Saturday, July 15, 2017

"Handsomeness" and a subject's reaction to "threat "(?) or (?) lust(?) -perhaps the dissonance or intimidation ( who am I next to that ) and attraction is the goal of the testing

- oh how this testing is wiping me out
- and gee what impact my -self reporting - has had on putting a stop to it--

Hell if I know what the goal of most of these tests are about
as they are done over and over ad over again with placed stimuli (actors)
you Handsome me Less Than
- good god man I get it
perhaps my pulse went up- perhaps I flinched -woooof
aw shucks "i wish i was a pretty girl.I wish i was young. Oh gosh (swoon) my mispent youth...sad face ,sad face.

- TV effects us like this second to second..
I now wonder how deliberate this is
and what this might accomplish

-i am losing my mind. and my physical health
imagined or not--crazy or over my head in discussing
my take on things-- I am humorless...angry and hyper sensitive
i see no future..
I now see my past - as might a researcher..

i view my art as might a clinician..
I do not want to paint anymore - for I see the work as might someone coming upon the art on a search engine all at once
a big plate of "THIS " is what madness looks like
Outsider Art as signifier.
why wasn't the work simply categorized as abstract expressionism
why did I "opt" for being sold as Outsider
now if I pick up a pencil  or brush I view my output as but the output of a troubled , un-sane man.
it is - maybe that's all it is.
does it matter though?
I didn't understand what was going on years before.
or how -crazy - is used packaged to represent - an idea of something
or how representations of "idea" ( nut, weirdo,strange , ill ) are brokered
just as the other end of the spectrum - is represented on screen - in books

- there is no -handsome without ugly.
there is no sane without a label of insanity

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