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3/23/64
my anxiety was with me
.in me
before
I had any name to give it
..it was a dr. who gave me a word for IT
this THING
anxiety disorder
even having a word
for it
made me feel
some kind of
hope
it was with me
even before I could speak
a fear
a worry about
everything
my thoughts raced to
worst possible
consequences
so much that I
tried my best to
have no consequences
I lived as if I all of me was
brittle glass
my parents
of course knew
"I was delicate"
my father with drew
I was not a son
he
foresaw
my mother
having a certain
degree
of
push away
and a heightened sense of
what also could have been anxiety
with drew as well
maybe seeing too much of me in herself
the rules of a home
and the parts of a home
members of a family
make there own
saved my sanity
school however was
a trauma
I dared not explain to anyone
there was
no
"place"
to breathe
to
panic
to scream
I had done my best to work and live around but soon my life became working around this" it"
that had no name
I don't know if it was a fear of people..or situations ...outside my control..my room
my house
I watched in awe as boys my age
mingled and played and rough housed.
How they "hung out"
went to parties,games ,movies.
it wasn't that I was afraid of THEM...or of bullies or aggressive girls
Every day waking life
to me
with or without people
seemed aggressive
I believed I was losing my mind
I had seen movies
about men and women
who
lose their senses
terrible movies
I assumed my adult life would be one
of madness
I felt that my panic attacks and fears when I was not "safe" in a situation and placed
I was familiar with
were the epitome of insanity
in Hygiene class we saw photos of mad men and women
in waxen poses
I found myself going to the library and sneaking these books out of the bins
- the amygdala reacts to an anxiety provocation in a subject with an anxiety disorder. Imaging techniques reveal disturbed CNS networks in subjects with schizophrenia, and pronounced structural aberrations in the lateral and medial parts of the temporal and frontal lobe. Untreated depression has been shown to cause cerebral shrinkingA patient with hypothyroidism or hyperthyroidism or hyperparathyroidism usually has anxious or depressive symptoms. Patients with acute intermittent porphyria may become psychotic, and are always anxious.
- Premenstrual dysphoria is an intermittent cluster of symptoms among which irritability and dysphoria are the most disturbing
- demetia praecox psychosis was a reaction to a cold family environment that produced a false "id," for example the case of the schizophrenogenic mother.
hiding it
was more difficult than dealing with the panic
I felt people could it see it in me
I would spend hours in front of the mirror
looking
for
it
the madness
which I knew would
eventually lead me to ...
lead me to/ I did not know what
those terms
those books
the description of co-morbid velocity three types of psychopaths. Aggressive psychopaths were violent,Passive and inadequate psychopaths were over-sensitive, unstable and hypochondriacal. They were also introverts (schizoid) and pathological liars.
all things social
triggered it..i don't know where it came from
it was always there.
I remember this odd sense of apprehension
from as far back
as my
early childhood
the nice psychiatrist called Peter's parents
and explained that their son was having a mental breakdown
and had to be treated preferably in a hospital
the nice psychiatrist explained that he was "on staff" at Edgemont Institute and thusly-
could both observe their son and also administer a treatment plan to cure Peter
the nice dr. did not seek affiliation with Edgemont Institute's experimental studies..
in fact the nice dr. was unaware of Edgemont's "progressive methods" of corrective Behavioral Psychiatry.
Edgemont had come to the nice dr's office to ask him if he would or could be motivated to contribute his expertise and time for "greater good"trials in exchange for a substantial fee.
The affiliates of Edgemont Institute
explained that all the dr had to do was fill a monthly quota-
hand picking patients to be placed in the institution...
preferably patients that functioned quite well in spite of their neurosis
in their day to day lives
-
Peter would not ask his parents to allow him to seek help from a psychiatrist
- so peter secretly began saving money from the odd jobs he sought raking leaves in the fall. shoveling driveways in the winter. Mowing lawns spring and summer...
Peter had saved enough to
attend sessions with a trained psychiatrist for a month or so
- he had done his homework
on hourly rates
he did not think he would be accepted by any Psychiatrist
who might see him one or two times
Nor did Peter think he could be helped
with only
preliminary visits
Money saved
Peter still could not make the call. Or calls,, to the various
phone numbers of psychiatrists
he had stolen from a phone book in the library..
on his bike
it had become something
of a game...in his school bag he made a map of
all the phone booths
far enough away from his
community
that Peter would feel 'safe" placing a call
Peter was aware "it made no sense" -that nobody really cared if they saw a 15 year old boy in a phone booth..
Nor did it make any sense that peter had brought with him ,always, a handkerchief
to muffle his voice
when he "got far enough" without hanging up
to begin to set up an appointment.
Miraculously
an appointment was made
and attended
Peter didn't know what to expect from the Psychiatrist.
The only psychiatrists Peter had seen were on the tv or in movies
Peter explained that his parents did not know he had seen a psychiatrist
and explained
his
uneasiness in social situations
and situations or places out of his control
he explained that he knew it didn't make much sense
and Peter confessed to the doctor he was afraid he might be losing his mind
"oh no Peter" The Dr. said,the very fact you came her,on your own will with your own money
proves you are a young man definitely
in full capacity
but we must tell your parent....Peter
I can make the call..
no reason
for you to be under undue stress
but for legal reasons
I must speak with them
so we can check you in
- (2)
the nice psychiatrist called Peter's parents
and explained that their son was having a mental breakdown
and had to be treated preferably in a hospital
the nice psychiatrist explained that he was "on staff" at Edgemont Institute and thusly-
could both observe their son and also administer a treatment plan to cure Peter
the nice dr. did not seek affiliation with Edgemont Institute's experimental studies..
in fact the nice dr. was unaware of Edgemont's "progressive methods" of corrective Behavioral Psychiatry.
Edgemont had come to the nice dr's office to ask him if he would or could be motivated to contribute his expertise and time for "greater good"trials in exchange for a substantial fee.
The affiliates of Edgemont Institute
explained that all the dr had to do was fill a monthly quota-
hand picking patients to be placed in the institution...
preferably patients that functioned quite well in spite of their neurosis
in their day to day lives
{according to many witnesses in the various Psychiatric hospitals warranted to conduct
Mind Augment techniques on patients ,unaware of the hospitals or Drs. "progressive methods"most of the patient subjected to various tests were patients who prior to their "treatment" suffered from quite mild psychological or emotional conditions such as depression ,anxiety or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
the American Journal of Psychiatry entitled "Psychic Driving," Dr. Cameron describes his techniques. Psychic driving was carried out in two stages.
In the first stage, patients were depatterned, which meant reduced to a vegetable state through a combination of massive amounts of electroconvulsive shock, drug-induced sleep and sensory isolation. When fully depatterned, patients were incontinent of urine and feces, unable to feed themselves, and unable to state their name, location, or the date. P. 129
In the second stage, psychic driving was introduced. This consisted of hundreds of hours of tape loops being played to the patient through earphones, special helmets, or speakers in the sensory isolation room. Dr. Cameron received a grant from Canada's Department of Health and Welfare for $57,750 for the years 1961 to 1964 for "A Study of Factors Which Promote or Retard Personality Change in Individuals Exposed to Prolonged Repetition of Verbal Signals."
Donald Ewen Cameron (24 December 1901 – 8 September 1967)[1] — known as D. Ewen Cameron or Ewen Cameron — was a Scottish-born psychiatrist involved in the Central Intelligence Agency's (CIA's) MKULTRA mind control program.[2] He served as President of the Canadian, American and World Psychiatric Associations, the American Psychopathological Association and the Society of Biological Psychiatry during the 1950s. Notwithstanding his high professional reputation, he has been criticized for his administration, without informed consent, of disproportionately-intense electroshock therapy and experimental drugs, including LSD, which rendered some patients permanently comatose.
Donald Ewen Cameron was born in Bridge of Allan, Scotland, the son of a Presbyterian minister. In 1925 he received his M.B.ChB. in psychological medicine from the University of Glasgow.
Cameron focused primarily on biological descriptive psychiatry and applied the British and European schools and models of the practice. Cameron followed these schools in demanding that mental disturbances are diseases and somatic in nature; all psychological illness would therefore be hardwired, a product of the body and the direct result of a patient's biological structure rather than caused by social environments. Characteristics were thus diagnosed as syndromes emerging from the brain. It is at this juncture that Cameron became interested with how he could effectively manipulate the brain to control and understand the processes of memory.[Cameron argued that it was necessary for behavioral scientists to act as the social planners of society, and that the United Nations could provide a conduit for implementing his ideas for applying psychiatric elements to global governance and politics.
Cameron started to distinguish populations between "the weak" and "the strong". Those with anxieties or insecurities and who had trouble with the state of the world were labeled as "the weak"; in Cameron's analysis, they could not cope with life and had to be isolated from society by "the strong". The mentally ill were thus labeled as not only sick, but also weak. Cameron further argued that "the weak" must not influence children. He promoted a philosophy where chaos could be prevented by removing the weak from society.
Social and intrapsychic behavior analysis[edit]
In the late 1940s and early 1950s, Cameron continued his work on memory and its relationship to aging. He published a book called Remembering . He furthered his diagnostic definitions of clinical states such as anxiety, depression and schizophrenia. In the various hospitals Cameron worked in Cameron observed how the psychiatric patient resembled patients with other diseases that were not psychiatric in nature.In this manner, somatic causes could be compared. The behavior of a mental patient could resemble the behavior of a patient with, for example, syphilis, and then a somatic cause could be deduced for a psychological illness. Cameron titled this procedure "intrapsychic" (a term derived from the psycho-somatic relationship of hospital patients). Cameron wrote that mental illness was transmitted generationally; thus, the re-occurrence of mental illness could be stopped by remodeling and expanding existing concepts of marriage suitability, as well as the quarantine of mentally ill individuals from the general population. The only cure for mental illness, he theorized, was to eliminate its "carriers" from society altogether.
Cameron believed that mental illness was literally contagious - that if one came into contact with someone suffering from mental illness, one would begin to produce the symptoms of a mental disease. Police, hospitals, government, and schools would need to use the correct psychiatric authority to stop mental contagions from spreading. Cameron also hoped to generate families capable of using authority and techniques to take measures against mental illness, which would later be apparent in Cameron's MKULTRA and MKDELTA experiments.
Although society had established sanctions against the spread of infectious diseases, Cameron wanted to extend the concept of contagion to chronic anxiety. He warned that people with mental illnesses could spread and transmit their diseases
Main article: Project MKUltra
Cameron is best known for his MKUltra-related and other behavior modification research for the CIA.[16] Cameron was President of the American Psychiatric Association in 1952–1953. He lived and worked in Albany, New York, and was involved in experiments in Canada for Project MKUltra, a CIA-directed mind control program which eventually led to the publication of the KUBARK Counterintelligence Interrogation manual.Cameron had been hoping to correct schizophrenia by erasing existing memories and reprogramming the psyche. He commuted from Albany to Montreal every week to work at McGill's Allan Memorial Institute and was paid $69,000 from 1957 to 1964 to carry out MKUltra experiments there. In addition to LSD, Cameron experimented with various paralytic drugs and electroconvulsive therapy at thirty to forty times the normal power.[citation needed] His "driving" experiments consisted of putting a subject into a drug-induced coma for weeks at a time (up to three months in one case) while playing tape loops of noise or simple statements. Cameron's experiments were typically carried out on patients who had entered the institute for minor problems such as anxiety disorders and postpartum depression; many suffered permanent debilitation after these treatments.[17] Such consequences included incontinence, amnesia, forgetting how to talk, forgetting their parents, and thinking their interrogators were their parents.[18] His work was inspired and paralleled by the British psychiatrist William Sargant, who was also involved in the Intelligence Services and who experimented extensively on his patients without their consent, causing similar long-term damage.[19]
It was during this era that Cameron became known worldwide as the first chairman of the World Psychiatric Association as well as president of the American and Canadian psychiatric associations. Cameron had also been a member of the Nuremberg medical tribunal in 1946–1947.[20]
Naomi Klein states in her book The Shock Doctrine that Cameron's research and his contribution to MKUltra were not about mind control and brainwashing, but "to design a scientifically based system for extracting information from 'resistant sources.' In other words, torture."[21] She then cites Alfred W. McCoy: "Stripped of its bizarre excesses, Cameron's experiments, building upon Donald O. Hebb's earlier breakthrough, laid the scientific foundation for the CIA's two-stage psychological torture method."[22]
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