Cole day 437

no one believes me...
it has turned
I have turned
I am desperate
I am not sad or depressed

I am suddenly reasonable
you see
if I do not exit
on my own terms

they assure me
that what they will do will be much worse
they will rip my face off.
I wonder if schizophrenics in addition to their sound and vision create delusions

am I delusional
knowing from 5-6 days of warning
it might be a good idea to....

what if it has all been just a thought disorder
(I am taking major tranquilizers that do not stop the words the fear  for 2 months)
and I go to some high bridge

and leap

but worse
to pretend this is not factual and that they mean what they say
they seem to relish the in the violence

I am surprised they have given me a chance to go by less primitive ways
things one has read about gruesome ...scalping .ripping one's skin off.yes there is documentation of such hate
that a mere shooting  will not accomplish

ive seen movies of people on death row,,strong people
with integrity
who snap and cry when they are taken to the final exit

I wonder if I will cry on the bridge going down



I am disgusting to them
I am the most disgusting person on the face of the earth
I am side show.
a sqiggle when I shower
My coordination is off.
I sleep badly
I fear my own nakedness
a real man
would not
a real man
could open their mind
a bad sick man
can't
all they see is sick
as do I