What The 8th Floor Social Media Learned in our Defense Program (6 years later)

November 12 2019


go to store
come back
it's not very hot
moody

turn on computer
it takes too long
i think about turning on the Tv
but didn't like what was on

i go outside
smoke a cigarette put it out
i spell the word cigarette wrong and do not care if i fix it
it takes too long

the same happened at the grocery store
the people took too long -talking
rather then get customers lunch meat

i bought lunch mean in plastic
the cash register line took too long

while smoking the cigareete I think of taking a pill
or going to a hospital
and then think why bother

I think of suiced
i do often
it is better then the pills and certainly better then the hospitals
I put out the cigareete
I rarely smoke them don t to the filter
some people do
I don't

i come inside  from out side
i have nothing to say
but i have nothing else
now.maybe ever
i think about what motivated the art
was it this as well
disease.

a Disease Model of something
model or organic thought disorder
what difference does it make
none whatsoever

and those pills
if you ever knew
and those hospitals.

A disease Model
institutional ordganizational models

like google .like facebook
like the people - who use them
that they use for organizational models

my entire history is based on this model
or it feels that way because I am mentallly ill.
mentally ill people delude themselves all sorts of -things- are going on
-
why wouldn't they when this accounts for - a life
 I think of the line at the grocery store
and next the wait in line staring at the magazines
and try to think of the words on the magazines
actors
but i cannot

i think of the walk back from the store.
walking through the grass. cars going by
litter on the grass..
and me coming in the house to put down the food.
the food i eat some of
when one of the people who 'take care" of me comes in says don't eat
we're going to a park that has food.

I snap .
no

"it will be fun ' they say

the word Fun - sparks anger in me
"fun"
I cannot even eat.
i leave the plate of food half empty
i am not sure if I smoked a cigareete after this
i think i did
I did not apologize for snapping
I feel so little but the dystonia
the tightness of muscles in my face ,neck ,arms
I am disgusting

why would i want to eat with people

exactly who here is crazy to think i would want to.

I sit here then at the computer.
it took too long to go on

out smoking a cigareete i thought of something i read
 about squid's nervous systems being hacked
and the squids turning color by remote control
camaflodge the squids used to turn on and off this system now -hacked.

I think - wow
it just doesn't mean anything does it
nor would it if the hacked sysyem of these squids showed researchers how squids saw or felt or processed anything

it meant something when I read it now -or then outside smoking
all i thought of was -so what.

not even angry someone would do this
or thinking that is /was how i felt.
so what.

big deal.

what i care about is how tense my body gets.
the movement disorder thing.
i used to think it was caused by the targeting
so what what caused it.

i think about leaving here and going to the other person who "takes care of me'
I cannot think about it
I don't want to be there or here.
Nothing changes. it all resets
one too many days of ...

of insanity .