Thursday, June 6, 2013

my shrink humors  me .i know he don't believe in all the stuff i tell him about mandlers. and being "manned" by mandlers who put stuff into me that went up past the blood brain barrier..
but just the same he seems interested.
as if he's at least happy Evan is treating me better
and wants me to go out more  instead of just interfacin' with him in my room all day
the shrink writes some thing down on a little piece of paper and smiles

"yeah,Evan says I have such a big mouth both during silent interface and online that THEY would like to see what else my mouth can do..Evan says it might make up for all my belligerance while "graphing"

"what's draphing mean again,I'm sorry ,The shrink asks ..and i get pissed,but i keep calm ,while Evan graphs  ,see dumbo ,only i care about you
"Graphing is synthetic telepathy between me and my Mandlers,interfacing through my nano particles,duh...I mean I've been seeing you for 6 months and you don't even know what graphing means? what the fuck...I calm down...Evan always thinks i'm gonna go off when i  get angry,he misreads my every day angers and exasperations and stuff with me like going all poundy or punching..

"so Your Mandler,Evan wants you to start going out,to where again."

at least he rememberes Evan's name,and i can tell he is making a point of remembring Evan's name..

I take a deep breath .
I take another deep breath

"see Evan?" I graph,while speaking.which isn't as easy as it might seem.,"well Evan says truck stops,rest stops along the highway have really good hot dogs.That it's kind of like a secret that truck stops have like THE VERY best hot dogs in all of Pennsylvania.He says if he spends one more day in that little room with me staring at the ceiling he will...

"oh ,"The shrink says," I know what Evan does when Evan wants action"

I give the Dr. a funny look,I can tell it was a funny look cuz the shrink gives me back a funny look,was that last remark some kind of jab,at me or Evan?I listen for Evan, Jezus Dumbo,you're talking to a shrink about hearing and seeing things for fuck's sake,give the poor man a break.Breathe Dumbo,breath,Pull back Dumbo,think of office the chair,the texture of the chair,try to visualize the office as if from a distance as if some walls have been removed,focus on seeing if you can graph my the shrink wearing a better tie,my good ness who buys clothes for this man.

What does any of this have to do with anything I think,this is odd ,even for Evan,but i try with Evan's help changing the color and quality of the shrink's tir."ah Better," Evan graphs..

"well,I suppose ," the Doctor says," if Evan needs a field trip...Evan needs a field trip.."

"can I go now .Are we done?"I say,knowing he thinks I'm a nutcase

"Dude,Intra Neural Interface or not .ou are a nutcase,"Evan says,"trust me,we have disks and disks of your case.Now be nice ,act like a human being shake his hand and thank him for his time.

"have a good time with Evan"The Dr says at the door..

"yea yeah sure," I say ,as if he even believes Evan exists


I take the train out past Norristown PA and hitch a ride to an exit  near Pottstown,it's night time  but the brick building near the gas station is lit up all blue and yello and orange.The lights are also coming from the trucks.and the colors of the lights from everything are shining on the trucks that are shiny and not painted.what's it called like metal trucks with out paint are reflecting the light so the whole place looks kind of like an amusement park
well Evan graphs  me to buy a coffee and a gatoraide and to try to sit still at a little table and not have my leg boucning around which will make me look nervous or "mentally" and Dumbo I've had it with mentally's just not a good look for you...breath he graphs..i breath and buy liquids and sit without bouncing my leg..I feel sorta calm ..but it's not good enough for Evan who can like somehow gauge my countenance,he calls it...from..headset or whatever picks up the graphs..."Try not to look too Jew-ie,you know what i mean,not jew-ie oh mistah sensative i mean try not to look too serious or self absorbed .For once Dumbo take my advice ,it's important to be liked, don't smile but don't be all whatever it is everyone hwew complains about when they see you in person,tight,mean looking...stupid looking is the word.

Fuck you Evan ,I graph. and hope it doesn't show.The graphing the interface.
"Good Dumbo," Evan graphs ,"you are trying.

It is hard for me to be still.
Evan knows this and tells me to visualize my self from a short distance .and see myself in still frames....but a little better looking and with better posture.
What ,I graph?what are you talking about
Never mind I'll show you.
often the graphs aren't like language but more like a feeling or a thought ,that's not a thought ..a knowing suddenly.with or with out visuals.
and suddenly I know what he means.
..I feel like graphing ,see, see ,so stop calling me dumbo..
but I get a sense that this part of me,what Evan calls whiny,is shut off somehow.Like i took a n anti whiny Dumbo pill
my mood is lighter.
and Evan's graphs are more subtle...
he sound snicer,quieiter,there's a quality ,when he gets like this .of serious concentration..
like he's adjusting something
"try not look like you're hearing voices,,good good..try to look a little homeless,but not mental patienty himeless  or psycho killer homeless.
the tone of his voice ,
i expect him to say now Dumbo move a little to the left and when i say cheese-
You're wrecking it Ruiner..He says,at first angry ,than i feel him calm down..
I inadvertantly graph from him a runaway, unbuffered thought (now I have to start all over again is the jist)

Keep the commentary to yourself kiddo I booming voice i an unfamiliar with.
along with the voice comes a fear.
but  also

Intensity and suddenly the truck stop rest stop becomes more vivid.
somehow the places further away become blurred and the people closer by become more sharpened.
like someone adobe photoshoped everything i see.

"Hey Dumbo!" Evan Graphs,enough with the self referential commetary jew-ie intellectual shit.
shut it off..let me do this...just sit there,be still and brink some gatoraide and stop looking like you're fucking hearing shit.This is the good part...fuck man...

drink some's not your fault..
don't go any where.
sit still.and for christ's sake don't smoke..
Evan says..
you can think your self referentials ,but get it out of your sustem...i'm gonna take some *** and you'll
be smooth as as a  slow dissolve in minutes...
don't you dare smoke ..or go walkin around all over the place doing that fidity thing you do..

earlier today Evann told me to buy a white golf shirt  ,a red baseball cap and some baggy black basketball shorts.He told me to shave close and chuck some hair color in my hair.
I feel whatever Evan has taken
Evan is in fine form.
and tells me to just "be"
to take things in.
the sounds of the truck stop resteraunt
"see the people in your mind's eye ..pleasant people restoring themselves from traveling the highway.Take in the color and shapes and details of the setting.
he graphs that i should think of myself as a camera...and that if I want to,I should move my head and my eyes around,naturally,naturally,as you would naturally,,you feel it ,you feel it,,good ,good,
you're at peace kid,you're clean looking,nice clean clothes,you smell nice,you have no worries ,no fear..
you're relatively young.who wants to be that young anyway,you're relatively healthy ,who wants to be that healthy anyway..
you're relatively sane..
"considering you made me Pinochio"<I graph ,but feel bad about it,,
"you broke the mood ,but it's ok.everything is ok .everything is fine...this is new technology,,but it's not just technology it's art's's gooood..
you feeling good kid..yeah good...
now remember ,he says,never forget where you're're in a truckstop..people know  where you are,you'r esafe rundowns ,no tests,this is the good part,this is what it's for ok ok..
you're relaxed.Evan graphs I feel it ,I feel it...sip somm coffee .Isn't that good
i sip some coffee .it is good .everything is good.I crane my neck around taking everything in in still shots somehow, in motion
I see a muscled big smiling man turn in my direction.
"he sees your hat and golf shirt," Evan graphs
The man beams a smile.The beamiest smile I've ever seen
Follow him.
Go with him to his truck

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