Tuesday, April 2, 2013

my friend
I confess I have "been there" they call it  a psychotic break...
you can get help
I too felt that I was being controlled by something from beyond..outside myself
some people say doing too many drugs literally break down door to some other reality

this again I think
but I listen
...and to be honest I now take pills for IT
that do quite little but stop my thinking 

I suppose that ..
there is nothing to "play with" in this state..mentors cannot interact as they did with me...fear is diminished as is all feeling whatsoever..

problem is the meds to treat "voices" cause a movement disorder called Tardive Dyskesia

you're damn if you do damn if you don't

but .
I can take it less and less
the Reflection Rundowns
that reiterate to me
why the mentors cannot
interface with me
as I am emitting sick thoughts
which they believe I can either change or muffle of stop

the oddities in my interior biography .once private
presented to me .
with shame and disgust
and the Process backfired that now especially when nervous only go back to those thoughts and the shame I feel the lessorness I feel that THEY know of particular humiliations from my past
some ruminations in my pre teen years
some go further back than that

one mentor now only calls me "sicko"
boy has this deteriorated to something beyond my control
the pills I take mask my mind so memories do not overtake me..
but as I said
neuroleptics dampen all thoughts..
I feel like a zombie
the pills also have a way of making one appear "off"
black circles under the eye
a stupor ..
as if one is moving ahead while walking but but their body follows a few seconds off
this is the beginning of a movement disorder..
but what can I do..
what would you do
YOU of course would get with the program
and be and do as they say
after all they are your bettors.

be logical about what is happening to you my friend says
if you must think of it
as a movie.
a puzzle...
I tell him about another friend  who tried
writing it as a film..

and the fiasco it caused him minimizing it into..

"no ,:that's not what I mean
I mean break it down
many very smart people who "go OUT there" create very complicated realities

some get lost in this self created reality and never come back

"what if it's true..." I say..knowing damn well it is..
furthermore what's it to you?

what parts have you read?

all of it?

"I'm just concerned about a friend.."

we were never really friends .we went to a few clubs...took same classes ..didn't hang out much..

gotta go I say.my new response it seems to anything  even vaguely social

these days everyone seems like a mentor.
every interaction an interrogation

all communication intrusive
as intrusive as direct neural interface