stop into the bar.i used to go to
and after ordering i see a big handsome guy start walking over from across the bar
the guy sits next to me ..although there's tons of stools
the guys is all chummy
saying "Hey
you the guy who thinks you got chips or something in your brain'
the guy is tall and big and good looking
he sits up straight
and is well spoken
not the type that goes for me ..
outta my league
and all that
he doesn't look like the bar "kind'
and it makes no real sense that someone had the time to bend his ear and say 'see that guy over there ..he be a cwazzy guy'
as they do in certain "gay" bars in certain towns..
so i'm a bit thrown off how'd he would know what i write online
Big Handsome seems around my age but seems adult and grown in a way i never did or do
and i think of him the way you do
especially in a bad mood of TV ad types you know you're supposed to envy and buy whatever sh*t they're selling to 'be more like them'
what the guy is trying to sell me i can't think of
he's too old to be a whore nor does he look like a drug dealer
i look around the bar seeking whoever told him 'there is guy who writes about chips"
"who told you I write online..stories about chips..I 've never seen you before here or online did I"
'but you see a lot don't you" the guy says,"See things"
"Yeah ," I say hating myself for being triggered
gee
this guy knows..
this guy gonna help me understand what this is all about..
maybe say it will end..
used to think THIS guy who knows is here to protect me
like in some TV movie
where people get protected form bad guys who torture someone ...and use them like a captive thing to hurt
.if it were 2 or 3 years ago i woulda' been all excited ..and start rambling on ..thinking the guy is a clue or some guy gonna save me from the Mandling..but now I am so f*ckin' tired of anything..so f*ckin' lost in the Mandling and just want a f*ckin' drink..
the guy is a ground bound Mandler
they always send guys bigger than you
"Ahhhh poor Dumbo ' the guy says
"ain't my name .." I say ,"it's just a story'
"and that's how it reads now ..as a story..and it was never supposed to was it?"the guy says..'Oh I know you don't care. ,'the guy says ,'sounding like my foster father ..,like I am some 8 year old supposed to always have his tail between his legs ..wetting himself when he or anyone comes into the room...
that's all i was raised for
that's all they wanted
unfortunately it all started coming back..
and this Big Handsome expecting me to be
sent back to Cue
I just want to kill the guy
and
THAT is what
my "team" who raised me wanted as well
"No writing unless it's the way THEY say asshole...but you don't know how to do that do you..Seems to me people that did this to you have reasons they didin't want it reading like a story but you don't give f*ck do you"
"Maybe I did when I believed there were two different sides behind any of this DUMBO"i say to Big Handsome
'Tough guy stance huh... don't confuse bravery for moral depravity old man . And the dummy did eat from the Tree of Knowledge instead of the tree of life..."
I sit their looking straight ahead trying not hear the guy but they send guys who look and act like this ..people who look like TV and movies and talk like people who are these superior "Beings' to make you look at them
and to make u feel less than..
intimidated
stupid
but I am made to feel that sh*t by the Mandlers so damn often it's like I am immune
"Ha" the guy says ,not a laugh but the words "Ha!
'You hearing Voices dude?" i say ..Big Handsome is looking str8 ahead like i am...ape-ing me
ape-ing my behavior
it's a Ground Bound Mandler thing
'Little White Doves telling me poor Dumbo can't fly "he says still looking straight ahead,'Wasn't lucky enough to be brought up the way you were...to expereince "The Gift"The guy says seriously ,his demeanor suddenly changing
suddenly
he is
respectful of me
he bows his head at me..
lThe little Prince routine
and what gets me the most is I know I should just fold into this ..
I am to LEARN VALUABLE LESSON
form this conversation
and i start thinking ...damn
maybe it's not me..
maybe it's him who is not good at doing this queen of hearts
Raymond Rickshaw
something is wrong
and I know somehow
more than ever no interface tele Presncse...no "team" cares jackshit if I am wise to thisJabberwocky....
.
a guy brought up only for this
doesn't stick around long when he undoes "the work" they did making him
Maruta
a human husk for behavioral testing
and 'tech"
the same garbage they've been doing since 1948
for no reason
really..
only in movies do people go traipsing across the borders and black Forrest's carrying
some big secret in their head
about duh microfilm
this is about nothing ..
except tons of money the dupe doesn't see a dime of
..cuz it's important he be always beholden and poor..
when u figure out the cues and stop responding from what i hear other Cradle to grave
targeted individuals
you just go onto
disappear.
an entire life un-lived except as I say tomato you say tomato
every single lover,friend ,neighbor ,foster parent etc..
just this production manager
the Big Handsome snaps his fingers in front of my eyes
'D-d-d-d-dummbo"he says
I've been through this "gaming" shit before
when this first began I was all OK with this kind of street theatre play acting
like I was in some
movie too
thankful to have some
antics...some lightening up of the testing
some lead
someone having I guess what you'd call fun with me being a puppet
or whatever you call what they did to me
in L.A.
but than I saw it wasn't about amusing me ..or lightening it up
it was about
watching me 'go along with " the performance
like I wasn't there..
not like "Ah what a guy been through all this and still can lighten up'
because it wasn't you lighting you up
you'd somehow be on some kind of auto pilot
Ground Bounds not even in your noggin pulling the strings
you'd also KNOW you were supposed to do this role play shit
but it was all about being intimidated
played
fucked with
when it first began i didn't know the words Gang stalkers or Handlers
and there i was thinking this shit..thinking why should this be all i think about
why should i know these things..
and than does this idiot have any idea what i go through day to day hearing and seeing things with these genuine monsters shocking the monkey day and night
this is the first time i cannot go along with it
first time i don't consider this some comic relief..
some respite from this hell on earth
this nightmare
and somehow i know thats what "my team" wants to show this guy
or study through the interface
"SEE...guy can't even "roll" no more...he's broken ...now..he's a little school marm about it ..
and I can't undo this feeling
and I remember what they can do with this interface make you cry ...make you in pain holding your arm ...
than make you curl your head up against someone ...you know
knows what they did to you...
the thoughts are running through my mind
faster and faster
usually when i am out the Tele-operators want me to be OK ..
i had begun to think of the times before as this breaking in period
but i know something is off with the interface ...some part of me that goes against the
entire reason ..
which never had nothing to do with me
.....
'Sir ? Sir ? "Big Handsome says 'Are you OK Sir"Big Handsome says folding his hands in atemple like gesture
bowing his head 'like' some movie notion of Gracious China-Man
'You think I am permanently 12 years old dude...am i supposed to respond to this sh*t? Look at you man.. you look well off..put together ..an ok guy who can do anything to make a living ..and you come here ..come out of your way to play with a guy used as Maruta and raised to respond to cues ...and you know how they raise you to be used as a log..don't you ..to make it easier..?"
"NO man I don't ." Big Handsome says ,losing the ape-ing sh*t '..and I'm not supposed to..and you know it.......the GUY ...the Dumbo is supposed to just BE the deviant artist who got punished " the man says
"For who?" I say,"For whose benefit is this? was this? supposed to be this example ...of what?...and why would anyone in their right mind go along with it?"
"Keep your voice down Dumbo...know what you should say and NOT say,"the guy says ,"OH I forgot YOU DO KNOW but YOU DON'T CARE...we're all on the same side right?...just because everything that happened and happens in ONLY your world is manipulated doesn't mean everything in the world of people NOT raise like you is .. if you don't know the difference anymore it is because you went poking your dumbo little trunk and ears into things you cannot possibly understand ..about economics ,politics ....things you were supposed to stay away from ..things people pleaded with you to stay away from and if you can't seprate the two..than it means you may as well really be crazy' and we can lock you up"
I start thinking -that army guys can't afford to think about all wars being rich man wars -
forgetting for a moment I am graphing to Evan
Suddenly I feel this tingling all through the top of my head and face
and see handsome look at me and look away---
-he's just seen the Face Dances sh*t Mandlers do to make you look ugly as feel out of nowhere..
you might have seen -a man - in binds
like this
on TV here and there
Has something to do with microwaves and milli waves and extreme low frequency
nipping sections of your brain that excite calcium ions. and human growth hormone
I seen the "work" a quick zip of frequency upon someone' endocrine system does to a guy ...they wanted me too...
the Mandlers love high concept
"stick around buddy and I be howling at the moon when the sun goes down" I say
if for no reason to make Big Handsome less anxious.
"seems like something a real ruiner might write to make his posts seem real ,real fictional" handsome says STILL his face turned away than down at the bar ... for the first time showing some normal human emotion that is genuine ,a type of embarrassment for me concerning the "quick change" of features
"So you SEE friend why I kinda' write whatever the hell I want to ?' I say iit's not me just sitting around in "Cool World" watching Jessica Rabbit and Great Gazoo
it's about pain and suffering
and humiliation
and you don't want to know
In spite of myself I touch my face to see if it is still swollen
..the tingle is gone..the lack of this tingling and tightening of my soft palate, indicates if the face thing is done ..
and a what f*ck can I do about it? feeling comes over rme
yeah
"what da' fuck can i do about my f*ckin face swelling 2 sizes it's size in second..
not something a guy should have to be accustomed to
"In the armed services..,"the guy says," they shave the recruit's head to make them have a certain amount of place instilled in them concerning rank'
Big Handsome says
'not quite the same thing buddy is it?' i say sucking down the beer.
"They also use face painting and masking to camouflage the soldier so he might best go un -noticed "
"was that making me un-noticed friend...that- morphing -a minute ago/ or was it making me look like a f*cking freak for your benefit' I say
"I heard they did that to you guys but I never saw it ," the guys says ,"Maybe they do it to like send some hand signal so others might know you're thinking the wrong things..."
"It's disgusting ..all of it ..so tell your buddies I can care less about writing it their way '
" You shouldn't care so much how you look anyway..why do you think Kate sent tyou to school wearing a poncho and sadle shoes all during your 5 th grade year"
Big Handsome says
"Ah ..so you know about "Kate" I say
"The Boy Named Sue rundown ..yeah we learned about in school" the guy says smiling a bit
"What school was this ?" I ask
'Ahhh we're hear to talk about your schooling not mine ..to get the little pumpkin back on tracks"
"To scream Bloody Mandler online ..help help help .. so evil empire sees what USA USA ISA does to it's own bad guys ..
own
Less Thans ....
are you out of your f*ckin' mind ?find yourslef another mouthpiece...I will fictionalize this horror show to it Came From Outter Space and back...I will Active-ly Deny the very existance of this technology ...as anything but story...all made up....more and more and more ...and you can't stop me"
"Ahh but there you'd be wrong ,' he says
And i feel my face tingle and see the guy look than look away
but smile .
and ya' know what ...'If i kill myself ...and i have thunk about this my friend I will write in my suicide note and all over on line it was because of my diagnosis of lung cancer ...that's why I am here you know ..having a drink..lung cancer..inoperable "
Sorry ," the guy says ",I didn't know"
I watch the guy 's own face change
in a normal way
expression of "hmmmm" than-I feel the guy put his hand on my leg clapsing it real hard,"Listen up you little faggit "
"they made him play a loogle for kis crunkle lam
/////////they kayed bim fay a koogle for ris munkle gam ' I say ," Listen up handsome ..all i do is listen up ..so much I often MK OFTEN gotta think like this of words ...."
'you're crazy ..just like they said you were ,..a Freak "he saiys letting go of my leg.
"ya think?" I say ,'IT CCCCCCame Fwom OUTTTTTA'sppppace ," I yell in his ear ," yep from now on I will do all i can to make it all read like some shhhhhhhhhit f*ckin moooovie ...you wan tme to write about it as real..than for fuck sake Brother release some Snowden Poooden Limited Hang Out again that this shit exists...."
compo cola/bimbombay: Exciting calcium ion release through P-type VGCCs
and after ordering i see a big handsome guy start walking over from across the bar
the guy sits next to me ..although there's tons of stools
the guys is all chummy
saying "Hey
you the guy who thinks you got chips or something in your brain'
the guy is tall and big and good looking
he sits up straight
and is well spoken
not the type that goes for me ..
outta my league
and all that
he doesn't look like the bar "kind'
and it makes no real sense that someone had the time to bend his ear and say 'see that guy over there ..he be a cwazzy guy'
as they do in certain "gay" bars in certain towns..
so i'm a bit thrown off how'd he would know what i write online
Big Handsome seems around my age but seems adult and grown in a way i never did or do
and i think of him the way you do
especially in a bad mood of TV ad types you know you're supposed to envy and buy whatever sh*t they're selling to 'be more like them'
what the guy is trying to sell me i can't think of
he's too old to be a whore nor does he look like a drug dealer
i look around the bar seeking whoever told him 'there is guy who writes about chips"
"who told you I write online..stories about chips..I 've never seen you before here or online did I"
'but you see a lot don't you" the guy says,"See things"
"Yeah ," I say hating myself for being triggered
gee
this guy knows..
this guy gonna help me understand what this is all about..
maybe say it will end..
used to think THIS guy who knows is here to protect me
like in some TV movie
where people get protected form bad guys who torture someone ...and use them like a captive thing to hurt
.if it were 2 or 3 years ago i woulda' been all excited ..and start rambling on ..thinking the guy is a clue or some guy gonna save me from the Mandling..but now I am so f*ckin' tired of anything..so f*ckin' lost in the Mandling and just want a f*ckin' drink..
the guy is a ground bound Mandler
they always send guys bigger than you
"Ahhhh poor Dumbo ' the guy says
"ain't my name .." I say ,"it's just a story'
"and that's how it reads now ..as a story..and it was never supposed to was it?"the guy says..'Oh I know you don't care. ,'the guy says ,'sounding like my foster father ..,like I am some 8 year old supposed to always have his tail between his legs ..wetting himself when he or anyone comes into the room...
that's all i was raised for
that's all they wanted
unfortunately it all started coming back..
and this Big Handsome expecting me to be
sent back to Cue
I just want to kill the guy
and
THAT is what
my "team" who raised me wanted as well
"No writing unless it's the way THEY say asshole...but you don't know how to do that do you..Seems to me people that did this to you have reasons they didin't want it reading like a story but you don't give f*ck do you"
"Maybe I did when I believed there were two different sides behind any of this DUMBO"i say to Big Handsome
'Tough guy stance huh... don't confuse bravery for moral depravity old man . And the dummy did eat from the Tree of Knowledge instead of the tree of life..."
I sit their looking straight ahead trying not hear the guy but they send guys who look and act like this ..people who look like TV and movies and talk like people who are these superior "Beings' to make you look at them
and to make u feel less than..
intimidated
stupid
but I am made to feel that sh*t by the Mandlers so damn often it's like I am immune
"Ha" the guy says ,not a laugh but the words "Ha!
'You hearing Voices dude?" i say ..Big Handsome is looking str8 ahead like i am...ape-ing me
ape-ing my behavior
it's a Ground Bound Mandler thing
'Little White Doves telling me poor Dumbo can't fly "he says still looking straight ahead,'Wasn't lucky enough to be brought up the way you were...to expereince "The Gift"The guy says seriously ,his demeanor suddenly changing
suddenly
he is
respectful of me
he bows his head at me..
lThe little Prince routine
and what gets me the most is I know I should just fold into this ..
I am to LEARN VALUABLE LESSON
form this conversation
and i start thinking ...damn
maybe it's not me..
maybe it's him who is not good at doing this queen of hearts
Raymond Rickshaw
something is wrong
and I know somehow
more than ever no interface tele Presncse...no "team" cares jackshit if I am wise to thisJabberwocky....
.
a guy brought up only for this
doesn't stick around long when he undoes "the work" they did making him
Maruta
a human husk for behavioral testing
and 'tech"
the same garbage they've been doing since 1948
for no reason
really..
only in movies do people go traipsing across the borders and black Forrest's carrying
some big secret in their head
about duh microfilm
this is about nothing ..
except tons of money the dupe doesn't see a dime of
..cuz it's important he be always beholden and poor..
when u figure out the cues and stop responding from what i hear other Cradle to grave
targeted individuals
you just go onto
disappear.
an entire life un-lived except as I say tomato you say tomato
every single lover,friend ,neighbor ,foster parent etc..
just this production manager
the Big Handsome snaps his fingers in front of my eyes
'D-d-d-d-dummbo"he says
I've been through this "gaming" shit before
when this first began I was all OK with this kind of street theatre play acting
like I was in some
movie too
thankful to have some
antics...some lightening up of the testing
some lead
someone having I guess what you'd call fun with me being a puppet
or whatever you call what they did to me
in L.A.
but than I saw it wasn't about amusing me ..or lightening it up
it was about
watching me 'go along with " the performance
like I wasn't there..
not like "Ah what a guy been through all this and still can lighten up'
because it wasn't you lighting you up
you'd somehow be on some kind of auto pilot
Ground Bounds not even in your noggin pulling the strings
you'd also KNOW you were supposed to do this role play shit
but it was all about being intimidated
played
fucked with
when it first began i didn't know the words Gang stalkers or Handlers
and there i was thinking this shit..thinking why should this be all i think about
why should i know these things..
and than does this idiot have any idea what i go through day to day hearing and seeing things with these genuine monsters shocking the monkey day and night
this is the first time i cannot go along with it
first time i don't consider this some comic relief..
some respite from this hell on earth
this nightmare
and somehow i know thats what "my team" wants to show this guy
or study through the interface
"SEE...guy can't even "roll" no more...he's broken ...now..he's a little school marm about it ..
and I can't undo this feeling
and I remember what they can do with this interface make you cry ...make you in pain holding your arm ...
than make you curl your head up against someone ...you know
knows what they did to you...
the thoughts are running through my mind
faster and faster
usually when i am out the Tele-operators want me to be OK ..
i had begun to think of the times before as this breaking in period
but i know something is off with the interface ...some part of me that goes against the
entire reason ..
which never had nothing to do with me
.....
'Sir ? Sir ? "Big Handsome says 'Are you OK Sir"Big Handsome says folding his hands in atemple like gesture
bowing his head 'like' some movie notion of Gracious China-Man
'You think I am permanently 12 years old dude...am i supposed to respond to this sh*t? Look at you man.. you look well off..put together ..an ok guy who can do anything to make a living ..and you come here ..come out of your way to play with a guy used as Maruta and raised to respond to cues ...and you know how they raise you to be used as a log..don't you ..to make it easier..?"
"NO man I don't ." Big Handsome says ,losing the ape-ing sh*t '..and I'm not supposed to..and you know it.......the GUY ...the Dumbo is supposed to just BE the deviant artist who got punished " the man says
"For who?" I say,"For whose benefit is this? was this? supposed to be this example ...of what?...and why would anyone in their right mind go along with it?"
"Keep your voice down Dumbo...know what you should say and NOT say,"the guy says ,"OH I forgot YOU DO KNOW but YOU DON'T CARE...we're all on the same side right?...just because everything that happened and happens in ONLY your world is manipulated doesn't mean everything in the world of people NOT raise like you is .. if you don't know the difference anymore it is because you went poking your dumbo little trunk and ears into things you cannot possibly understand ..about economics ,politics ....things you were supposed to stay away from ..things people pleaded with you to stay away from and if you can't seprate the two..than it means you may as well really be crazy' and we can lock you up"
I start thinking -that army guys can't afford to think about all wars being rich man wars -
forgetting for a moment I am graphing to Evan
Suddenly I feel this tingling all through the top of my head and face
and see handsome look at me and look away---
-he's just seen the Face Dances sh*t Mandlers do to make you look ugly as feel out of nowhere..
you might have seen -a man - in binds
like this
on TV here and there
Has something to do with microwaves and milli waves and extreme low frequency
nipping sections of your brain that excite calcium ions. and human growth hormone
I seen the "work" a quick zip of frequency upon someone' endocrine system does to a guy ...they wanted me too...
the Mandlers love high concept
"stick around buddy and I be howling at the moon when the sun goes down" I say
if for no reason to make Big Handsome less anxious.
"seems like something a real ruiner might write to make his posts seem real ,real fictional" handsome says STILL his face turned away than down at the bar ... for the first time showing some normal human emotion that is genuine ,a type of embarrassment for me concerning the "quick change" of features
"So you SEE friend why I kinda' write whatever the hell I want to ?' I say iit's not me just sitting around in "Cool World" watching Jessica Rabbit and Great Gazoo
it's about pain and suffering
and humiliation
and you don't want to know
In spite of myself I touch my face to see if it is still swollen
..the tingle is gone..the lack of this tingling and tightening of my soft palate, indicates if the face thing is done ..
and a what f*ck can I do about it? feeling comes over rme
yeah
"what da' fuck can i do about my f*ckin face swelling 2 sizes it's size in second..
not something a guy should have to be accustomed to
"In the armed services..,"the guy says," they shave the recruit's head to make them have a certain amount of place instilled in them concerning rank'
Big Handsome says
'not quite the same thing buddy is it?' i say sucking down the beer.
"They also use face painting and masking to camouflage the soldier so he might best go un -noticed "
"was that making me un-noticed friend...that- morphing -a minute ago/ or was it making me look like a f*cking freak for your benefit' I say
"I heard they did that to you guys but I never saw it ," the guys says ,"Maybe they do it to like send some hand signal so others might know you're thinking the wrong things..."
"It's disgusting ..all of it ..so tell your buddies I can care less about writing it their way '
" You shouldn't care so much how you look anyway..why do you think Kate sent tyou to school wearing a poncho and sadle shoes all during your 5 th grade year"
Big Handsome says
"Ah ..so you know about "Kate" I say
"The Boy Named Sue rundown ..yeah we learned about in school" the guy says smiling a bit
"What school was this ?" I ask
'Ahhh we're hear to talk about your schooling not mine ..to get the little pumpkin back on tracks"
"To scream Bloody Mandler online ..help help help .. so evil empire sees what USA USA ISA does to it's own bad guys ..
own
Less Thans ....
are you out of your f*ckin' mind ?find yourslef another mouthpiece...I will fictionalize this horror show to it Came From Outter Space and back...I will Active-ly Deny the very existance of this technology ...as anything but story...all made up....more and more and more ...and you can't stop me"
"Ahh but there you'd be wrong ,' he says
And i feel my face tingle and see the guy look than look away
but smile .
and ya' know what ...'If i kill myself ...and i have thunk about this my friend I will write in my suicide note and all over on line it was because of my diagnosis of lung cancer ...that's why I am here you know ..having a drink..lung cancer..inoperable "
Sorry ," the guy says ",I didn't know"
I watch the guy 's own face change
in a normal way
expression of "hmmmm" than-I feel the guy put his hand on my leg clapsing it real hard,"Listen up you little faggit "
"they made him play a loogle for kis crunkle lam
/////////they kayed bim fay a koogle for ris munkle gam ' I say ," Listen up handsome ..all i do is listen up ..so much I often MK OFTEN gotta think like this of words ...."
'you're crazy ..just like they said you were ,..a Freak "he saiys letting go of my leg.
"ya think?" I say ,'IT CCCCCCame Fwom OUTTTTTA'sppppace ," I yell in his ear ," yep from now on I will do all i can to make it all read like some shhhhhhhhhit f*ckin moooovie ...you wan tme to write about it as real..than for fuck sake Brother release some Snowden Poooden Limited Hang Out again that this shit exists...."
compo cola/bimbombay: Exciting calcium ion release through P-type VGCCs
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