Suicide Squad

Monday, April 27, 2015
bats in the belfry(8)

(1).....Mainly we did mathematical models of how the brain functions and created programs that used biological data as the basis of the programming's language .We "mapped" what sections of the mind were stimulated by words and smells and tv and fear...
“I was lucky enough that I was found to be a suitable enough student
to mentor
or what they sometimes referred to as- a Proxy .I had been awarded a scholarship ..
I was doing what I loved
I had gone into the field of Biotechnology and Neuroscience
to focus on new technologies that would allow those afflicted with neuromuscular disease to be able to use thought to communicate.
in my pre graduate studies a lot of my work focused on learning how brain waves could be extracted from a patient's mind with epidermal and sub dermal
sensors .
Some patients who had never been able to communicate before suddenly felt as if they once again joined the world
I guess I always related to people who had a difficult time being heard or listened to

I had a difficult time understanding how I was meant to respond to what another was saying
I guess because what people say ..is not always what is on their mind..

I cannot say I immediately warmed up to Jacob
there was never anything quite warm about him
which was one reason it seemed so odd that
he spoke often about things like mysticism
which I had always thought of as "a warm loving force"
an omnipresent warm blanket
in the air,on the earth and somewhere in ourselves..
Jacob explained to me that for one to be a good Neuro Scientist one had to think beyond Good and Evil and most of all sentiment

and that he could not or would not mentor anyone
who considered consciousness "on a chip"the end all and be all of Artificial Intelligence
and this got me very confused
for THAT

in fact WAS the END ALL and BE ALL of Neuro Engineering

(2)
Jacob said man's tendency to focus on Earthy Amenities
blocked one's abilities to alter time and space perception.
Dualism denotes a state of two parts.
Dualism can refer to moral dualism, the conflict between good and evil...

to tell you the truth
my mentor"s talk of supernaturalism ..made me
uncomfortable
for what I wanted from him was something empirical ..I had by now begun seeing Jacob 3 or 4 times a week
supposedly
for independent students concerning- less esoteric matters - concerning my mentorship such as my school work
Jacob suggested if I really wanted to be a great scientist I should leave school
The more I persisted in getting Jacob to help me with my studies and my thesis the more
he insisted
that I realize "school is the last place anyone learns anything except what someone else already discovered"

we had begun going out for drinks after our lab work
and sometimes after a few
and more relaxed I would try to bring the subjects back to the finite
back to the
lab work
but every time I tried to focus the conversation away from mysticism
my mentor grew more angry.

once .I even heard him say that
my rejection of
cosmic influence
did not fit my profile
when I asked him what he meant he said I misunderstood him.

for the next few weeks we only saw each other at the lab. No more beers. No more mysticism . I assumed the mentorship was over
One day .out of nowhere Jacob stopped me outside the lab foyer
asking if I wouldn't mind a drink
we went to the little pub we previously went to
and drank and talked It was Funny talk..again
but I for some reason didn't mind this time
and this small voice in my head. Perhaps the very last time I would hear it ..only as my own "
"He likes you again. You fit the profile

I started feeling sick.soon after.
I had only drank one beer and a mixed drink My Mentor said my help take some of the edge off our first meeting ..
after the long passage of time we were not on good terms

I had only swallowed one half of the drink when I felt dizzy.odd."out of sorts:
and saw something on my mentors face that I remember made me ask him
"did you put something in my drink?"

"You're such a Joker," my mentor said ,"Let's drives you Home"

In his apartment
he had me lay down
I guess to sleep
on his couch....mainly it seems he wanted me "parked" somewhere
so he could make phone calls
I couldn't hear what he was saying
except it didn't sound as if he was speaking to any friend or family ..or anyone at the school or lab
I didn't pretend to keep my eyes I was in a half sleep
I by now had begun for reasons I didn't understand feeling afraid of him
and didn't want him to think I was pretending I was sleeping. Also the feeling I had still since I got sick at the bar wasn't drunkenness or tiredness
but something more like disorientation, confusion but also every now and than a feeling of euphoria and peace.
..Between phone calls Jacob would look down on me on the couch ..mainly at my eyes
"No,he's not flushing but his pupils are large,black.."
I knew he was talking about me..
and had a quick thought he was talking about me as if I was not there.
and in a way ..I remember thinking T wasn't I wasn't there and just started laughing
I was no longer afraid
not of Jacob
not of anything

Jacob must have realized this or wanted this
because I remember sensing
his initial stress seemed to be gone
and ..it felt now like the old days when Jacob and I would go to the pub
because he was talking ,talking more than he ever had
at first tried to block him
what he was saying but now realized somehow that what Jacob had said about duality of one's nature
feeling this intensifying sense that I was in my body and also out side of it
the duality that was occurring was real
and I remember thinking who was I? so much younger and less educated than Jacob to dismiss
anything he was saying
but than the fear would take over
I just somehow didn't want what he was saying inside me..
I tried to get up ..to leave..but felt I literally could not move
I had had occasions of sleep paralysis ..I think we all do when ..you mind seems to 'wake up" before your body does..
it feel like that..
but it didn't at the same time
my mentor seemed to somehow know I was incapacitated and just spoke and spoke,"
Dualism denotes a state of two parts.
Dualism can refer to moral dualism, the conflict between good and evil, or physical dualism the Chinese Yin and Yang.
There is a dualism that you may not understand or even know about, “The ‘monism’ which endeavors to compress all mental and material phenomena into the unity of One Substance,that there is but One Reality
The mentor spoke of
“subjective experience”
is what takes place inside the mind as opposed to what takes place in the external world

what takes place in the external world
'has never been random
if it had ...our species would have been extinct a long time ago
often a figurehead.
a character
becomes a mouth piece a representative ..for a collective consciousness
that either was or was not expected
often it is the job of a mentee
to help his mentors change the future by using certain collective temporal ingrains
to help
reinforcement the Ying and Yang dualism
a real or fictional character.
represents so the Mass Mind can reflexively relieve it's own dichotomy of self
as if as a Prayer.
a Chant
a collective Moan.

(3)
My Mentor would kid me that,"he could make me do things...with or without Merge..radio frequency...or the use of SEE*

Just by Mesmer -ization

(4)
And eventually
threats to comply. Threats to not sleep or eat or ruminate without telling him and eventually them what type of trigger caused my thinking to regress away from the mentoring
There was nobody I was allowed to speak to during 3 years of this

what we were working on was Off Grid.-
I was somehow both honored to be"in the program" and terrified
3 years of slaps on the back for being such a sport and the same 3 years of threats
that He
that they

would skin me alive ..