Ugly

Part of the studies concerning narrative pertain to how one might use story ..and the type of distance  story might allow with 3rd person and so forth to mask one's objectives of authorship
in terms of information that implies  autobiographical  reference  point
I should feel a high degree of shame revealing -even in third person or through characterization
Issues and ideas that basically give away the experiences upon which they are based
But I have no shame
Or at least I feel none
In fact I feel nothing anymore
Quite literally except when confronted by symbols either by placed people meant to cue me towards some event or cognition that in spite of my being aware of this street theater ..being performed nearly each time I leave the house
Or the endless visuals sent to my mind to incite me towards synchronicity with the imagery
..
Since most of this is based on -language- to force me to re experience myself  in my worst moment
really
This sense of self as strange,awkward,weak and pathetic
Are all I have
Automatically I now know (not anymore quite feel) the sense of self I am cued to react to but
I have exhausted the sense  and feeling of embarrassment and shame
I am supposed to
But I do respond  to the threats on my life.,safety and physical well being quite the same as I ever did
Which is why I went back to the substances that he me fortify myself albeit temporarily to the ever more threatening tone of those handling my associations
With or without me
My spastic nature..and physical repulsiveness
Is what the "team " focuses on ..besides my Weirdo thinking
I now understand my appearance -as homely - has a lot to do with "what weirdo and my job to re present as such means and I cannot help but think to what little I know of history when looks meant so much to a society as they do now

Once we got to the fair my mother  had to do something they called sterilization .my dad sat at the picnic table with me and told me not to walk around but stay still if I could ,he was smoking a lot of cigarettes and his eyes seemed funny but he smiled anyway .The fair was colorful and noisy and had games and you smelled food everywhere. And everywhere there were contests.

I am concerned that my discussing my use of drugs
to deal with the situation
Might instill in a reader a trait
that goes against my portrayal as weirdo
but you are not in this room
and see how I use
it is not the way Hollywood or books depict and glamorize substance abuse
but rather the way a sicko with bad stooped posture.a swollen face and spastic demeanor
Might attempt to use drugs
-to be hip..to be edgy
To be "in"
imagine a 12 year old who walks funny ..talks funny and looks funny in the outfield ..playing baseball
Hoping the ball doesn't come his way
..
Imagine this boy grown up
In a small room
Unable to even assemble a filter of copper Brillo like wire
Into a glass tune
Fidgeting
spastic ..
Rushing ..
his arms are not muscles
But thI. And sof.
His knees are close together bent over a book he uses as flat surface
All hunched ..
All nerves and always a left over sense  so,eone is watching ..waiting to tease..
He carries this all through his body..
To this day
And carries it as well I. The way he uses his voice ..too deep or filled with cussing and anything to not sound -like afar.
He did age well
he is gross ..actually
He smokes the pipe as might an awkward teen  trying his first cigarette at a party ..to show "them"
..
Because he has been used for science
The "team" sees him as he is
with tech that is meant to not only film the subject
But visualize the subject  as if through a wall
Or this is what weirdo thinks
And be
Ie es
Certain
Y the feedback of what weirdo hears
From his team
Mocks him as he drops the plasticine and how he smokes it in such a way his throat and nasal cavity pop
..he is a disgusting man
A grotesque
A freak ..
And it is up to him to write about all he feels and senses  in a way that a reader sees him as if through a wall
Caught picking his nose
Scratching his toes.
Sleeping in a bent stiff manner
He is ing
IEXT when he sleeps
..

My father was to be at a certain tent at precisely 2pm

he kept looking at his watch...

like he either wished time would speed up or slow down..

I didn't care that much about staying still and not walking around the booths

I was to stay at the fair for a week..

 a man who was handing out fliers to the fair last week had measured the slope of my head and distance between my eyes

and I was invited to be "in the fair"..as an example.

Me and my dad went to the Men's Tent  so my dad could have x-rays ...

I wanted to go outside the tent  but my father wanted me to see what was happening..

.

I stayed in the tent and watched

 but I couldn't see any "ray"

my dad had to sit on a wooden chair in front of the x ray machine for 20 minutes

in his underwear

Even at home  I didn't see my father in just his underwear ..he always wore a robe when he wasn't fully dressed .

"Finished. "the man behind the x ray machine said  and my dad was aloud to get dressed.
when we were leaving the tent my dad said "I wanted you to stay so "You will know . People must know," he said hugging me.

we go to meet my mom at the same picnic  we were at before.

MY mom has been crying but she hides the  tissue that was at her eyes  when she sees us coming and says "Here are my boys..Here are my boys," putting out her arms wide

..when I ask her if she also got x rays  like Dad, my father quickly puts his finger to his lips to keep me from saying it
My mother seems tired and she keeps curling her finger around her hair.My dad begins acting extra happy and says'"c'mon,c'mon this IS a fair isn't it..let's have some pie"

I cannot help but wonder if I will get pie every day for the next week for agreeing to be an example..

I never slept in a tent before either.

 So as sad as my parents were acting I had to hide the fact that I was kind of excited about the coming week and possibly eating pies every night and day.

                                                 (2)

At first my mother said "NO.she would not allow her son to have any part of this .This Fair."

my father got very angry ..
he had been angry all week since hearing about the forced sterilizations and said,"Let the boy see...Let the boy know "
                                      (3)
The fair was filled with rides and cakes and games.There was even one of those games where a man could show how strong he was by hitting a ball with a big hammer that could measure how strong the person was with numbers and a big bell on top that hardly anyone reached.

besides that game there were also a lot of trophies for all kinds of things

like what girl had the most beautiful form...and what man had the broadest chest...
or even best kind of face.

They used something called calipers that could measure how wide apart your eyes were  and how long or thick your nose or chin was.

My measured distance between my eyes and the measure of the slope of my forehead were the reason the man who organized the fair chose me to be in the fair all the next coming week.

I know I wasn't chosen because my postings and entries written in chalk and paint  on the big wall were goodbut wrong -

 "The Great Scale" measured a person in terms how their Type would fit or not fit with and for  The Greater Good.They called this new science Eugenics.

The man that measured the slope of my forehead and the set of my eyes and how wide my nose was said having people who were wrong would be a good way for people to see the difference between traits of Right and Wrong .There were contests in sports and physique and grace that also measured the qualities of the Best People in the community

he explained that  the wall needed to demonstrate opposing traits to the audience to  make comparisons easier. He told me the new world would be about separating the herd.
                                     (4)

After my parents left I was told to go into a red tent with the others who would be examples of "wrong type".

It was me and two other boys.One boy who had  a harelip and the younger boy had a foot that was turned inward. Also  one very tall girl who wore glasses and was very thin.I didn't know what was wrong with her  and wished I had some calipers so I could tell ..

 

After dinner with no pie all four of us were asked to stand on a raised small stage opposite another small raised stage where other boys and girls wearing medals stood.

The man who arranged the Fair had offered to pay my father 20 dollars for me being in the show.My father said no...I don't want your money..my son will be proud to be an example of something ...but it will not be an example of what you think it is...

The night before ,at dinner My Dad hugged me real hard and patted my hair ..."One day he said you will write of this .So one day people will be forced to remember what was happening  and what might happen again..."

National Conference for Race Betterment  “advocated tacking human pedigrees to
every perfect individual” with “blue ribbons for the most perfectly developed with eliminating the “feebleminded” through
restrictive policies such as immigration restriction, anti-miscegenation and compulsory
sterilization laws, eugenicists also aimed to promote the health and reproduction of those deemed
biologically “fit.”  While much of this brand of “positive eugenics” consisted of moral
exhortation, it also became a cultural phenomenon in the form of “Fitter Family” contests, not
unlike the “human stock contests”.
                                                                                           

"