture




Monday, September 22, 2014

a safe "word" /safe interface "ruined ' by mid morning Grooming

Since Evan Rainy broke one of the Key Rules in Tele-Presence* Operating several weeks ago
by
using "our " Safe Sight
Occipital Character
which indicated the various vicarious-ities interfaced betwixt myself and my Mandler
would
segue into "more consumer" related "states of play"
by altering our "safe sight "representation
of Mind to Mind correspondence
(" The Great Gazoo "voiced by Harvey Corman ..and Evan's parlayed "version" of H.Corman
as the "little green Martian"that appeared in the later episodes of Hanna Barbara's "The Flintstones(1960-1966)
by growing altering the visage of his "sent visualization"
to one of a man with his face removed
as Evan
believed I was spending far too much time placing gel upon my hair..

The Mentor's of my Mandlers
decided
that Evan would now have to represent himself in periods of "play and R and D based on the rather "thoughtless "Mundan-ities (standing in line in a grocery store, for instance) that Immersive Reality
is supposed to "fill with fantasy and "private' diversion via mutual 5 Sense Interface

as a blueberry Mini Wheat

Evan is not happy about having to remain in this rather vapid
brain and grain..

and sometimes "breaks his Mini Wheat  purposely Innocuous "visage" to angrily
interface that IT IS MY FAULT for
having such a Neural Spike
to his helpful
Guidance of "enough with the hair gel"

I remind him through our interface that
it 's not my fuckin' fault "My Team" studies every fuckin thought and reaction I have to THIS MIND FUCK I never asked for..."

A Voice,not Evan Rainy's imparts
"hey I think WE ALL NEED a Time out..."

For the next hour or so I see and hear nothing but is right before my eyes and ears
and
cannot for long imagine how I lived
this way previously
to BCI nano

*Telepresence refers to a user interacting with another live, real place, and is distinct from virtual presence, where the user is given the impression of being in a simulated environment. Telepresence and virtual presence rely on similar user-interface equipment which continues to move from wearable computing to more discrete insertive means  ...The Perceptual and Cognitive Interaction can be done wirelessly and thus unperceivably as nanotechnology has all but done away with the dangers of previously invasive surgeries to add both transmitting and receiving biosensors to regions of the brain once inoperable for this New Form of Communication , the common feature that all of these Emergent technologies serve however is still based upon  relevant portions of the user's experience at some point in the process that are  transmitted as temporal and perceptual representations. The main functional difference is the entity on the other end: a real environment in the case of telepresence, vs. a computer in the case of immersive virtual reality.


Evan thinks to me how he "doesn't feel masculine"
having to ONLY Occipital Over lay Me his "Being" as a Blue berry Mini Wheat
and I remind him
I didn't feel too "masculine" standing infront of the mirror SEEING some STILL of "Hannibal"
of
whatshisname guy from sid and nancy
without a face

Evan Imparts ,"Hey,it got you away from the mirror- you vain little ponce"

what's a -Ponce? I graph
usually sure to get
a definition
from "Ground Control"
in what they call a "Pack" of "Knowing"

but I hear and sense nothing
"go draw some of your sicko pictures...." The Mini wheat says

so maybe you can get us some spending money...
you're putting on weight
the "story" is getting ODD
even for you
-Trust me I might be a Mini Wheat but
your format ain't exactly winning you any New Upgrades brother-

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Day 27 the set of "King Creole"

"Let's try it Adam this time  with your shirt on.
and a tie....

 pants too," Valerie Prentiss said to the actor.


INT- DAY-DANNY FISHER'S APT

                                                                      DANNY
                                                       (to camera)
                                        That little crystalline ship our old friend Clark Kent was placed into?
 
                                        You think the voices Clark heard and THINGS Clack SAW inside that
                                         vessel traveling all the way to earth were steeping the kid in a pot of tea..
                                        so Clark Kent would be prepared for the new world ...equipped with
                                        a tea party persona?
 
 NO WAY
 
...this super man was steeped in Primal Terror
                                        in that guided vessel.
..so this "chick" inside  would be hatched in full survival mode
 
 
so HE would BE Beyond Human...
 
All through history Tribes have  placed their children deliberately in harm's way  to MAKE them immune to Horror.
For instance those that practice Voodoo...now, that kind of magic and Beyond-dom- sure as heck wasn't "born " from any" Whose -it's" ponderances at Waldon's Pond...
 
 No sir...those that practice Voodoo or any kind of true magic or Psychic Perception had to be mentored toward such Outward Inwards...
 
 
"Marvelous ,,,marvoooooo-lous ,,,"Valerie said to Adam Parker , clapping her hands ,
 
 
"Did we get all that ? ," Valerie asked the cinematographer and boom operator  on the closed set
 
yes, the two men  nodded ,yes .
Yes.
the dream is someone else's
the dream is not though from a Mentor
nor a Tele-Presence

but it is "interfaced" somehow  directed .
to me
toward me

a child.
a child who does not have words for his fear.
I try to REACH
to REACH outside my mind ...
outside my body-
Like I HAD to
when THEY
did "things"to me


I try to tell the child ...itwillbeoversoonenough ..itwillbeoversoonenough
and that the things being done
ARE NOT REAL
but I know
I know
they might as well be

and I feel the child 's dream die
I feel the child die

words come to him
and hence to me'''in spirit ...in words now
"I cannot live in a world .I will not Live in World
where Reality can be Augmented in this New Way...

(applied disambiguation of psyche and early childhood Induced electronic trauma via BCI nano)-Gary Rainy(2009)


Master Mandler. and Muralist.
a True Believer in Gary Rainy's Reign..
had become proficient at Deconstructing P300 wavelets from the Vicarious Kind...

Nobody was better at streamlining a Synaptic Stream of Electronic Emotion
into a Standardized
Streamlined
PG-rated Interface-able Imbuement
that held only the "jist" of subjugation and capture and prey allowed by some "vague new laws "
regarding the FCC and whatnot concerning "Futures" for using Neuronautic Actuation
to Augment a precipitated Fragmentation
that Gary Rainy explained only occurred  if one perceived
something as emotionally devastating as
sexual abuse.

Gary Rainy wrote many essays on the necessity to "theater play"
simulations of such corruption upon children to guarantee a type of psychotic break that all but

forced the
victim/ participant to go "Out There and Up There"Now that "app-ing was possible to provoke what he called a "Reach Reaction"
toward an "Out of Body Experience or/and Out of Body Communion"
previously enacted
(but not actuated)
with all matter of costumes,chants, creepy crawly "spook fest" s that
according to Gary Rainy's " Doctrines for Divination"(1978)
HAD to be instilled upon a Neuronautic Child
BEFORE "leaked" language skills could be assimilated into the child's lexicon (1983-Enways to Beyond Ways")
for the child to somehow
according to Rainy "Intellectualize" -the "situation"
specifically created to make the Child of Rainy
"go
 Psychic or-
die trying

Genesis 28:10-19,
Jacob left Beersheba, and went toward Haran. He came to the place and stayed there that night, because the sun had set. Taking one of the stones of the place, he put it under his head and lay down in that place to sleep. And he dreamed, and behold, there was a ladder set up on the earth, and the top of it reached to heaven; and behold, the angels of God were ascending and descending on it! And behold, the Lord stood above it [or "beside him"] and said, "I am the Lord, the God of Abraham your father and the God of Isaac; the land on which you lie I will give to you and to your descendants; and your descendants shall be like the dust of the earth, and you shall spread abroad to the west and to the east and to the north and to the south; and by you and your descendants shall all the families of the earth bless themselves. Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land; for I will not leave you until I have done that of which I have spoken to you." Then Jacob awoke from his sleep and said, "Surely the Lord is in this place; and I did not know it." And he was afraid, and said, "This is none other than the house of God, and this is the gate of heaven.

operation dumbo drop

Twenty minutes later Matt drives by in another model car, all alone ...and pulls over...smiling ...as if nothing had happened, he waves me toward the car...friendly. Tells me to "hop in kid'

and with his Australian accent back he says ,looking me over,"oh but aren't you a mess...Let's clean you up"

Matt spends the next half hour or so gently using all sorts of rubbing alcohol and even some rag he used he says at the clinic to de-varnish some of the redwood benches ...
all to get the Sharpie ink off around the side of my mouth and neck.

"you're a bit of a trouble maker aren't you?Matt says," You didn't have to come to the clinic... Norma ,your 2 nd stepma just wanted to see if you would...and we just wanted to see what you might say ,,,huh?Those chips inside you are for us to help get some of that trouble maker OUT OF YOU...but you cause your own troubles by talking about "the dots" kid....Now,How would I sound if I started talking about Hearing and Seeing things and KNOWING things Instantaneously cuz "some of my good friends" decided to "take me for a spin round the block?"
I'd sound like a fucking nutjob wouldn't I?You'd probably jump right out of the car right now to get away from some nut talking about nano in their neurons..
No.
A Man Doesn't Get Far in This World (and probably not the other ,he says waving his hand around and upward) telling folks he's got "the dots" in his skull.
In fact Vaughn ...you remember Vaughn said a guy ,just like you
was around the facility "talking and babbling on and on" about chips and some nice men he used to shoot up with...
and according to Vaughn that guy who talked crazy ...well
the guy just disappeared one day...
and 2 days later the guy was found in a deep ,open hole someone seemed to have dug
to go with,I guess -this guy's deep open mouth
 Vaughn said some "officially" types TOLD him to dig ..the hole
so
what choice did Vaughn have...
Vaughn said some other "officially" type told him  he might have to dig another ,even deeper hole
wide enough this time -for an elephant who never forgets..

Ever see that movie,"Operation Dumbo Drop"?
well.it won't be like that .
No Disney shit like that I tell ya. More like that early 70s /late 60's 20th Century Fox seriosities..

Matt tells me to unbutton my pants and begins tinkering with me.up and down with his hand ..."you like that right? right?" Matt says
It can all be good for ya...A good life having "Mandlers" he says opening his mouth .bending down...

We go to Hardees and than some Sporting Goods store .Matt buys me some clothes ,some T -Shirts...
and than he takes me to the are of the store where they have baseball bats..
Matt picks up an aluminum bat
and starts swinging it ,jokingly, real close to my head.

Now,that feeling you just got .Matt says
That sense of Fear that I was gonna maybe hit you with the bat..
YOU might not have felt it on your end he says ,,touching my head lightly.
BUT
THEY did -on the OTHER END of the interface ,he whispers, giving the finger to a Mother and a little girl who had seen him swing.

What your Tel-operators "got" from that swing..that Evoked Response.
was all kinds of signaling in your little head going zing zing zing
Your Pineal Gland especially ..
Every time a Neuronaut is "surrounded by Tigers or Bears" his Pineal Gland is activated
His Lizard Brain....
His -Brain Map -to the stars.
His P.S.I to the B.C.I.
and back
back at ya" he says giving me an open mouthed kiss and a quick feel
not giving a good g-d damn who is watching.

 
1994

Donoho and Johnstone propose a method for reconstructing an unknown function f on brain signal  [0,1] from noisy data di=f(ti )+σzi, i=0, …, n-1,ti=i/n, where the zi are independent and identically distributed standard Gaussian random variables. The reconstruction fˆ*n is defined in the wavelet domain by translating all the empirical wavelet coefficients of d toward 0 by an amount σ·√(2log (n)/n).

2002

Induced Fear via Bone Conductive Hearing to foster P300 Adaptive  Wavelet Deconstruction of Brain Signals from  Brain Computer Interface "system/participants"

Brian Computer Interface (BCI) is a direct communication pathway between the brain and an external device. BCIs are often aimed at assisting, augmenting or repairing human cognitive or sensory-motor functions. EEG separation into target and non-target ones based on presence of P300 signal is of difficult task mainly due to their natural low signal to noise ratio, a new algorithm is introduced to enhance EEG signals and improve their Signal to Noise Ratio. Our denoising method is based on multi-resolution analysis via Independent Component Analysis (ICA) Fundamentals a combination of negentropy as a feature of signal and sub-band information from evoked or "self instigated " wavelet transformation.

2010

Gabor and wavelet (super)frames with Hermite and Laguerre functions
Luis Daniel Abreu CMUC, University of Coimbra, Portugal.



Superframes are vector-valued versions of frames which provide a tool for sending several signals into a single channel (Multiplexing). They have a rich mathematical structure which has been thoroughly investigated in the last decade.
 

my boy lollipop

I call my 2nd stepmother that morning from a western union.she tells me the facility called. Woken her up in fact ....
she tells me because I"ran away" she HAS to PAY out of pocket for the FULL FOUR DAYS 1200 dollars a day for -my Treatment"
 the insurance won't pay for
 "one" who leaves against medical advice and hasn't finished the program
 ...my premiums will now skyrocket...I ask her for a hundred dollars for a hotel ...and food..and she says she would rather cut off her own hand than give me a dime..

I sit along side of the main road.trying to look friendly but homeless at the same time so the few pedestrians walking by might give me some change.Once or twice I try to force myself to ask clearly,"sir can you spare some change " but the words come out a mutter..
I can't bring myself to do it.
It's not like I have anything to offer.
It's not like I'm selling anything  or offering Enlightenment at one of the local Annexes  or Life Evolvement through any book I have on hand by Gary Rainy..
I'm not dressed right .not even a tie..

I hear car hiking and see Vaughn and Matt in a beat up Dodge.
at first I think Matt has ,like "caught" Vaughn...but than I see the look on their faces .and realize
nobody's been caught but me .

"Get in Dumbo...I got you a milkshake,"Vaughn says

I go to the car and start to try to open the back door.

"Nah,: Vaughn says ,"Get in the front.I want you to sit on my lap"
I get in the passenger side
and sit half against the now locked door and half on Vaughn's lap.
I feel something hard between Vaughn's legs ,not sure if it's a gun or Vaughn's-

From the dashboard Vaughn gets a Sharpie marker and holding my head tight he draws lines with the marker on my face ...first on the two sides of my mouth,than lines down the side s of my nose to my chin,saying "You want to tell everyone you're a puppet Dumbo? Well you might as well look like a puppet.

All the while Matt ,from the residential facility is watching ,eating ,sipping his soda..

They seem to care less that it is broad daylight
Vaughn even smiles at a cop going by.
Vaughn reaches in the back seat and grabs a dog collar .
first he attaches the collar to my neck than he attaches to it a small leash.
Vaughn sticks his hands up the back of my shirt and centers me on his lap....making sure I know exactly what the hard thing is between his legs.
Vaughn explains to Matt propping me up and down ,"that IT's the only thing that keeps Dumbo calm...You know what Matt? Vaughn says holding me still like a marionette ,"Dumbo here used to be a really cute kid/A Real Son of Gary Rainy ...know what we called him than? We called him Lollipop.
Matt starts to unbuckle his belt.
Vaughn sticks his fingers in my mouth,"Now look at him...Meth mouth ...Clients say they can feel his loose teeth on their "Entities"some in fact LIKE IT...

Matt sets up his phone to camera .
Vaughn turns on a small computer and places a headset on his skull and temples.

flicking the side of my mouth with his finger he says,"I wanna FEEL you chocking on IT"

Matt puts the camera on some base and directs it toward his crotch...Matt looks me in the eye ,with the same kind of look he gave me during my intake.
Matt holds up two of his hands,like I'm supposed to guess what's inside them,with no trace of his Australian /New Zealand accent he says,"Never .Let the right hand KNOW what the left one is doing.
a cult.a movie studio.,a lab somewhere. an investment, A MOVEMENT .Ruiner ,"he yells punching me in the face.

"Oh mmmmmmman .I felt that hit him again," Vaughn says ,I turn to see Vaughn's eyes closed ,,him gently rubbing the area on his face where I was hit.

"See if you can feel this " Matt says ,laughing pushing my neck ,my head, my drawn with markers mouth down on his "Entity"

I hear Matt say ,"Boy.....He really IS a Son of Gary Rainy..what they teach these
Brethren...?
Nobody Does it Better."

I feel and hear the Sharpie drawing something on the base of my neck..
when
'im done"
Vaughn smiles and hands my a full thought melting milkshake
and opens the car door...

I get out and start walking down the street when I feel a rock hit me..
and hear some young guys shout "Nazi pig"

I to a car window and kneel down to see the large swastika drawn on the back of "my" head

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Chip -a rooonie...

 

 Margaret Singer has presented an educated estimate of" cult " and "sect"numbers based upon experience and personal records. She has set the upper figure of "cults" in the United States at around 5,000.


201* sept 1*

Roasted Turkey Breast  steamed Potato Wedges
Sautéed Zucchini and Squash

A Residential treatment Center.
Only 3 or four in the US my second stepmother says..
Very Very Pricey...she says
driving me..
so "somebody IS going to STAY there until THEY properly get their little noggins on straight she says ,smiling
smiling but sorta punching my head like it's wood.
you can't sorta smile and softly punch someone's head -like it's wood.
if you thing or "act as if" someone's head is made of wood AND than punch someone's head like it IS made of wood.
it hurts .
and when you smile being punchy it hurts worse..
My 2 nd stepmother
repeats how expensive this place is...she's only sending me there ..here.
cuz she hates my 3 rd step mom..enough
she also was in the Group
and still is ..
but in a marginalized way
some of her kids ,her REAL kids are in Neuronautics...but some people
she says
can't handle
it..
she says and punches my head again
so ..."I guess we gotta get old wuss-o here a bit of help huh?
I'm kidding ...she says
"You've had an awful experience..
......maybe this place will set you right..
keep you off line
and all that huh?

the place is a long drive ..in Ohio..
the place is real nice like a summer camp but for adults
it has a fake pond and little pavilions
I sleep in a nice ,nice large ,large room with 2 other men
both in "groups" I had never heard of.
After the first night the one guy with yellow hair asks if he can be moved to another room cuz
Me ,the New Guy screams at night
Night mares.Night terrors...
I don't blame him
the other guy named Vaughn
says he doesn't mind
in fact it's comforting to him to hear someone worse off than him..
me and Vaughn become friendly...
and eat at the same table
most of the people are young women
a few other men but their older..
the young women seem odd...
like their on something...they're so happy
they spin around and hand all over you like you're in a bar and the Administrators are always telling them <Stop"

The girl's  behavior changes when we're in "the circle"
which is real serious
the girls start playing with lanyard.....
and studying their shoes ....not participating ,,sometimes yawning real inappropriate when someone says something really serious and sad...
the chairs are set up in a close circle either out on the patio or in the large dining room..
that also serves as
the Meetings
The counselors use a lot of visual aids like in high school /one of those light machines ...they put transparencies on .
Matt is the main counselor...he said he used to be a de-programmer in Australia and New Zealand ...than his wife and him moved up here.
Matt and Diane ,his wife also a deprogrammer now a certified therapist as well specializing in PTSD have us all walk around with notebooks they handed out when we got our weekly menus..
and got our 'cubby holes" to place our clothes..
in these notebooks we're supposed to write down what's in our minds
mainly regarding the
words that are projected on the screen
stuff like
THESE ARE THE TEN MOIST COMMON WAYS A GROUP INDOCTRINATES A MEMBER WITH "SUBJECTIVE REALITY"
I try to write these words in my notebook
but the words are "made' deliberately hard to read by "My Mandlers"
letters that make no sense or form no words or sentences dangle seemingly in mid air ...or close to my pen .as if to block out or "tease' any new input..
next the words
EEE-I
EEE-I
O
RUINER IS HIS NAME OH

Matt sees I haven't written what's on the screen
I had explained to Matt during my "intake" that Neuronautic's had "app-ed" me
and they can make me see and hear and taste and think stuff..
Matt's face remained blank
during the intake ...but he also had this look that said ,yeah yeah...I understand...
like he had heard it all

Matt ,seeing that I haven't written anything says,"Are THEY making you see things again? "

I hear a girl laugh and hear Matt's wife tell her to "stop it"
Matt places his hand on my shoulder and tells me ,whispering like , to "write down what THEY'RE making you see"

EEE-I
EEE-I
O
RUINER IS HIS NAME OH

he crosses my words out and writes
TEN THINGS a CULT Does to Break down Your Defense Systems

sept 1*

Chilli Con Carne
Potato Bacon Cheddar Soup


I had explained to Matt and Diane about the nano chips that Neuronautics used (uses) use
to make a member  better by using a Mentoring System that is part of the interface the nano provides.

"THAT is what THEY TOLD you THEY COULD DO."Matt said.
These GROUPS deliberately deceive their members ,,sometimes they use hallucinogenics...or something called Spinning Methods to
Induce trance states and self-hypnosis by practicing thought-stopping rituals and repetitive acts like dancing, spinning, singing, over-breathing, and chanting. Practice prolonged hours of meditation. In these trance states, they are more receptive and suggestible. Revert them back to childhood dependence and mindless obedience.
 acts like dancing, spinning, singing, over-breathing, or chanting,
Repetition is a powerful tool in how we learn new things. -
Matt also said that often the Group will deprive you of food ...personal privacy ...often Matt  said the group will take advantage of your confusion,Matt placed his hand on my shoulder and said,"and They might begin suggested odd things to you...such as "We  Have placed nano chips in your food and drink that NOW make every THOUGHT you have READABLE
KNOWN>
But we KNOW don't we ...Matt says ,"That
There
Is
No
Such
Thing....no such thing as interfacing minds,

I say ,yes there is ,..it's called BCI (Brain Computer Interface) and I see Matt look at his wife Diane ,and sort of shake his head..

Matt 'tries: again,"A Hoax..A Dream maybe for some scientists maybe 100 years from now.
Nobody can read your mind .Not THEM not me not Diane not anyone here
OR
THERE...
Nobody can place images or words or sounds ,ideas or dreams in your Mind .
Not Now.
Not Now that "You're out" Now that you're here.
Now that You're SAFE..

You must begin by getting all those
LIES
THEY
put in your head OUT..
Out on the table..out in "the circle" in front of all the others who have been fed False Belief Systems

I explain that THE MORE I say OUT  LOUD
the worse it will be in my dreams AND in my senses

Matt says,"OK assuming you have accepted this magical thinking they laid upon you that there are actual
"chips" inside you that can make you perceive a certain way ,think a certain way.dream a certain way
 ---interface
all your thoughts
so THEY can
Re Teach YOU
How to Think
...can you explain to us ,to me .."WHY this GROUP you were affiliated with might WANT to convince you of this Mind Reading /Mind Interface Technology? That according to you they
"install" in their FLOCK?

I say what I have heard others say...because
I want Matt off my back
and because I want to say what's "right" and especially
cuz I don't wan them to put me in a mental hospital like they did another girl who spoke too much ...like me..

"Maybe ,"I tell Matt ,"they wanted me to believe they had total control over me.."

Matt says ,"Yes .and than shouts ,"YES YES" like a preacher....THAT MAAAAAYBE they wanted YOU to believe they could read your mind ..sooooooo they could MAKE you UNCOMFORTABLE with PRIVATE THINKING..that- MIGHT be private thinking "away from their idea of Group Thought"

sept 1*

Baked Chicken Parmesan
Balsamic Carrots
Steamed Cauliflower

"Now,what OTHER ideas did THIS GROUP put in your head about Belief Systems not your own?Matt asked

"That,"I said ..trying to talk ..or say things in the same way Matt did,,because ,,we were taught ,that that makes Ruiner Feel Good.
I say "That THICS GROUP put ideas in my head that Entities had attached themselves to Our Souls which were too impure....without a mentor's guidance to FIGHT certain Entities ..."

Matt spoke loud ,to the others in the circle,"SOMETIMES these GROUPS will PURPOSEFULLY place inside a member's mind TWO or THREE INcongruous
explanations to confound your sense of reality...the visions ,thoughts ,Hearing....THE SO CALLED INTERFACE
you have
you HAD ..now hmmmm...was it because of supernatural Entities you were in Commune with?
OR
was.
IS the vision ,the hearing ,the Interface with Entities and Mentors Technological in orgin.
hmmm
Two vastly different explanations
Completely divergent in logic.
but,but but....THE MAIN POINT HERE IS what?
is,is,is THAT...your mind is not ,no longer your own,
and ONLY WE ,ONLy THE GROUP can what?
Can
Make
IT
BETTER
and ONLY can WE ,the Group, Make it Better
IF
YOU do this .for us.
this this
is often about money,sex,obedience ...and also seeking other's out in the community
that might become a part of THEIR community"Matt says ...putting up another transparency
on the projection machine.

I do not bother to explain to Matt that Neuronautics isn't about saving you from the Entities or Emanations
but helping you think a certain way AT the Emanations to "let them in and out" at the same time
that the mentors help you become more hospitable purposely toward a "Group Think" with
The Entities within us all..

sept 1*

Jalapeno Avocado Turkey Burger
Mushroom Barley Pilaf


we eat dinner .
I go outside for a smoke.
I still hear and see things...but don't as Matt says "dwell upon someone ELSE's Dwelling Space...that IT
will take time and
he has seen few people have as many "Breakthroughs" so fast..

smoking on the porch I am .
for the first time
"sorta happy"
sort feel safe...
My roommate Vaughn sits beside me ..
puffs his cigarette..
and says as if singing very softly In my ear

"Once had love and it was a gas
Soon found out I had a HEAD of Glass"
he quickly ,theatrically covers his mouth with his hand and looks at me to make sure I am looking at him while he makes a shooting gesture with his finger at his temple.

I next see him scrunch down and grab a back pack and start walking away from The Lodge-

"See ya around Dumbo ...OR
MAYBE
NOT
Chip -a rooonie...

I hear him
make a loud "bang " sound as he opens a car door somewhere in past the buildings and woods..
I see lights of a car going away and away from the "sanctuary"the "Safe House" that is no longer
and probably never was.
I leave ,I creep out the window before dawn ...there is nowhere to go ..

THEY are all I have
and ALL I Need.

more than ever